Abuse

» sweetgrass - P.

In response to P. posted by brokenwings:

Your mom would be proud of you on that one, BWings.
I am proud of you too. Great job in thinking of having nursing students as renters.

-- posted by sweetgrass

» brokenwings - P.

In response to P. posted by sweetgrass:

Good Morning Sweetgrass and Ladies! S.G--thank you again so very much for your support and encouragement!

As Ms. Farriss has said--we ALL have the strength to make these very important changes in our lives towards happiness! The FIRST STEP is the hardest--kind of like when I got my leg cast off--a little "wobbly", but the FREEDOM of having that clunky thing OFF my leg motivated me IMMENSELY.

And, like my crutches--your FRIENDS will SUPPORT YOU and ASSIST YOU--ONE STEP AT A TIME!!!

It Really, really CAN BE DONE!!!!

We just have to FOCUS on the GOAL, no matter how "distant" it "appears"--those little baby steps towards it all start ADDING UP!

-- posted by brokenwings

» brokenwings - P.

In response to P. posted by brokenwings:

Ooops again! just cannot get the hang of the editing(technically challenged).

Well, anyhow, we MUST find the strength to extricate ourselves, physically AND EMOTIONALLY from these guys, who have placed guilt trips and instilled self-doubt into our very beings!

The lack of self-confidence that results is just INCREDIBLE. On my "down"days, I can find fault for every little thing--and the "tapes" in my head just start rolling...maybe if I did this, maybe if I DIDN'T do that.

The CRAZIEST "tape" not too long ago was:

"Geeze, maybe when I fell down the stair-case and knew that I was really hurt, I should have just let him scream and yell and let him get it out of his system--maybe I "jumped the gun" and called 911 too soon--maybe if I had just let him calm down, a bit, and stayed quiet....."

Now--isnt't that just STUPID?????!!!

Our innate survival skills have NOT been erradicated---that is why we are ALL here, questioning, seeking answers!

Now, too me, that is just SMART!

Today, i decided that "Step 3" of my plan is to perform "random acts of kindness" on STRANGERS.

So, here I was, trying to get a little shopping done on crutches, and when I was leaving the parking lot, off to the side on a curb was a very old man, quite thin and frail, on the ground, trying as hard as he could to get up, but to no avail.

Many cars just zoomed on by--NO ONE stopped to help him! So, I decided I do not care how much traffic I block, with shoppers eager to ignore this man's plight, I just stopped the car, turned on the hazards, and got out, crutches and all, and helped that poor man get up. He tried to thank me, but I could only say that it wasn't necessary....

That little "act of random kindness" was the highlight of my day! That man has NO IDEA that HE was the one who helped ME!!! To me, he is a
Guardian Angel", reminding me of the person I USED to be, and who I can become AGAIN.

Hope this makes sense...

-- posted by brokenwings

» sweetgrass - P.

In response to P. posted by brokenwings:

Dear Wings,
I hope all is going well with you. It sounds like you have made some good plans for your own safety and emotional health while you heal from this relationship.
Check in and let us all know how you are doing.
I usually post at the narcissist site since that is the type of man I am with, but I like to check here too and see what ideas the women here have while they are on their journey.

A lot of the women who post are still having a hard time parting emotionally with their abuser even after their break up. It is good to hear how you are so focused on other things in your own life and have your own goals for yourself. Many of us have found it hard to get our lives back and our own sense of identity again. It seems hard to let go of loving the abuser sometimes. So I like to read in different places to get different perspectives. Hope to hear from you soon.

-- posted by sweetgrass

» brokenwings - P.

In response to P. posted by sweetgrass:

Good Morniing SweetGrass! Yes, I do really understand how hard it is to "give up loving" or "stop" loving the men who are abusing us, and parting from them emotionally.

In my own life, I have decided that it is "OK" to
acknowledge that I "loved" the GOOD aspects of my ex's character, but I do NOT "love" or even "like" HIS toxic flaws. And, I am not going to beat myself up emotionally over those toxic aspects...

Mind you, this is "from a distance". And the way I have discovered to CREATE the distance, is by focusing on ME, and MY goals, as small as they may be on a day-to-day basis. Trying to spend more time with emotionally healthy people has helped immensely in regaining my sense of IDENTITY, that somehow got "swallowed up and spit out" by ex, as if I was a piece of tainted meat...

So, I am in the process of "rediscovering myself"!

Also, I just keep reminding myself that people are people--there are some people that I just do not like, and conversely, some people just do not like ME. It is NOT, however, to say that they are "bad" people, or that I am a bad person. We just do not share common interests, values or whatever!

Letting go IS a difficult process, but it is a little easier, day-by-day. Each day, I just say to myself, I will do something for ME, and I will do something for SOMEONE ELSE. This way, the "void" is replaced, piece by piece, and doesn't seem so huge.

And rather than "letting go"--I am finding that ex just has a "different" place and meaning in my heart--but it doesn't mean that he is part of my day-to-day life anymore---there are OTHER, more positive, productive and REWARDING activities out there--

Is my life going to "magically" get better overnite? Nope!! Just have to tackle each day at a time and REDIRECT my energy! ONE STEP AT A TIME!!!

So today, my "goal" is to (1). Do my leg/arm exercises and (2). Have a bar-b-que for the Nursing Student/temporary room-mate when she gets off her shift, put on some happy music, and RELAX!!! She is from India, and I would like to learn more about her culture!!

Should pretty much take care of my day, TODAY!!!!

So, dearest Sweetgrass, and the other Ladies, thanks for all your support and encouragement!!
We REALLY need to take care of EACH OTHER on this "journey"--and we will ALL SURVIVE--and YES--eventually find ourselves again, and HAPPINESS!!

Life is so very short--we need to find something WONDERFUL each and EVERY day on our journey of self-discovery---sometimes those "little moments " are the most precious!!!!

-- posted by brokenwings

» brokenwings - P.

In response to P. posted by brokenwings:

Hi Sweetgrass and other lovely ladies! Well-- oh my gosh--EX showed today, "inquiring" about MY blind dog--with HIS dog--(who obviouslu misses my precious baby)...

"ell, as to THAT, I asked ex " is Yogi making new frineds? He has NO PROBLEM rounding up "strays" and playing with them (Way OVER EXES HEAD..)

Then, ex "proudly "produced" ONE camping essential--a Coleman Latern-- t which I replied-- Oh -how nice, but I already bought a new one--very cool--self-igniting--just push a button and "poof"--But thank you so much--two is even bettter...

THEN he wanted to know if he could have my doggie for a "weekend" at his cabin, as HIS dog, missed MY dog.

So, I just non-emotionally replied--"well, Cody has been to the vet for up-dated shots, nd has noted that he has not had the heart-worm test or med for over one and 1/2 years---..." (TRUE TRUE TRUE!!!) Ijust got him his updated vaccinations and dodggie license [which PROVES that I AM my blind doggies legal owner...!] Ex looked BSOLUTELY STUNNED, that I got MY doggie taken care of... But then, he says, "He looks like he GAINED weight"... so i say--"Yes--that is why he is on a DIET...

so THEN, ex sys, :"well, can I take Cody over-nite and he can play with Yogi (His dog)).

to which I reply--that is not necessary--I have guests coming over for a bar=b=que tonite, and I am sure, given that my leg is not totally healed, that they would be happy to take Cody for a walk". everybody loves cODY (true true true, AND true AVBOUT THE B-BbQ)..
Then, I produce several bags of his clothing, stating "well--I found everyting I could, I washed and dried them, they should be clean"--can never have enopugh clean undies and t-shirts!!!

Geeze--THEN he puts his sun-glasses on again, and tries to pretend that he is "tearing up"--
he mentions AGAIN that he would like to take my doggie overnite to HIS cabin, promising that he will "return him"...

So, Ijust say--" Well, you know Cody is blind, and is a handful--like ME--thought I was doing you a favor"..."Me and Cody are getting along JUST FINE, but thank you fot your concern--it really is not necessary"

BLANK STARE--IMMOBILIZED!!

Well, me and Cody ARE doing JUST FINE, AND--I am loking forward to my b-bque!!

Oh yeah--I forgot to say that While I was in the hospital for TEN DAYS with a broken hil, knee and ankle (Not a Word form"lover bvoy)--he was at MY HOUSE DOING HIS LAUNDRY ( he slipped when I gave him his bags of clothing and I told him that I found the doggie-bed covers, and ran them thru the wash--he said-"oh, I must have forgotten them when I was doing laundry during your broken leg deal".

GEESE LOUISE--WHATNERVE!!!!!!

BYE BYE-, ex, AND I AIN'T 'LOOKIN'Back""!!!!

-- posted by brokenwings

» sweetgrass - P.

In response to P. posted by brokenwings:

Dear Wings,
That is really good advice that the way to create distance is to focus on myself and my goals. I have actually been trying to do that. Most of the time, I am so focused on him that I feel like I have no identity and am on call for him. So I have begun to focus on some of my own interests and it does help to make me stronger and less vulnerable. Also, doing something for someone else is important. It is amazing how isolated we become and we are only doing for that one person.
You have some really helpful and practical ideas as to how to make a new way of life and I appreciate that.

-- posted by sweetgrass

» sweetgrass - P.

In response to P. posted by brokenwings:

Seems like you handled the situation well. I am glad that it went smoothly and that there was no upset over your dog.
You sound like you have a warm heart and I can see why he needs you. But you need people in your life that can add something good to your life instead of hurting you. I am proud of the steps you have taken.

-- posted by sweetgrass

» brokenwings - P.

In response to P. posted by sweetgrass:

Good Morning Seetgrass!! Thank you very much for your kind words!!!

I am glad that you are doing things for YOU--it sounds like bellydancing is a lot of fun!!! Bet everyone in the class just admires you so much!!

Yes--we can get VERY isolated taking care of and "bending ourselves like a pretzel" just to take care of and PLEASE our "men". We give, they TAKE, TAKE TAKE---our heart, or soul our spirit.

But fortunately, I have learned a LOT on this Forum, and have received so much encouragement from you, SG and the other lovely ladies!! Makes the whole process so much easier to know that I AM NOT ALONE!!!!

Like I tried to say, I think it is important to keep creating the distance by focusing on OURSELVES, OTHER activities, and the OTHER people in our life who appreciate us. Even strangers, who may need a door held open, assistance crossing the street, etc--"acts of random kindness"--I am finding that it helps my heart heal and makes me feel good about myself again!

Now, I DO think that EX is "testing" me---I have NOT called HIM at ALL since I got my doggie back.
Rather than returning ALL my camping gear, or ALL my clothing, etc., it looks like he intends to do it, ONE ITEM AT A TIME. Quite frankly--I do NOT NEED any of it back!! I WANT HIM TO DONATE IT TO THE WOMEN'S CRISIS CENTER. (I know, fat chance...) BUT I AM GOING TO TELL HIM ANYHOW!!!!

Well, I think maybe "poor little ex" is finding that he DOES need me--just doesn't have the GUTS to be a MAN and talk about that HORRIBLE night when he left me on the staircase, and NEVER CALLED OR VISITED ME IN THE HOSPITAL--oh yeah, that's right---he was too busy trespassing at MY house, doing HIS laundry--silly me!!!!That really takes "brass balls"....

He is SO BUSTED!!!! It was really kind of fun yesterday, being able to respond to him so calmly, so non-emotionally. He was QUITE taken aback. Rather enjoyable, as a matter of fact.
It was pathetic to see him "struggle". And, although EX is a quite handsome man (until you get to know him), when I looked at his face, all I could see was his face when he gets so angry--all contorted, purple with rage, blood vessels ready to burst--NOT human--more of a MONSTER.

So, that image ALONE was enough incentive to stay calm---and NOT take the "bait"...

Yes--I AM so proud of myself!!! And THANK YOU Sweetgrass, for your encouragement!! It means SO MUCH to me! I pray everynight that you too will find the strength to leave your "man"--the FIRST step IS the scariest, but the PEACE, RELIEF and effort to do it is so well worth it!!!

Once you get untangled from the "web"--you then realize just HOW VERY RESTRICTIVE that web was!!And what a slow, tortuous death--like the spider eating the fly....

Now I just think about the whole experience in a "different" light--from the caccoon will slowly emerge a beautiful butterfly, exercising her wings and then she will fly free and strong!!!!

Keep the faith, Sweetgrass--your time will come!
I can see your strength developing with every post--you are slowly exercising your wings--and you will be the MOST GLORIOUS belly-dancing butterfly!!!!!

Get ready for take-off, Sweetgrass!!!!Soon, the sky will be graced with a new, beautiful butterfly!!

-- posted by brokenwings

» brokenwings - P.

In response to P. posted by brokenwings:

Hi Again Sweetgrass and All! Just started reading posts on the Narc site---WOW, some of these guys are DANGEROUS--not an "expert", but in addtion to Narcissism, kind of fits the criteria for anti-social personality disorder. Oh my, how very scarey for some of these ladies..I will add them all to my prayers tonite and ask God to protect them.

The posts re "REVENGE" were interesting. I do agree that revenge is more poisonous to the one who "administers" it.

It reminded me of something my dear Gramma used to say--"We, as mere human beings, can TRY to exact revenge against those who have wronged us, but if you leave it to The Lord, He will exact His vengeance 7-fold...in ways that we mere mortals could NEVER achieve"

How very true!!!Some people call it "kharma". I have seen it happen, everytime someone has wronged me and others--when they give it to The Lord to handle!!!!

So, again, I am utilizing that wonderful saying "SUCCESS is the BEST revenge"!!
I am striving to successfully accomplish my goals, and even though they are "small" ones, they are huge victories for me!!

Iam learning how to get tasks accomplished, IN SPITE of my bum leg and funky hands, and I will NOT accept "help" from ANYONE if there is a "hook" attached"!!

Very interesting thing happened today--just before I fell down the staircase, EX informed me that there was a broken water-control thingy in my downstairs toilet, so he said he "backed off" the water valve where it runs through the wall.

He said he could "fix it", but it would be "expensive and a long job"...

After I broke my leg, I had to sleep downstairs in the livingroom on the sofabed, and use a bed-side commode, so I totally forgot about the toilet problem until recently--when I could use it again. The water would NOT stop running, and was leaking.

A friend came over this a.m.--Well now, let's see--it took a GRAND TOTAL of 15 MINUTES and $14.95 for a part. Chuck believes that EX "sabbatogued" it!! Actually kind of makes sense, come to think of it..as on the RARE occassion that something simple needed to be fixed at MY house, EX would make a BIG DEAL out of it, and then, in his rage-mode, scream at me "I AM NOT YOUR F*****G SLAVE"!!! Of course, on the RARE occassion that he ACTUALLY would assist, it would take him FOREVER--a gazzillion trips back and forth to the hardware store, comments ALL DAY LONG about "GEEZE HON, YOUR HOUSE IS SUCH A HASSLE", etc. etc. etc...and it was NOT fixed--just left undone...

So, I just kept my mouth shut, and had neighbors or friends give me a hand. If EX found out, then it would be "Why didn't you as ME to help you?"

All part of his little "game"...I see this now in retrospect!

Yesterday, when he showed up unannounced about my dog, he noticed that part of the gate was a little wobbly--I just calmy said--"Yeah--not important--gate still works just fine". (Actually, it just needs two, long screws, a "simple project"--but if EX were to attempt it---not even goin' there!!!) ANd the MOST amazing part of all this, is that EX used to be the maintenance guy for his family's MANY apt. units in SO.Cal!!!!!! Ahh yes, love IS blind!!!!!!

Well, LIVE AND LEARN!!! This Forum is absolutely AMAZING--all the stories, insight and guidance is so very EDUCATIONAL and CRITICAL in allowing us to take the steps we need to towards self-reliance, growth, and a happier, HEALTHY life!!!

Wish I had found it a LONG time ago!

Today, I actually feel PROUD of myself, what I have accomplished so far, who I am, and all my little goals and dreams!!!!

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!!! Still have a ways to go, but I am DETERMINED to get there!!!! One step at a time!

And Sweetgrass--as soon as by leg gets better, I am going to find a belly-dancing class!!!

-- posted by brokenwings