Abuse

» Awenasa - Not Sure

Hi Everyone,

I have been married for 21 years. We have no children only pets. I am trying to determine if I am living in emotional abuse. I have been in recovery for alcohol and drugs July will be 2 years.

The things my husband does are very subtle to the point I doubt myself. I will try to describe what I am talking about. If I am over reacting to a normal situation then wonderful if not then I will know how to proceed from here.

I remember when I first got married my husband did not want me to go shoppoing with my Mom. I went anyway. (red flag?) Please understand at that point I was a crazy wild child and honestly my husband did not drink etc and I think I was looking for stability in my life. Because I sure was not handling things well. We moved shortly after that about 6 hours from my home.

I remember my husband making the statements whenever we got into a fight that it was good that we were not close to family so I (not him) could not run home to family. It made us stronger. He presents this to this day as the best thing we ever did was move away from family.

He is a red head and yes he has a temper. For the first two years I did not work and felt very trappd. We had a car that I could never get into 1st shift and well I did not do much on my own. Finally I decided to get a job and that caused a bit of stress. Why? Why do you need to work?

He got used to that. Now tell me is it so wrong to go to visit your parents without your spouse? He never has liked me to do this. For that matter over the 21 years of us being married we hardly ever got to see my family when we did it was a hassle. Granted it has now become a hassle to visit his folks too.

I would very rarely go out with friends shopping or anything. He would get mad and say the weekends are for us why do you have to go out with them. Anything I wanted to do. Yet turn around and state he never said I could not go.

I just gave up and quit trying. I got displaced from a job of 12 years and was at loose ends. I am now in a job that allows me to work from home and on the road here in town. At first this was a big struggle but when the money came in wonderful.

He got more demanding on the money and would have everything planned out with my money to buy this pay bills etc. Granted I get things but supposedly he discussed it? I tried saying no I don't think this is a good idea etc.. in one ear and out the other. He would deny I tried to say it if confronted to this day. He does not remember. My stres went up and the bills mounted and honestly I think I have become passive aggressive in that I would not do things I should to get the money coming in. He started working 2nd shift and I started drinking at home more and more my old habits coming back to haunt me.
I started going to a church that was very big on recovery and found my way to sobriety. I guess because it was a church it was ok for me to go do things honestly at this point I did not care my survival mode was kicking in.

It has been rough the past two years. I am sure we are both co-dependant. So I worked on that setting up boundaries etc. Again there is still subtle things going on. If any of you are familiar with addiction you know that meetings are like taking your medicine. You have to go. For me that is how it is. As long as the meetings do not interfere with our time he is ok. About a year ago he switched to 3rds and his evenings were now free and my meetings were a big thorn in his side. He would fuss and say he was lonely that he missed me why can't I go to the meetings some other time. So I would stay home and he would go to his office and ignore me until it was time for him to go to work.

I finally switched to day meetings which I love and he thinks is ok because he thinks he chose the group I am going to. Also a dear friend and his co worker goes to that meeting. He approves. But even this past week when his folks were here and I had a business meeting to go to for my group he got fussy and I worked around it and did not go. Then later he said well you could have went it really did not matter.

The last recent thing is that I am going out of town the end of July with my Mom and Sister. He is very jealous. He let me know this as well. In the same breathe he stated he is jealous because he is working full time and I am playing at my job and we are on the verge of bankruptcy. (my mom and sister are paying for me to go) Why should I get to go when I have not been working. (yes that is my fault I am working on me.) I finally said I am going. He sat there and said finally you make a decision and maybe one day you will do things like this without feeling guilty.

He did admit to being jealous but not understanding why.

I walk around on eggshells waiting for him to explode. I actually stood up and confronted him a couple of days ago which made him admit the jealousy and the not understanding of it. I admit he has grown a lot! I am willing to stick it out as long as I see progress.

Oh and he always talks about going to see a marriage counselor but is never willing to follow through usually a few days later he is stating they are all morans and why can't we help ourselves that is what we got married for. He does not really want outside help.

I know I am over sensitive. I have always been. I can read people and their emotions before they know what they are feeling themselves.

OK I will shut up and hopefully this is not to boring and I pray that someone will have some insight into whether or not abuse is an issue or is it just recovery.
Thanks So Much.

-- posted by Awenasa

» jfarris - Not Sure

When someone keeps you from living your life whether it is with intimidation or subtlity it is still abuse. The point is that he has a great deal of control over your life in one way or the other. The question you need to ask youself is, do I feel abused? Do I feel trapped? And if you try and discuss this with him how does he react?

-- posted by jfarris

» holly30 - Terrible Relationships With Parents

Does anyone have terrible relationships with one or both of their parents? I had a pretty crappy relationship with my dad. I can hardly remember a time when he didn't criticize me and one time he even threatened me with a knife. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to both me and my younger brother. Sadly, both of my parents have passed on and I'm currently in therapy.

-- posted by holly30

» jfarris - Terrible Relationships With Parents

It is tough when the very people you are born with the right to trust, let you down. What makes that harder is if they never said they were sorry. At this point your parents are gone and you can no longer have that conversation with them so it is now up to you to move on. I think many people have bad relationships with their parents especially if your parents were born before the 1970's. It is important to remember that when your dad was a kid his life was hard because times were so unsure and tough. This is not an excuse to abuse you however it may help you to understand.

-- posted by jfarris

» Basil44 - Terrible Relationships With Parents

I had a dreadful relationship, if you can even describe it as a relationship, with my "dad". I have written about it at the ambient abuse discussion board. So you are not alone. I have largely spoken about the massive impact that the abuse had on my marriage. Basically my marriage did not stand a chance, right from the start. The other side of it, apart from my marriage, is how it has affected the relationship I have got with my 12 year old twins!!! I have had a "fight on" every day trying not to treat the kids, the way my dad did me. It as all been very, very difficult. Really, my dad being abusive has affected every part of my life. I am waiting to go to therapy to see what can be done, if anything. But as the abuse lasted for more than 30 years, I doubt it. And to be truthful, I erected a barrier between me and hubby and I dont want it to come down!!! I simply dont want to be close to any man ever again as long as I live. So I understand how you feel. I hope that the therapy will really help you.

From Basil44

-- posted by Basil44

» confused64 - Not Sure

In response to Not Sure posted by Awenasa:

Dear Awenasa:

I too, have been married for 20+ years, and have only recently discovered that I have been controlled and verbally/emotionally abused by my soon-to-be ex husband. I believe it is called Ambient Abuse. It is sneaky and subtle. You don't realize it is happening until you are so deep into it that you think you can't get out! Like jferris said, noone should have the right to control your thoughts and needs. When the time is right for you, you will reach a decision on what needs to be done.

Keep posting here, it is an absolute godsend. And remember, you are not alone!

Blessings
confused64

-- posted by confused64

» holly30 - Another thing about my dad

My dad was very strict with me and would spank me with a big leather belt. That was usually his way of disciplining me. The problem was, he spanked me for seemingly minor things like sneaking food out of the fridge, marking on the wall, and going inside a neighbor's house after I had been told not to. He acted like he was the police and I was breaking the law. The spankings were more like whippings. He spanked me so hard that it always made me scream. He also convinced(more like brainwashed) my mom that he was doing the right thing by whipping my butt so hard. I also got whipped for talking back, even if it wasn't extremely hateful.

-- posted by holly30