Abuse

» needhelp12 - i am in a verbally abusive marriage.

In response to i am in a verbally abusive marriage. posted by jfarris:

-- posted by needhelp12

» needhelp12 - my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage

My girlfriends mom Lisa has been married for 23 years now, and my girlfriend is 17. Lisa has not worked since my girlfriends brother was adopted 19 years ago and isnt allowed to get a job because her husband Todd wont let her. He makes tons of money and only has about 40,000 left on the house from the time they bought it 11 years ago and it was a 900,000 dollar house, just to give everyone an idea of how much money is available. He never gives her money for anything except to buy groceries and things for the house. She isnt allowed to spend money for herself or for my her kids unless he approves it. So he basically has to buy it himself for it to be ok. He is verbally abusive and physically abusive sometimes, but the verbal is constant. She has been stuck for so long and is pretty much helpless because he owns everything and wont let her do anything by threatening that things will get worse if she does. My girlfriends older brother David is bigger than his dad now and is able to do what he wants but my girlfriend isnt 18 yet and her mom and her take the abuse constantly. Lisa wants a divorce now that we all found that he was having an affair but he will never agree to one because he doesnt want her to have anything. He also lied that he stopped seeing his other partner a year or two ago after we found the letters like it was old news so it was ok, but we looked and the e-mails were saved from the other month. Now he said he was done but David's friend informed us that he saw Todd and his partner together when he was supposed to be on a business trip. Teresa Brouwer if you read this please help because this needs to end and they need to divorce.

-- posted by needhelp12

» jfarris - my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage

In response to my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage posted by needhelp12:

Your friends mom has to understand that she is in the drivers seat here. With no small children to worry about she only has to file for the divorce. Tell her to get all of her ducks in a row first however. She will need a place to stay and she will need to make a police report that this man has been physically abusive. Her best bet is to go to the police department and tell them what she intends to do, leave him, and then set it up with a good attorney. She has to take the first step in this and she has to feel ok with it otherwise as hard as you try she will return to him out of guilt or fear. Help her find a support group or someone to talk to.

-- posted by jfarris

» needhelp12 - my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage

In response to my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage posted by jfarris:

I dont know how divorce really works with who has to agree to it and the paper work but i thought that both the husband and wife would have to sign something. Is that wrong?.. Does only one of them have to file for it and then they can divorce? Or does the other spouse have to also agree to the divorce? And how will it work with an attorney if she has no money because her husband has all of it? Thank you so much for your advice everyone.

-- posted by needhelp12

» jfarris - my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage

In response to my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage posted by needhelp12:

Your firends mom can file for the divorce and he does not have to sign a thing. If he contests it, they may have to go to court but the law will not force them to stay married. She needs to find a lawyer who will take the case on contiengency, this means that the attorney will ask the judge that the man will pay for her court costs and fees. She may have to look a bit but those attorneys are out there. Contact a local woman's shelter and they should ahve a list of those who can help.

-- posted by jfarris

» needhelp12 - my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage

In response to my girlfriends mom has been stuck in an abusive marriage posted by jfarris:

Thank you so much for all your info.

-- posted by needhelp12

» georgeg9604 - i am in a verbally abusive marriage.

these past few weeks have been hell for me,and I would like to tell you my story,since your life sounds so much like mine...well this has been going on for a while,but on june 1st 2006,things really got bad for our whole family.My wife has kicked me out of our home many times,with me sleeping @ my brothers,or rest stops in my car.Not fun...You see my wife controlls everything,so when i was out,i had nothing.I just could not take any more of anything!!!!Here is what happened..on 6-6-06 ,I tried to take my own life.I took 100 t-pm tabs,I parked my car and was just hoping to die.But i ended up having seizures,black-outs,not knowing what was going on,i ended up getting out of my car and walked in front of 2 cars going 50 mph...I dont remember much but I walked away with nothing broken,but i do have some head injury,cause i have seizures now,and a messed up liver,from the pills i took.I was in icu for a while,but when i woke up heres my wife sitting there.i was so happy that i was still alive,and my wife was there.but as time went on,my family was trying to see me but she drove everyone that cared about me away and put all the blame on them.I really thought she was there for me,but i was dead wrong,when i got to go home i went home with her thinking things would be different,but 2 weeks later i tried to take my life again,i just could not understand why my wife hated me so much,but she ended up taking a restraining order out on me before i did.she stated that i abused her!!!i never touched her,i loved her so much,that i put up with all of her actions hoping things would just get better.but they never did,now i cant see my little boy,that i love so much.I ask myself now what do i do from here,well she did me a favor,she made the first step.Im staying with family that listen to me,and are helping me get back on my feet....so the truth is i still love my wife,but i know i will never be with her again,and i cry over this every day,but life does go on,i lived through all of this,so i now just have to start over,but everything happens for a reason,so just do what you think is right,and dont let things go as far as mine did,enjoy your life,its priceless...........

-- posted by georgeg9604

» lafemmenikita07 - Doesn’t matter rather a Stalker, Obsessed Fan, Insane/Sick

It doesn’t matter rather they are referred to as a Stalker, Obsessed Fan or Admirer, Insane or Sick Person? Given, the slightest opening “these people” eventually will hurt you and perhaps your love ones if they are not stopped.

While searching the Internet Sunday, I came across Actor Colin Farrell’s alleged stalker incident on the Jay Leno Show. The path took me to the alleged stalker's site. I was eating an In-and-Out burger at the time and I almost threw up. The alleged stalker's site reminded me of my own stalking incident that I feel I should disclose on the internet so people can know how serious this crime is and recognize the subtle signs of a stalker or at least know that stalkers do not just stalk celebrities and other public figures nor just ex-wives/boyfriends. Anybody can be stalked. I was stalked for approximately 1 and half years. Stalkers can be very patience. The stalker told me how long he had been doing it. I had no clue what so ever. Some stalkers also believe it is a game and assume that their prospective victim knows the game rules and is playing the game also. When confronted 99% of the time the stalker will mention incidents where they think the victim offered an open invitation to them. My stalker told me that while he was on the computer that I leaned over him and my breasts were close to him. He claimed he rubbed up against them and since I did not say anything he said I consented and that is why he believed I wanted more. First of all, we were in totally different job series and I was not the person assigned to assist employees with their computers. Also, I am not "top big or heavy" so it was no way I could lean over him and have any body part touch him. This incident did not happen. Then when the stalker could not get my attention after all that time and I did not take him seriously he tricked me away to an isolated location. He asked me to help him find something in an accounting system. I knew the system. He sat in the chair in front of the computer looking dumbfounded. My thoughts were how could he not know that the prior system had been replaced approximately 8 months ago. Anyway, I had a "heavy" task to teach him how to go into this new system and extract this data. I asked him to let me sat down at the computer and he moved.
I was so into this task explaining things moving through different parts of the system and so I did not know that he had moved and stood directly behind me within hands distance to the back of my neck. After, I drilled down to the lowest level of detail I asked him for the identifier he wanted. He replied that he did not know it. At that time, I thought why would he leave that information at his desk. Then, I felt uneasiness. He had asked no questions during the system demonstration. My mind was identifying his screw-ups; however, I still did not know what was ahead for me. The stalker put is hands on my shoulder and started messaging my shoulders. I froze. He asked me if I liked it. I said “no”. He did not stop. He forced his hands down my blouse into my bra and fondled my breasts so roughly that I had to take painkillers for a few days. He "hurt me". I tried to fight back; however, he was so strong. Also, my diabetic condition was "out of control" so I was more physically weaker than usual. My mother told me to confront him and make him understand not to ever touch me again. The next time I saw him I did. Then I got a glimpse into the mind of a stalker like a law enforcement profiler tries to identify the "psyche" of a serial criminal. The rationalizations he mentioned were beyond comprehension. I felt he “snapped”. He mentioned all types of things and circumstances that caused his behavior; however, not once, did he take responsibility or say he was sorry. In addition, my mother did not know what she was talking about. Do not confront your stalker. Seek help.
At first, my supporters and I thought I had been a victim of sexual harrassment. However, after describing the physical parts, fighting, and his retraining of me the police indicated a "felony" assualt had happened.

-- posted by lafemmenikita07

» lafemmenikita07 - i am in a verbally abusive marriage.

In response to i am in a verbally abusive marriage. posted by georgeg9604:

I wept the entire time reading your post. I believe I cried for your pain and for the joy you will now have that the healing process has started. I cried so much doing my ordeal that one day I was tired of crying. I wanted my joy back. However, because of my religous beliefs I knew that my joy would not return until I could forgive the stalker and rid myself of the hate for him. For those reasons, I acquired religous assistance. The first step was I had to admit that I hated another human being and felt no forgiveness. Once I confessed and accepted that I was capable of those powerful and ugly emotions I was on my road to recovery. It was not just my body he hurt that day. It was also my soul and salvation. I made an agreement with myself to fight the demons haunting me. I told myself that I cannot let him steal my "joy". He did not give it to me and hence he can not take it away. I started with "baby steps". The forgiveness and my hatred for the stalker did not go away quickly. I had to fight again. This time not a person. The fight was with how I was going to allow this incident to affect my life. This was my inspiration to fight back everyday. Then, one day I was finally able to forgive him and stop hating. I did it for me not him. None of this was shared with him. He later was transferred to another location, eventually retired and less than a year and a half later he collapsed and spent a month in a hospital because his major organs were shutting down. He died.
Then I wrestled with my lifeless emotions for him. I felt no empathy that he had died and that is not like me. I had to sort out what I was feeling. I did not know what was going on with me because I was like a "stone face". Then the worst happened. I felt gulity that I felt no emotions that he had died. I had a challeng to face. I faced the next challenge by sorting out what I was feeling and not being so hard on myself. Then that dilema went away. So I know that yours will too George. Thank you for sharing George. I know it was so painful to write it down. Do something for me? Sometimes at night go outside and look for the brightest star, the Northern Star. When you see it smile and think happy thoughts because I am communicating with you a positive sense of being. Try it.

-- posted by lafemmenikita07

» settler - i am in a verbally abusive marriage.

Thanks George. I was wondering if I would get any responses. And frankly stopped checking more than two weeks ago. I was getting sad and feeling even more isolated.

My wife had control of a lot of the stuff, but she kept pushing and finally at one point I wasn't giving in quick enough and she hit me. I am almost a foot taller and a lot bigger and could easily hurt her and she couldn't do a thing about it. Since that and the fact that she realized I was already giving all I had and was already thinking of leaving that she slowely started helping, but made it very aparent at every turn that she shouldn't have to and that she resented everything that I made her do.

Something came to a conclusion for her several months ago. I don't know what it was, but she finally decided to end it, but is trying to do it as equitably as possible. I'm not sure if she is being nice or just trying to end it nicely so that it doesn't drag out and interfere with her future life. We are still living under one roof with our three kids.

It seems to have struck her when we were talking weeks ago and she commented on why would I even want to be around her now and I said "frankly this for me is the same as it has been for the past six years". Frankly being uncomfurtable, worried about what she would do, feeling on edge, and hurt is how I have felt for years, so what is different now. This really did seem to strike her and she made reference to it a day or two later showing that she had been thinking about it.

She knows that I have several valid points and proof and witnesses for some to make it clear that there was many failts on her part. Basically we are at a wash at best for her, so she can not just run over me in a court or anywhere else any more.

I do have several friends who have tried to help and a couple who keep stick to me. I even have one who calls every week to check on me. Thanks Glenn!

Settlers

-- posted by settler