Abuse

» brokenwings - Am I abused

In response to Am I abused posted by jfarris:

Thanks Ms. Farris! Well, I had to be sneaky, but it worked: I called ex's best friend last week--said I just wanted to see the dog for 5 minutes to "say goodbye", that I learned a valuable lesson when I fell down the staircase--that I was an inappropriate "burden", no wonder ex was so mad all the time, ex was always right--I am stubid ugly and clumbsy, won't inflict myself on anyone anymore, etc etc.

Out of the blue, ex showed up with dog--at first he only wanted me to have him for part of the day, but I said I just wanted a little more time alone w/ dog, perhaps ovrernite. Ex said (unwillingly) ok, but I had to "promise" not to do anything stupid, be very careful w/ my leg, etc. etc. (I'm thinking to myself, a little late for the concern, dear)-- I said "of course, I won't do anything stupid". 15 minutes after ex left, I grabbed the dog, some clothes, locked up the house and was GONE!

Took the dog to the vet, got his shots up-dated, current license and spent 4 days at a friend's house. Left a message on his cell phone that dog and I were out of town, we were BOTH doing MAGNIFICANTLY WELL (I did not want him to show up at my house, only to discover we were both gone...)

NOT A PEEP FROM EX!!!!!!!

My car is now well stocked with essentials--clothing food, etc, and I have a "secret location" at a VERY PUBLIC campground where I can go in an emergency! The camp host and wife know about the situation, the Sherrif's Dept. is about 5 minutes away, and makes daily rounds. Ex would NEVER guess this is where I would be. He has ALL my camping stuff (and has NO IDEA that I just bought everything I need), and I have let him (and his best friend) BOTH think that there is just no way I could camp anyhow, given my leg, etc. etc.

Like I said, very sneaky, but it WORKED! The article "Malignant Self Love" was very informative. Ex is one of those "public charmers", "private abusers", and therefore, public image is VERY important to him, as is his PRIVACY. So, I will be volunteering at the Women's Crisis Center--IF he ever contacts me, I will be sure to casually mention this little tid-bit. In addition, ex knows that i am aquainted with the District Attorney, as I was a potential witness in a very high-profile trial concerning-you guessed it-domestic violence where the woman was slashed almost to death by her ex. So, he now knows that I am surrounded by people "IN THE KNOW". I plan on regaining control over MY LIFE, ex and his dirty little secret can no longer CONTROL ME!!!!

Because of this Forum, I am no longer afraid to let other people know what I went through, and I cannot thank you all enough for giving me the knowledge and COURAGE to GET OUT of this "relationship". The few friends that I still have all know about it, and are very supportive and PROTECTIVE over me. One friend now calls EVERY NIGHT to check up--she knows the drill if there is no answer...and has ex's name, address and phone numbers to give the police, if necessary.

So--I will not live in fear, I have taken pre-cautionary steps for protection, and I feel LIBERATED!!!!

THANK YOU ALL!!!!

-- posted by brokenwings

» brokenwings - Am I abused

In response to Am I abused posted by brokenwings:

P.S. Is life a little "lonely"--yes. Do I miss the "good times"--yes. But the thought of the screaming and yelling, critisms about my disability (MIXED MESSAGES--"You need to try and do more--then--your hands aren't the way they used to be--when will you ever learn--you are just like Racheal Welch's character in the Three Muskateers--CLUMBSY--you should get back into the Paralegal Field--GEEZE 'Hon'--why do you CONSTANTLY watch Court TV--", all the RUINED Christmases and the insults about the gifts I bought him (which inevitably brought on another angry outburst from him if I tried to tell him that I thought he would like it, because he had his "eye" on it); all the shopping, cleaning, running around like CRAZY when it was something HE wanted to accomplish; enduring 10 hour car drives after surgeries to visit HIS family for special occasions or emergencies with HIS family, BUT NEVER< NEVER would he accept an invitation from MY FAMILY (3 hours away)...

Oh yes, my medical problems. How quickly they "forget" when THEY have a problem-- HIS broken foot---3 visits to ER (I took him, and cared for HIM for two months and drove him everyhere); the cut tendon in HIS hand (More ER visits, Dr. visits, SURGERY, physical therapy--which I ended up helping him with, since he was dissatisfied with the REAL PT gal), his sore neck, sore back, sore knee, sore rib---and guess whose pain medication he would take--MINE, since he was too lazy to go to a DR--so there were many days that I would just have to "suck it up" pain-wise, as I couldn't get a refill.....

In retrospect--I Now realize that ex is a CHRONICALLY unhappy person--he just inherited a TON of money, bought two houses (so now he has THREE properties), and ya know what?? He finds fault with EVERY SINGLE ONE--AND, he starts a "project" on the houses, never FINISHES it, and has DEVALUATED ALL THREE. He refuses to hire ANYONE to complete the job (they won't do it right, or it is an "unpermitted project", so he doesn't want the City to find out, etc., etc.)

Of course, it is all MY fault, since I am so "high maintenance", and he just doesn't have the time to devote to his "business".

Well, it has been three months apart now--NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE. He can't blame it on ME!!!! He went fishing and camping with his buddy several times, etc., etc., etc. Dawdling--always DAWDLING. You would think his buddy would be a little concerned about being the target of ex's "rath"--afterall, (I just found out recently) when 12 years ago when buddy was in town, with his brand new Toyota Tacoma, ex kicked the new truck and broke the windows, and "Buddy" put ex on a re-payment plan for the cost of repairing the truck.....

"Buddy" defends ex, saying that ex was "drinking" that p.m.--to which I reponded--MY POINT EXACTLY-- when ex drinks, he loses control...and DESTROYS.
Gosh, no surprise that Buddy would defend ex--also just found out that Buddy just got 2nd Felony DUI, and is lookin' at some jail time...

No more excuses, no more denial. This guy came into the relationship with a lot of baggage (and I have now learned just HOW MUCH baggage)), but I will NOT be his "enabler" anymore.

Lonely--yes; difficult to get things done on my own--yes. But now, the energy and effort is for ME--when and HOW, given my physical impairments. I am learning how to pace myself, and to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, and my precious blind doggie.

WE WILL SURVIVE. Is the "worst" over? No clue--depends on how ex reacts when he "discovers" I have no intention of letting him have my doggie back, and that the "relationship" in OVER, and that I am INDEPENDENT and CANNOT be CONTROLLED.

But, as I said before, I have taken precautionary measures to protect myself, emotionally and physically, and others are "in the know".

And YES, it will take time to HEAL, and more importantly, to TRUST. My new approach to life is now, literally and figuratively, "One Step At a Time".

Many, many thanks again to this Forum and its Contributors!

It is WONDERFUL to have a "safe haven" for our innermost thoughts, and COMPANIONS to help each other through very difficult realizations and processes.

Lesson learned: WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!

-- posted by brokenwings

» eurydice23 - I started dating my husband eight years ago.

I started dating my husband eight years ago. For some reason I was kind of attracted to the "bad boy". Why do women do that? Anyway, I learned that he was actually a good guy, same values I had. We grew up in the same kind of environment and wanted the same things out of life. However, he's always been soooo jealous. We live in a small town and if I ever waved to anyone of the opposite sex he would fly off the handle, cussing me out, "what the f*** are you waving at him for?" So I quit waving, and I would PRAY that no one would wave at me because it would be the same thing. Even when we went to get-togethers, I tried to stare at the floor the whole time we were there. If he ever thought I even glimpsed at anyone, he would be all nice until we got in the car and then all of the verbal abuse would start. He's so hot tempered, so jealous all the time. Well, about 4 years ago he went through a real rough spell with drugs. I thought that's why he was so paranoid all of the time. So I did everything I could to help him. I would stay up with him all night if he ever "slipped". I had no idea what was going on. He actually told me and his parents, admitted he had a problem, and it was his idea to get help. It was a long 11 months before he had no "slips". The thing is, he got physical with me during all of that. And afterwards I realized, all of that wasn't just drugs, he just add a anger problem. He's been clean for three years. During the three years, he's been a whole lot better about the jealousy thing. I never feel like I have to stare at the floor. I wave at whoever I want. I've gotten a lot stronger and defend myself instead of just sitting there crying wondering what I'VE done. He still will get physical with me. Never hits me in the face though, people will see that. Pushes me, throws me on the ground, sometimes pulls my hair. And instead of crying in the corner like I used to, I fight back. It's like he wants me to so he can say "well, look what your doing to me!" He tries to blame everything on me. When he drinks it's worse. He's such an ass when he drinks. Calling me a dumb bitch, f-ing whore. He accused me of cheating ALL OF THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so frickin' sick of hearing about what a slut I am, and about all the people I've f*cked! I've never ever been with another man. I see other coules happy, and I think, why can't I have that? I've given him everthing, stood by his side when no one else would, believed in him when no one else did. Last week, I left my jacket at his parents so I went to get it. His brother and dad were home, and he got pissed and accused me of cheating on him with his brother. I got so mad, I packed a suitcase and left. I just drove around for a couple of hours and cooled off. Then like always I came back. He's right, I will always come back. I just want to say, "next time I won't" and mean it. When he gets on his "you cheated on me with..." he always has to have eveidence that I didn't....I'm like "Where the hell is the eveidence that said I even did???!!!"
When he's at work and I'm off, he calls constantly. Wants to know every detail of what I'm doing. I have to have a very good reason for going anywhere.

I guess this had been long enough.

-- posted by eurydice23

» sweetgrass - I started dating my husband eight years ago.

In response to I started dating my husband eight years ago. posted by eurydice23:

"I see other coules happy, and I think, why can't I have that? I've given him everthing, stood by his side when no one else would, believed in him when no one else did."

Dear Eurydice,
Sometimes we give too much to someone who is not deserving of what we give to them. When we do that, it is important for us to examine why we allow someone to treat us that way.
You ask the question why you aren't happy like other couples. Sometimes, the person we are hoping to be happy with is not able to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Then we have to decide if we are going to stay anyway or if we are going to try to make a change in our lives.
There is something about us though that makes us stay.
I do not speak from one who has had success in leaving an abusive relationship. I have tried to make some boundaries for myself and make things as good as I can make it. But I also have to ask myself the question of why I do not leave. I will not be happy with him ever and I will always live unders stress. That is one thing I can depend on.
Anytime I am close to leaving, he senses it and sucks me right back in. I am past believing it will last though. I know the cycle. It is so hard to leave. I think that is what it takes to have a chance at being happy like those other couples you see. It takes leaving someone who is abusive and also doing what we need to do within ourselves to have a good relationship. I hope you will find that happiness and I hope I will too.

-- posted by sweetgrass

» jfarris - I started dating my husband eight years ago.

In response to I started dating my husband eight years ago. posted by sweetgrass:

One major reason folks don't leave is because change is tough. It is hard to walk into the unknown even if the known is abusive. It is also tough to leave when the system you are living under makes your abuser the bread winner. We live in a society that set the environment up for abusive situations. You ahve to see this and then you have to take the steps to change it.
Understand that living without abuse means that you will ahve to accept change and that you will also have to learn to rely on yourself.
You can do it, I know you can.

-- posted by jfarris

» brokenwings - I started dating my husband eight years ago.

In response to I started dating my husband eight years ago. posted by jfarris:

Good Afternoon All! What Ms. Farris has said is SO TRUE!!! WE CAN DO IT!! And yes--change IS tough and it IS "hard to walk into the unknown", BUT--it can also be an interesting, FUN adventure, I am discovering!

Guess what I just did???? WENT CAMPING by MYSELF with my blind doggie!! Well, it was physically a "challenge", but the Camp Host and his wife were JUST FABULOUS!!! They helped me get the tent up, (I TRIED every whichway, but on crutches...well, it actually must have been a little humerous to watch me, and using my crutches to pull the darn thing on the ground so it would be flat, like the instructions said...before you stick the poles through the sleeves, etc.) BUT, I MANAGED--took for FREAKIN' EVER and many little trips back and forth from the car to the pic-nic table to get everything else set up. Afterwards--me and my pooped pup just sat and RELAXED in the peace and quiet of NATURE. WHAT A SENSE of ACCOMPLISHMENT I HAD!!!

And--other people in the campground made so MANY NICE REMARKS about "how courageous I was" to do this BY MYSELF!!! Gosh--this was the FIRST TIME in alomost TEN YEARS to have received such NICE COMPLIMENTS (with NO "hidden adjenda attached").
My arms/leg were pretty painful, I will admit, but SO MUCH BETTER than having to endure constant critism over my effort, my "clumbsiness" the food, what I was wearing etc. What a CHANGE. AND I LIKE IT!!!!!

So, we all need to start ALLOWING OURSELVES a LOT of credit about just how resourceful we REALLY are!

Think about it: In order to SURVIVE an abusive relationship, we have ALL had to be PRETTY DARN RESOURCEFUL in a NEGATIVE SITUATION!!!!

I am slowly learning how to apply that resourcefulness to UNKNOWN and UNFAMILIAR situations in POSITIVE ways. Yep--still have my "down" days, but when I look back, so many memories flood me--and I THANK GOD I got out when I did--BEFORE ex's rage became PHYSICAL against me or my dog. (Do nOT need any more physical problems than i already have... NOR EMOTIONAL).

These "men" who treat us so poorly ARE NOT MEN.
They are Cowards and BULLIES. They can walk away from us in a heartbeat, physically and emotionally, as THEY please, without remorse, and make US feel as though WE are to blame. Well, not one of us is PERFECT, and neither are THEY. They are running away from THEMSELVES, and project all THEIR insecurities, sense of personal failure and inner rage against themselves on US.

You bet I am running away---FROM HIM--and towards a happier, healthier life!!!!ONE STEP AT A TIME.

WE CAN DO IT!!!!

-- posted by brokenwings

» sweetgrass - I started dating my husband eight years ago.

In response to I started dating my husband eight years ago. posted by brokenwings:

Dear Brokenwings,
You make a lot of good points here for me to think about tonight when I go to sleep. Thank you for sharing with us.
You are right when you say that we are resourceful. We have learned to survive and care for someone who is hurting us. Imagine what we can accomplish when we are putting forth such effort in positive directions.
You are also right when you say that these men are cowards and bullies. We sometimes think we cannot live without Mr. Wonderful but they are really not that wonderful when we face reality. Somehow we get so attached and our emotions and thinking becomes strange and dependent.
You are an encouragement to other women here.

-- posted by sweetgrass

» brokenwings - I started dating my husband eight years ago.

In response to I started dating my husband eight years ago. posted by sweetgrass:

Thank you Sweetgrass! Reading everyone's posts here taught me a lot!!!!!! I NEVER thought of myself as an "encouragement" to ANYONE before, so your very kind words are greatly appreciated.

So--here is StepTwo of my Plan: I live alone, and finances are tough. So00-I contacted some Universities that offer Nursing Programs. Turns out that UC does "rural Nursing Preceprorships"--and the Nursing students need temporary housing.

This Tuesday, I will have a Nursing Student live with me for about a month! She will pay a reduced rent in exchange for a little assistance around the house and yard.!!!!!

The Nurse Coordinator tok pix of my house and visited me. I will now be on the "roster" for future Nursing Students.

I am HOPING that this opportunity will lead to a more "full-time" room-mate situation--perhaps a "word of mouth" type of referral. I am not going to limit myself to Nursing Students at the University...

Well, like a said, ONE STEP AT A TIME!!! And with a lot of encouragement from all you lovely ladies, we WILL ALL SUCCEED!!!!

So, thank you ALL!!

-- posted by brokenwings

» brokenwings - P.

P.S. Sweetgrass--you know, these "men" are FAR more dependent on US then we are on THEM, no matter how hard they "spin it".

So, I hope you realize just how much you have DONE for that "man"--I think you are MUCH stronger than you give yourself credit for!!!

I look at it this way: When you have children, you are their Mother, and always will be. It is not like you went to the dog pound, chose a cute puppie, found out it was too much responsibility, and could take it back.

BUT--these "men" ARE DOGS (no offense to our precious canine friends), that some wise ex-girlfriend dumped long ago, before the "dog" showed up on our doorstep, all straggely, unkempt, NEEDY, but my oh my "look how that tail is waggin'"!!!!!! --CALL ANIMAL RESCUE, or "shoo" him AWAY! Let someone else clean, feed, entertain, and pick up the "poop"!! NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to be puttin' up with the man/dog!

Personally, I have had MUCH better luck with REAL stray canines....!! (And now I know why my Mom would say "No, dear, we are NOT keeping it"!)

-- posted by brokenwings

» brokenwings - P.

In response to P. posted by brokenwings:

Oops! Having a problem with the "edit" function, so I will just have to add more thoughts here:

Re Children: The whole goal of raising children successfully is teach them morals, values, ethics, responsibility, etc., all in prepration of them becoming HEALTHY, FUNCTIONING ADULTS, capable of INDEPENDENCE, productivity in society, and more importantly, forming HEALTHY, LOVING RELATIONSHIPS in both work and inter-personal relationships.

Re "man/dogs": They, IMHO, are the "strays" of society, and our "maternal instincts" just seem to "kick in". BUT--they are NOT our CHILDREN.
However, like stray dogs--BEWARE--the "man/dog's" survival skills are UNPREDICTABLE and quite tenacious...

An interesting development in Animal Law--years ago, it used to be that if your dog bit someone for the FIRST TIME, and they sued you, you would NOT be liable for damages, as you did not know that your dog was potentially dangerous. So, legally speaking, the "FIRST BITE IS FREE" used to apply.

Recently--NOT SO. NO "FIRST BITE IS FREE"--you will PAY DEARLY, not only financially, but face CRIMINAL charges as well---and, if the dog has bit more than once, chances are, the Court will order the dog to be "put down".

Now, isn't that INTERESTING??!! Obviously, the Legal system must deal with Domestic Abuse/Violence quite differently than with animals.

The "man/dogs" are humans, so we must deal with them appropriately. Trust me--they will survive JUST FINE on their own. Every time I shoo away a real stray dog, they just keep on goin' down the street, looking for food ELSEWHERE (or Animal Control picks them up and puts them in "doggie jail")...

No more "biting the hand that feeds you"--this is my NEW philosophy!! It has made it MUCH EASIER to get OUT of the "relationship" with my EX...

And Mom--rest your Soul--No, I am NOT keeping him!!!!

-- posted by brokenwings