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In May 2008 an Ontario judge ruled that a boy who was severely brainwashed into hating his mother must get help to be deprogrammed from parental alienation syndrome.
Parental alienation syndrome is not new. Fortunately for this thirteen year old boy, the Ontario Superior Court issued an order stating the boy must have professional intervention in order to reverse the brainwashing. The mother’s lawyer stated that this is precedent setting in Canada.
In May 2006, the state of Maine recognized that parental alienation syndrome is a serious issue. Governor John E. Baldacci signed a proclamation recognizing April 25 as “Parental Alienation Awareness Day.”
What is PAS?
Parental alienation syndrome is a disorder that arises mostly in the context of child custody disputes. One parent in a perverse effort to gain control will programme or “brainwash” his child into believing that the other parent is a very bad person. The alienation generally extends to the non-custodial parent’s family as well. This was first identified in 1985 by psychiatrist Dr. Richard Gardner.
Divorce and custody litigation can be a nightmare. Unfortunately children undergo thought reform or mild brainwashing during this process. No matter how hard some couples try, criticisms of each other come out and children are highly perceptive. Sadly, PAS is much more serious than an occasional insult. It involves a systematic vilification by one parent of the other parent, brainwashing the child with the sole purpose to alienate the child from the other parent.
How Serious Is PAS?
An example of how horrendous parental alienation syndrome can get was reported by ABC13 Eyewitness News in Houston, Texas on December 29, 2004. A ten year old boy was accused of murdering his father. Rick James Lohstroh was fatally shot in the summer of 2004 by his son who was a victim of parental alienation syndrome.
Embittered divorces can and do manipulate a child’s mind. Mothers are usually awarded custody of the children and father’s rights are obscured. According to L.F. Lowenstein Ma, Dip. Psych., PhD, he says 75% of the time women are committing this form of child abuse. The biggest losers in this psychological battle are the children.
If You Are an Alienated Parent
Parents dealing with being alienated are often frustrated, angered, hurt and feel powerless. If you are an alienated parent there are some important things to remember.
- Never give up on your children.
- Keep anger and hurt feelings under control. Losing control fuels the alienating parent and empowers him or her further.
- Never retaliate.
- Don’t stop going to pick up your children when it is your time. Always keep showing up unless court ordered otherwise.
- Never display hostility toward your ex in your children’s company. This will only make matters much worse.
- Keep a diary of everything! Logging everything may eventually be your saviour.
- Maintain a positive relationship with your child. Never ask your child for information about what goes on when he or she is with your ex.
- Don’t violate court orders.
- Don’t wait to intervene when problems start. Many times alienation problems deepen when you or your ex enters into a new relationship. If there is a problem contact your attorney or seek out various websites to get help.
- If your ex makes a false allegation of abuse against you, no matter how difficult it will be, always cooperate with authorities.
- If you have an attorney, get research to help your case and ask that your counsel seek court ordered support for family therapy and deprogramming.
If you are a victim of PAS be sure to develop a good support network of family and friends who can help you get through what may be a very long and rocky road. Seek legal and professional help if your finances permit it. Above all else, be sure to educate yourself. There are many credible websites that provide information and help on parental alienation syndrome.
Related Reading:
False Allegations of Sexual Abuse
False Allegations
The copyright of the article PAS : Parental Alienation Syndrome in Abuse is owned by Karen Stephenson. Permission to republish PAS : Parental Alienation Syndrome in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
Oct 26, 2008 6:59 PM
Guest
:
I am a victim of PAS. I have had sole custody of my child for 15 years and
all of a sudden his father wants custody. I have always been very careful
not to bad mouth my ex in front of my son. Unfortunately, he has not had
the same consideration for me. We have been in a custody battle for over a
year. He has turned my child against me with lies and stories that never
happened. He called DHR and accused me of abuse and neglect. DHR cleared
my name and closed their file, but we still had to endure that humiliation.
When we won the custody battle, my son's father talked him into running
away. I have not seen or heard from him since.
I guess what I
am trying to say is that PAS has become a tool for fathers to turn their
kids against their mothers. Even if you win the custody battle, what good
does it do when your child has already been taught to hate you?
Dec 3, 2008 9:37 AM
Guest
:
yes, i agree. Parents have no right to spaek bad about a childs parent this
is a form of child abuse.
Jan 6, 2009 10:20 AM
Guest
:
here is the story of a Dad who is being alienated from his son. It is a
tragic story. www.bringseanhome.org
Jan 9, 2009 12:05 PM
Guest
:
I am a Step-mother to a six year old son. My Husband has an ex-wife from
hell. She lies about everything and has PAS. When are about to take her to
court to get Full Custody.
Please, before you state "I
guess what I am trying to say is that PAS has become a tool for fathers to
turn their kids against their mothers", think before you speak. There
are also many mothers out there who turn their Child against the fathers.
Jan 16, 2009 4:54 PM
Guest
:
Obviously, parental alienation can come from either parent. I am the
mother of four children. My exhusband successfully alienated my oldest son
from me. He has attempted to alienate all of them, but the other three
have a good relationship with me. I raised all of my children and their
father lived in another state. This is the power of the father/son
relationship that he could alienate my oldest son and not even live with
him. The attempt to alienate by my exhusband continues to this day...15
years after we divorced. I am now trying to find information on how to
heal my relationship with my oldest son. It's very sad.
Jan 22, 2009 12:53 PM
Guest
:
I'm a stepmother of a 14 yr old son. I have known him since he was five. He
lived with my husband and I for the last 7 years until we moved 100 miles
away for his job. Now his mother has physical custody and is an extremist
to PAS. I have always been in the middle witnessing all the back and forth
exchanges, arguments, court orders,etc. His mom encourages him that he
"doesn't have to go to his dad's house" because he's 14. I'm sick
and tired of this other parent hurting my husband and ruining the sacred
relationship he had before he went to live with her. What can I do? How can
we stop this madness? My husband drove 100 miles last night for his weekly
dinner visit only to turn around because my stepson was sick and no one had
the courtesy to call. Can we prosecute her for parental alienation?
Jan 23, 2009 3:10 PM
Guest
:
I have suffered not seeing my daughter for nearly 2 and half years now
because of PAS. After my seperation from my daughters mother, I was abused
by her mother every second weekend either dropping my daughter off or
picking her up. Her mother would emotionally blackmail me if I didn't do
what she said and would threaten me if you don't do as I say she would say
your not seeing her. I shut my mouth for 4 years I didn't say a word back,
because of fears I wouldn't see my daughter. As my daughter got older she
would question my feelings towards her regarding do I love her which I
guess is natural for a child to ask, though other comments would come out
regarding not seeing my family and not seeing me. Which hurt so much, I
knew there was another influence brainwashing her. Alls I wanted in my
life was to see my daughter, we have such a good relationship. I kept
hearing off my good friends that my daughters family were brainwashing her
with lies about me. What I didn't understand from my daughter that our
last visit we had such a good talk and I expressed my feeling towards her
that I love her very much and we hugged and said we loved eachother when I
dropped her off home. A couple of days later I received a letter from my
daughter that she didn't want to see me anymore, to which I was
deverstated. I cried for 2 months and was so furious towards her family
that they turned her against me. I have found there actions discusting, I
couldn't believe that people could do such a thing. I come from a very
loving family and this has affected our whole family. These actions to my
daughter have messed her up emotionally, she's very confused. What
parents don't realize that this is a selfish act and there using there
children to vent there emotions. Hopefully my daughter will realize when
she gets older, that she has been lied to, and will come and see me to hear
the truth.
All I can say is that I pray that parents stop this as it
is damaging their children and also the other parent.
Thank You for
this opportunity of expression
Feb 24, 2009 9:32 PM
Guest
:
I still don't know what to do with the grief over losing my son to his
abusive dad a year and a half ago. Not only did I lose him after 14 and a
half years of raising him, but his younger sister lost her beloved brother.
The best way I can describe it is to say it was a psychological
kidnapping. I realized only after the fact that my ex had been conducting
a campaign to get my son to leave...and I do mean leave. NO contact, and
he lives just 15 minutes away.
I left his father due to domestic
violence when my son was 2; this has EVERYTHING to do with why this
happened. People say, don't worry-he'll see through it eventually. But
they don't know my ex.
My son kept it hidden up until the day he left;
this is b/c we were a close & loving family...and I think that my son
knew that the price of admission to a relationship with his dad would be to
give me and his sister up. His dad had not been a very big or regular
presence in his life up until then...and then he exploited every one of my
son's vulnerabilities to manipulate the situation.
I still can't get
over how my son-overnight-turned into a Mini-me of his dad...speaking JUST
LIKE HIM: the verbally abusive behavior and intimidation when I last saw
him.
Must be hard for a child to go from one home...to another
completely different with a parent living in and from a completely
different paradigm...I call in Abuser Land.
I can only hold on to hope
that I will see him again. But what kind of relationship will we have? I
don't think I will be able to have one with him unless he realizes to a
great extent what his dad did, and that I was so wronged, and that he (my
son) lost out as well. BIG loss. The son that I knew and raised for 14 and
a half years is gone forever. I don't know if I'll ever get to know him
again. I am just living with this wound to my heart that is still so open
and painful.
Feb 28, 2009 12:01 PM
Guest
:
I am a mother of 4 beautiful children, and at this time my ex-husband hass
custody. We have been in a battle for 4 years, and now I am beginning to
see exactly what parental alienation is. Today my 6 year old told me I am
nothing but a lias like ther daddy tells them, and the other 3 kids chimed
in with her and telling me about what an awful liat I am. That is just the
tip of the ice berg, and afte reading numerous articles on the internet, I
can clearly see what is going on. I really don't know what to do, and do
not have a lot of money to go back to court again. Does anyone have any
ideas??? I live in OK, and donot know what the law on this is out
here.......
Apr 1, 2009 1:27 PM
Guest
:
Can someone please help me, i am recently seperated from an emotionally
abusive husband, who has recently been charged with assult against me.
Nobody from his family and i don't think my kids even think he did anything
wrong (no witness')and I should not have called the police. He is filling
my youngest daughters head with visions of strip searches etc and that i
just fell. Now not even 3 months later is introducing another women to
spend time with her and suck up to her as most women will when it comes to
men with daughters. they don't know I know for fear of hurting me I think,
but I'm so heart sick and don't know what to do. I was always the primary
care giver for these kids. He got the kids to say that they wanted shared
custody arrangements, but he bought me out of the house (there home for the
last 10 years) and will now not pay me the support I need to buy my own
house. I'm having to stay at my mothers a 20 minute drive away. any advice
will help.
Apr 1, 2009 1:38 PM
Karen Stephenson :
To the guest that left the comment on April 1, 2009 .... contact me at
angel-2424@hotmail.com .... I may be able to put you in contact with some
help.
Karen Stephenson
Jun 8, 2009 9:57 PM
Guest
:
develop a good network of family and friends? I could cry you a river,
there's no such thing... no one cares no one will help us... family? BIG
joke... FRIENDS? what are those? oh the people I just called who are shady
and get back to me on their own time? Oh yeah - develop a network... after
being controlled, abused, torn down, and not allowed out - now that our
dear dad walked out - I need to go out and network??? HA HA - it is so
simple to form healthy relationships and it can be done over night! Give me
something to believe in - you may dislike my sarcasm - but prove me wrong.
Show me why I need to keep fighting, show me justice in this world, or tell
it like it is - the truth - THERES NO HOPE, no justice, IT NEVER STOPS...
it will not stop... who wants to live life that way? - sincerely, Miss
Ice
12 Comments
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