Abuse

» KeepSmiling - Not Sure

In response to Not Sure posted by Awenasa:

Abuse is an issue. Recovery from what - his past, look into his past, it will tell you so much. You are not overacting to a normal situation. Two people marry for many reasons, one of them is sustainability, helping each other live. Living is physical and mental. By depleting you of your mental stability is gains control by making you reliant on him. He did not marry you to have a nurturing fulfilling relationship. He married you because he needs you and he wants you just to need him. He hates the fact that you could sustain yourself on your own, that is why he has tried to rid you of your family, they made you, they help you. When the chips are down, can you turn to him, no, you can turn to your family though by the sounds of things! He hates that. Mental and verbal abuse is crushing to one's soul, inside only you know how you feel. Those red flags were there but unfortunately at a time when other things matter, like finding a good mate, finding happiness with another. You wanted it so bad you ignored your sixth sense, your gut feeling. A normal relationship should not give you that "alone" feeling, it is not until you are older, wiser, that you can reflect back and say Whoa, why did I let that happen, what was I thinking. You have been with this man for a long time and you have become complacent with how he is, probably still wishing he will change, see the light, make what you have nurturing and nourishing, but he will never see what you see because he is different to you and I (and 80% of the population). Some of us, you and me, ignore what is right in front of us and hope for what we want them to be, hope for someone to understand feelings. I have two children to a man I have been with for 7 years. I have many stories to tell, like you I sometimes feel I am overreacting to a normal situation, but if you sit back and look and the big, big, picture, we aren't overreacting, we just wanted something "normal", but they want to confuse everything normal, they like chaos, like to upset people, like to see someone so confused that they cry in anguish. They like people to explain, explain, and all the while they are weaving a web of more confusing so that you seem crazy, just crazy. In reality it is them who is crazy, they dislike (hate) themselves so much they have no 'true self', it is all an act because if they were really them, they would be nothing and that is what they want you to feel like, nothing, an object. To them, you are there for them, not for you. So, now I feel like I am raving on. I found a lot of help from the internet, look up narcissist, look up emotional abuse. The father of my children is a narcissist. The only stories of his childhood that I have heard are pretty horrifying. My childhood was not perfect but I think I had a mum who was very doting but still in connection with normality, she raised us well. My dad raised us well and worked all his life but he was/is an alcoholic. I feel that all of my experiences have nurtured me, I have goodness. On the other hand, the father of my children, now that I have been with him for 7 years and with all I have been through, any goodness he displays is an act, an act to attract attention to himself, I have seen the sinister side, his head is full of negatives, full of cynicism, full of hate, he has no empathy and when he displays an act of empathy that is what it is a display. Only one who has lived with a narcissist will no what I mean. An example of his hate is to headbutt me but not connect, therefore no bruise, I got to see his eyes, his hate, his frustration, his vengeance on whatever! And when I raise the issue, explaining why I wont tolerate that, why it is not right, well, what do I get. What are you talking about, where is your bruises, your crazy. Many more stories and some just subtle remarks by him, these remarks pull you down so far, over the years, the remarks get worse and then you fight about the remarks being made, a war of remarks, what a wonderful relationship, so full of love!!!!. Anyhow, raved on, I hope this has helped you. Keep on going, enjoy your life, even if you remain with this man, use him as a tool just like he uses you. Show him now empathy but stay smart or leave him, after a while you will find your feet, you sound like a bright intelligent woman. Go girl..

-- posted by KeepSmiling

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» justcathy63 - abuse denial?

I've been married for 15 years. Five years ago my husband and had a fight that escalated and he shoved me so hard I bounced into the kitchen cabinets. I was stunned. Worst part it was in front of my child (then 4 years old). I had bruises and fingerprint bruises under my arms.

We sleep in separate rooms going on 3 or 4 years (I've lost count). Over the years our fights have exploded and he shoves me up against a wall or put his hands around my neck and shakes me. He even shot out a window in our house with a gun and said, "The next bullet will be in his neck." Divorce is not an option with him.

I have threatened to call the police, packed my bags but I never go thru with it. I still have doubt that it really is bad, that it warrants leaving. Leaving is the scariest feeling ever and feel very lost. Is this really bad even to leave even though it doesn't happen on a daily basis?

scared

-- posted by justcathy63

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» jfarris - abuse denial?

In response to abuse denial? posted by justcathy63:

I understand your fear but there is somehting that can begin that is scarier yet and that is your childern. One of two things could happen here, either he can tire of abusing you and move to them or he is teaching your kids to abuse you as well. I found that the best thing I could do for my sons was to stand up to their dad and get out of the situation. They respected me more for that and they now fight for themselves.

-- posted by jfarris

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» justcathy63 - abuse denial?

Thank you for replying. We have been arguing that now last days. I'm praying for strength to make the change.

Thank you again

In response to abuse denial? posted by jfarris:

-- posted by justcathy63

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» jfarris - abuse denial?

In response to abuse denial? posted by justcathy63:

You have your strength, if nothing else you have it here with us. We will all support you. Try to stop fighting with him and just make the decision to change yourself. You have others who rely on your decisions so now it is time to take it to the next level. As I said before the strength your kids will find they will see in their mom first.

-- posted by jfarris

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» meri1028 - Not Sure

In response to Not Sure posted by KeepSmiling:

I just found this website as I sit at work. I am in the midst of trying to decide whether to leave my fiance. I found your post & it sparked something inside me. I am 26 yrs old. We have dated since we were 17. We moved in together a year and 5 mths ago. We bought a house a year ago, which he made it clear that it was going to be in his name & he would make the payments, but somehow we both ended up making the payments. We have had problems in the past. He has been unfaithful & I am ahamed to admit abusive. You must understand this man is a loving caring man, but he has a temper that gets to the point where he can not control it. He is not a hateful man. But he can be a bully & cruel when he is mad. I have tried to get him to go to counseling for himself & couples therapy - but he won't. He thinks if he can't solve his problems why would a perfect stranger be able to. We had set our date for September 16 of this year. I should get to the point of why I am writing to you. Your article scared me. I look at myself & I think what is it going to take. But I always say I can change him. If I don't give up on him & us, he will see & want to make it work as much as I do. Last night I believe was a turning point for me. I did something silly & he called what I did stupid under his breath. I said I heard him but he said he didn't care. We sat down to dinner & he wouldnt hold my hand to pray. I got mad & he said I had a nasty attitude. He knocked over his plate all over the table, I got mad & knocked it off the table after he walked away. He came back & asked if I had knocked it on the floor & I told him yes. He then knocked my plate of hot food all over me. I would like to think it was not on purpose, but I know it was. He left the house & came back to tell me that the wedding was cancelled & we couldn't get married ever. I think maybe I over reacted to his remark, but his reaction was uncalled for. He has never done anything like that. He has put his hands on me but never actually hit me. I have had bruises, but I fight back too. I love him and I know I don't deserve this, but I just keep hoping maybe he will see what he has done. When he does see it, he apologizes, then does the "but if you hadn't..., I would have never hurt you". I know it's wrong, I tell myself it's wrong & I deserve better, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to give up on our relationship. I share all of this with you to get your oppinion. Things can be great for months at a time, but somehow we always end up here. I am heartbroken over the wedding, and I try to think maybe this is a good thing, but we still live together. We have been each other's best friends for 9 years. I know what I should do, I know I should leave, but after all he's done to me, something still holds me back and I don't know if it's my love for him or what. It was good to find this site & see other people's stories. Thank you.

-- posted by meri1028

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» brokenwings - Not Sure

In response to Not Sure posted by meri1028:

Hi Keep Smiling. KEEP SMILING and thank your lucky stars that you are "seeing the light", BEFORE you become even more entrenched by CONTROLLING behavior:

1. House in HIS name ONLY--and you "get" to help pay the mortgage??? BIG sign of controlling YOU, and making you DEPENDENT. BTW--how much of YOUR money went towards the down-payment for HIS HOUSE?

2. Unfaithful in the past: HE WILL BE UNFAITHFUL in the FUTURE, and will BLAME YOU! He has no sense of "true COMMITMENT" (only to HIMSELF and HIS NEEDS...)

3. Abusive in the PAST= abusive in the FUTURE--thank God you do not have kids....

4. Apologies, apologies, apologies--HOLLOW, given "if YOU hadn't [done x,y,or z]--I never would have HURT YOU"--He KNOWS that he is HURTING you, but it is "YOUR FAULT"--blame the victim...

Keep Smiling-- AND RUN LIKE HELL--if you marry this "man"--you will NEVER truly smile again.

You deserve much better. It is fortunate that you found this site. You can and WILL survive, IF you get out before HE MAKES IT NEAR-IMPOSSIBLE.

Stay with friends, get an apt., do whatever you have to. MUCH easier when you are young, able to work, and have no kids!!!!

BE STRONG!

-- posted by brokenwings

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» hl87 - i feel stupid posting this....

Okay, i feel really stupid posting this because i really am not even sure i'm in an abusive relationship...especially after reading about all the horrible stories in this forum.
i'm only 19 and i've been with my boyfriend for two years. he loves me very much, and i love him as well...however, recently he's become so controlling. he hates when i go out to parties, when i wear sexy clothes when i'm not with him, when i drink or smoke, when i see friends who he thinks "aren't my friends," etc. He says if i don't change my behavior for him then i don't really love him. he's making me feel like i am a truly bad person for doing these "bad things" that hurt him. i know it doesn't really sound like abuse so much, but i can't help thinking it is because of how controlling he is of my life and my choices. i don't know what to do.
sorry, just had to rant a bit. i'm quite conflicted.

-- posted by hl87

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» Anya120 - Dear, "Not sure of abuse..."

Well, at 19, you still have many options.

I'd say that if you have doubts, act on them now rather than waiting.

It only gets worse if you wait (IMO).

My b/f is probably abusive, but he can't see it.

And, it's not like he hits me or anything, so I too am conflicted about breaking it off.

Mostly, he just cuts me down for saying things to him and tells me I interrupt all the time. He, of course, can interrupt ME whenever he pleases.

So, I come off as whiny and inconsiderate, whereas, he is the too-oft wronged victim.

I see it differently. I'm not perfect, but then sgain, I don't claim to be.

So, I also have NO IDEA if I'm wrong or he is, but often it seems, I am the one willing to do counseling or make changes, and he is the one reluctant to do so.

Just understand that I know it is hard to cope with this. And, hard to know if you are seeing things accurately.

All I want to say is that if you feel wronged, you may very well BE wronged.

Do your best to establish boundaries and go from there. And, if you continue to be unhappy, break it off ASAP, as it is easier to do so sooner rather than later on...

~Anya

-- posted by Anya120

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» settler - i feel stupid posting this....

It will jsut get worse. Once he marries you you are completely his property and anything he says is law. Think of a slave and a slave owner. He can push you around now, but once he has bought you he can do whatever. Sorry! Maybe a little overly cinical, but it sounds like you are already in an abusive situation. He definitly is trying to control you! It will defenitly get worse, inless you think you are intierly wrong about all of these things. I don't think you are!

Settlers

-- posted by settler

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