People outside of an abuse situation conclude, “It must not have been that bad or she would have left.” Leaving is not that easy. Therapists counseling women in abusive situations, must understand many times women remain because they are afraid for their lives. Fear of death or severe injury drive many of their decisions. You can almost here the self talk: Do I risk being beaten if i stay or risk death if I go? Whether the relationship is dating, engagement, or marriage, many of the issues and circumstances are the same.
Scary Trend for Mental Health Professionals:
For example, social workers in major cities have recently become concerned because more teenage girls and yuonger woman have started to accept being physically abused. The victims seem to think physical abuse demonstrates love and security since the male must love her to care enough to beat her and he must be possessive of her which gives her security. Therefore they accept the physical and verbal abuse and love the abuser for caring so much. This is Stockholm Syndrome thinking, identifying with and protecting the abuser.
Abuser Techniques to Control and Force Emotional Bonding:
Even people who really should know better often do not see themselves as abusers, as was the case recently with a former large city police officer. He stated that his behavior and actions were the way his mother and father acted and treated each other. Therefore since he was brought up that way, he could not be held liable for the way he treated his wife: beatings, humiliation, threats of violence, and sexual assaults. Additionally he declared that he could do as he pleased—she was his wife. An abusive man will use many techniques to maintain control over the woman in his life including some of the following.
- humiliation in public and in front of family and friends
- removal of friendships and family support systems that help his woman flee
- maintaining financial dependence on the abuser
- threatening to take children out of state or to physically, emotionally, or orally harm them
- physical violence to the woman
- physical violence demonstrations (smashing a wall with the fist) to intimidate
- continuously finding fault with things the woman does or how she does it
- creating guilt for not being more of a wife, lover, companion, mother to the children
As the guilt and humiliation take effect, and demonstrations or threats of violence take place, the woman feels less and less ability to leave. Her energy is sapped from the arguments, the humiliation, and the intimidation. It is much easier to become compliant than to risk being hurt again or having the children or pets injured or killed.
The Internal Mental Process of the Victim:
She also has been conditioned by the abuser to remain compliant and particularly silent about the abuse because it is all her fault anyway. According to the abuser, all his woman had to do was change [insert some behavior here]. As a result, she finds ways to explain the signs and symptoms of abuse to protect the abuser, herself, and the children or pets he has threatened (entirely consistent with the Stockholm Syndrome of protecting the abuser). Besides the woman thinks, he said he was sorry, he apologized, he cried, he asked me to forgive him, he said he would not do it again, he only wanted me to understand and change this one thing. Maybe I am somewhat responsible for his actions. After all, she continues, it is only one small thing that I refuse to change. As a result, I must be a bad and stubborn person to treat him like this and not do as he wants. It is such an easy thing to do and he really does love me, he says so all the time.
Cost to Children of Remaining:
Children growing up in this environment learn to accept these behaviors and then become the next generation of abusers and victims. The male children learn to treat their mother or any woman in their life the way the father has done, or the females learn to expect abuse and to become compliant and so seek out men who will treat them in this familiar way. The statistics for this situation are terrifying with estimates ranging from 30-50% of all children coming from an abusive background being either abusers or victims. It is necessary to get the children out of the environment before they learn and incorporate these behaviors and perceptions into the way they relate to others.
Time to Flee
If you are woman in an abusive situation, or you can see yourself and or your children in this article, then it is time to leave. Take the children and flee. You will save yourself, you will stop the abuse from moving to your children, and you will be a role model for your children. Set a time, develop a plan, save some money, and develop a circle of friends that know your situation. Do not remain silent any longer. Abusers loose power as the circle of people who know about the abuse grows. This can also include online friends.
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