Many believe that relationship abuse occurs because the abuser lacks self control and is prone to fits of explosive violence. In fact, abusers deliberately choose their behavior and domestic violence follows an established cycle, which occurs in three distinct stages. This cycle of violence makes it easy for abusers to manipulate their partners and difficult for partners to leave the abusive relationship.
The Three Phases of the Cycle of Violence
Counselors who work with the victims of domestic abuse have identified three primary stages in the domestic violence cycle. The three primary stages of the cycle are:
- a “normal” or “honeymoon” phase during which abuse does not occur
- a period of tension building, during which the abuser dwells on the partner's faults and plans future episodes of abuse
- an episode of violence, whether physical or verbal
During the “normal” or “honeymoon” phase, abuse does not occur and the abused partner may begin to believe that it won't occur again. The abuser may declare remorse for his behavior and promise that it won't happen again. The abuser will do everything in his power to convince the abused partner to remain in the relationship. He may become charming, thoughtful and supportive; he may pretend the abuse never happened.
During the tension building phase, the abuser obsesses over his partner's faults and plans future abuse, which occurs in the abuse phase of the domestic violence cycle.
Recognizing the Cycle of Relationship Abuse in Real Life
How does the cycle of domestic violence play out in daily life? An abuser uses episodes of physical violence, or even verbal abuse to intimidate and control the victim. Afterward, he may express remorse, apologize, promise never to do it again, pin the blame for the abuse on the victim, or deny that the abuse occurred. The abuser may make excuses for his or her behavior, claiming to have lost their temper or blaming the behavior on mental illness, alcohol or drugs.
During the normal or honeymoon phase, abuse may not occur. The abuser may pretend that the abuse never happened. The abuser may temporarily keep the promises made following the last episode of abuse. The abuser may become newly charming, may shower the abused partner with gifts, and will do whatever possible to keep the abused partner in the relationship. The victim may hope that the abuse has ended.
During the tension building phase, the abuser will begin to find fault with his partner for a myriad of reasons and will begin to fantasize about how he or she will punish the partner in a future episode of abuse. The abuser will plan the next episode of abuse and may set up a contrived situation so that he or she can justify abusing the other partner.
Episodes of Domestic Abuse Do Not Occur at Random
The cycle of domestic violence proves that episodes of relationship abuse do not occur at random. Relationship abuse occurs only after planning on the part of the abusive partner. The cycle of violence found in abusive relationships makes it difficult for victims to leave; they feel that the good times they experience during the periods in which abuse does not occur outweigh the periods of abuse themselves, especially when episodes of abuse are infrequent.
The domestic violence cycle can occur hundreds or even thousands of times within an abusive relationship, though not all cases of domestic abuse follow the cycle exactly as it's described here. The cycle forms a large part of the manipulation and control tactics used by abusive partners to keep their victims within the relationship.
Sources:
Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Books. New York, New York. 2002. Print.
Davies, Pat; Segal, Jeanne Ph.D; and Smith, Melinda M.A. “Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships.” Helpguide. Helpguide.org. September 2009. Web. 16 November 2009.
 |
 |
 |
