Abuse in relationships follows a cyclical pattern: the abuser intersperses repentance and forgiveness in between the abuse. This keeps the victim under the abuser's control, because the victim believes that the abuser will change. Both men and women can be victims and abusers; however, the abuser will be referred to as “he” and the victim as “she” in this article for clarity only.
The abuse cycle pattern has three parts: build up, eruption and repentance and forgiveness. This cycle continues in all forms of relationship abuse: emotional, sexual and physical abuse. As the abuse continues in the relationship, the negative aspects of the cycle increase and the positive aspects of the cycle decrease. According to the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence, the victim “may become beaten down and lose all will to care for herself.”
Build Up
The first part of the abuse cycle is the build up: tension, demands, inadequacies and put downs. The abuser will make the victim feel horrible about herself. Anything the victim feels insecure about, the abuser will use to his advantage. For example, the abuser may accuse the victim of being an alcoholic or an inadequate wife. During the build up phase, the abuser's jealousy and rage will begin to increase, and be directed towards the victim.
Eruption
The second part of the abuse is the eruption: the abuser will take his aggression out on the victim. This can be manifested as physical, sexual and emotional abuse. According to the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence, “verbal abuse is a danger signal just as much as physical abuse.” With physical abuse, according to the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence, it “may begin with a shove or a splay and escalate to homicide.”
Repentance and Forgiveness
After the abuse, the abuser will revert to repentance and forgiveness. Known as the “honeymoon phase,” the abuser will use sweet talk to keep the victim under his control. According to the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence, the abuser may use lines like: I cannot live without you. I will lose my job, or flunk out of college if I do not have you because I just cannot concentrate.” The abuser may shower the victim with gifts and promise the victim that the abuse will not happen again. During this time, the victim will temporarily have the power in the relationship and will believe that the abuse will not happen again.
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