Abuse

» 2confused - Am I abused

I am very confused. I don't know if my situation can be classified as abusive. I am 25 and will be celebrating my 2nd wedding anniversary in 2 weeks. My husband has put his hands on me in the past, but it has been a year since that has happen. He is a great guy with a nasty violen streak, and can get very angry at times. When he's angry he scares me. When we argue, he is usually so close to me that our noses touch. He gets really loud, and can be very destructive. He's punched holes in the walls, broken things that belong o me, and just last week he punched and shattered the windshield. Some of his favorite things to cal me are, "mental case", "retarted bitch", a "walking excuse and or fuck up", "dummy", and "ass hole"...to name a few. I am 3 months pregnant, and don't know what to do. I don't want to abort my baby, but I am so afraid that his behavior will not change. He doesn't think he has a problem, and says that I am the reason behid his anger. He says anger is a reactionary emotion, and that he is only reacting to me. He said that if he had an anger problem, it would affect ALL aspects of his life...work and friends. He says I am the only one who sees that side of him, because I bring out the worse in him. I don't know what to . I don't work, at his request, so I have no money, and nowhere to go if I do leave. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and I am concerned with how all this is affecting her. I am so confused. He says that if I would just open up tp him that he wouldn't be so angry all the time. I can admit that is very had for me to totally open up emotionally to him. I am an introvert, I keep a lot of things in. I told him about my battle with bi-polar when we first met, three years ago, and since then, I've been called a "mental case", been told that I "need help", that I would "never be able to raise my daughter with the mindframe" that I am in, and on several occasions to "go take a pill". I know I am partly to blame for the trouble in my marriage, but am I crazy to think that I am being abused in some form? Is it crazy for me to think that his behavior will some day change? Should I just leave, and if so ... how??

Please help

-- posted by 2confused

» DiBender68 - Am I abused

In response to Am I abused posted by 2confused:

Honey I have been there too. I was the major excuse in the book for every thing that went wrong. Those names sound really familiar with me. No one is perfect. The first step is realizing that you are not the whole problem. Do you have someone that can help you with the money issue? Are you working right now? Start sending money to someone you trust. I had no money either and no where to go. He would demand my whole paycheck so I had no way to save anything. I had to stay at my parents for a while then he swore he would change. It was good for a while then back to the same routine.
I used to keep bottled up inside too. He would never listen to what I had to say.. It wasn't about him so he didn't care.
Opening up the communication would maybe help. I would write my ex notes and try to tell him how i felt, but I was always whining to him.

If you can get into counseling, I know it's not easy. You are not crazy for thinking that there is abuse going on. I was blind to it for far too long. I was in the relationship for 12 years and i have a lot of scars, but I am better now. It's a long healing process if you stick in too long. And hun he won't change until he admits he has a problem. My ex still thinks there is nothing wrong with him. He has no friends, the kids want to live with me, they are tired of it. And yes this will mess up your other child, mentally and emotionally. my kids are kept in the house all the time and are constantly grounded.

Get into counselling, see if you can stay with a best friend or family memeber. If they truly support you they will help.

You don't deserve to be degrated and put down, or feel threatened. He gets violent, call police, document every thing.
I am proof you can get through this.

{{{{{{{{{{{{2confused)))))))))))))))) Hugs

-- posted by DiBender68

» jfarris - Am I abused

In response to Am I abused posted by DiBender68:

Di that is a warm and caring post and I appreciate your willingness to be there for others who are walking in your shoes. I think that this is key to making sure that more of us survive.

-- posted by jfarris

» brokenwings - Am I abused

In response to Am I abused posted by jfarris:

I have been with a man for the past ten years. We both own our seperate homes and alternate where we spend the time. This was mutual agreement, as we both do not want to get married, have kids, etc. (52yo and 48 yo.)

Three and a half years ago, I was injured at work, which required three surgeries and numerous doctor appointments and procedures. Overall, my b-friend was very supportive However, on occasion, he would just "blow-up"--screaming cursing, etc. I chalked this off to his frustration over my situation--disabled, poor use of my hands, etc., which he couldn't "fix".

Recently, I broke my leg while trying to restrain my dog, who is blind, from jumping out of the back of b-friend's truck. Was in a wheelchair for two months...and staying at b-friend's house as I could not be alone at my house, or negotiate the staircase. In spite of trying to cook, do the laundry, light house-keeping, etc., I could see the "frustration" mounting--so we did a "trial run" back at my house even though I was on crutches.

I ordered a delivered dinner, he brought it upstairs to watch TV, etc. I got UP the stairs ok, but later, when I needed to go downstairs to get something, the crutch slipped, and I fell down the entire staircase. All I heard was screaming and yelling "F---you--I'm not taking you to the F--in emergency room" etc, etc. for several minutes. He NEVER once came out of the bedroom to see what had happened.

I was on the livingroom floor, surrounded by broken glass, bleeding, and my leg twisted at a funny angle. The pain was excrutiating. I managed to get a crutch and hop about 30 feet to the telephone and called 911 for an ambulance.

As the paramedics arrived, b-friend was out the door. While in the ambulance, I was asked several times if he hurt me. I answered truthfully "No".

I was in the hospital for 10 days with a broken hip, refractured knee and broken ankle. Not a phone call from b-friend. Nor did I call him. I did contact him the day I was released, asking him if he could please drop off my clothing, etc. at my house. Which he did. Sort of. Just the basics. An aquaintance actually picked me up from the hospital, took me home and got me settled downstairs on a sleeper-sofa.

Now, hb-friend still has many of personal belongings, and my garage is filled with his things.

But, more importantly, he has my precious dog, who is older now and totally blind. B-friend had "taken care" of him for the past three years when I was having all my surgeries, unable to drive, etc. I have only contacted b-friend 4 times since May 1 in order to see my dog for just 5 minutes. But, he refuses to return my limited phone calls. Actually, now I just want my dog BACK, so that he can be cared for properly. (B-friend evidently doesn't believe in the leash-law (dog ws hit by a car) or keeping shots and dog license current--the dog is MINE, but b-friend kept him at his house due to my previous hand problems). I have since gotten my back-yard fully enclosed, a hands-free leash, other adaptive devices, etc. that will enable me to fully care for my "baby" without putting me at risk of futher injury.

My other concern about my dog is that if he gets sick, developes a chronic illness, that he too, will be "dealt with" in a similar manner as I, i.e.no medical care, abandonment, and I will NEVER see him again or be able to help him.

I am new at this "discussing personal things" on a forum such as this, so I hope you all can understand what I am trying to communicate...obviously, there is much more to the story, but I am a little hesitant to go into further detail at this moment. Your understanding is appreciated.

Your responses, insight and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

-- posted by brokenwings

» Ladybirdie - All over the world!

I was reading some of the posts and realised that the problem of verbal abuse is prevalent all over the world, no matter where you are from, just that its not talked about!
I'm so glad to find this site where I know that somebody is going to understand. I've been married for 5.5 yrs, have a toddler and had known my husband for 2 yrs before we got married. I have been through most of what is listed and know very well that Im emotionally abused. Im educated with a Bachelors in Engineering, work in a very renowned company, can fend for myself and YET, I get treated like a doormat when Im at home. My managers have always appreciated me for my extreme patience, hard work, politeness, intelligence and confidence. Little do they know what I'm dealing with at home. Im criticised for the clothes I wear, how incapable I am, how I dont complete my tasks, how I cant do anything right, how I dont care for my husband, etc etc etc. But having said all this, what in the world can I do. I stay in a country where separation and divorce is not an option. well it is, but I know my life will be worse if I were to get divorced. I feel so trapped right now, Im not sure I know the meaning of life anymore. If there is any reason I have continued with this relationship, its for the sake my daughter. Im writing this, maybe because Im not looking for answers, Im writing simply because I want to be heard.

-- posted by Ladybirdie

» brokenwings - All over the world!

In response to All over the world! posted by Ladybirdie:

Good Morning All. My concerns and questions about verbal abuse is this: Does the verbal abuse usually just stay confined to the screaming and yelling, demeaning remarks, etc., or does it eventually escalate to actual PHYSICAL violence??

Ladybirdie--I understand your scenario completely--you desrcibed many things that are so similar to the way I was treated. However, I am now totally disabled, older and "damaged goods" in the eyes of society, with no hope of ever getting my life back on track. In spite of this, I am managing ON MY OWN WITH NO HELP FROM ANYONE, and on a very limited monthly income. I was/am isolated from my friends and family.

You have a toddler. Based on what I am learning about domestic abuse, this is not a good situation for her to be in. Eventually, she may end up being the "whipping post" as well. And when she grows up, she will more than likely find herself in YOUR situation, and it may not be just verbal abuse hurled her way from b-friends or husband...

AS other posters have advised--unless your husband recognises and admits that he has a problem, his behavior will not change.
Please consider that because of your education, intelligence, a great job and respect that you receive from your superiors, that you are in a much better position to get out of your marriage than most! You have far more options than you may realise at this moment in time!!!

-- posted by brokenwings

» puppet65 - Experiencing psychological ping pong

In response to Experiencing psychological ping pong posted by Silkenfire:

I have never talked about my life to anyone other than very close family. And I've never responded to anything online. However your story hit home. I have been with my husband for fourteen years and I too long for the "good" side of him. Please bear with me in reading this as my thoughts are still very jumbled.I am 41, have a great job, my boys are all grown, and yet my life is filled with lonliness,depression and yes occasional suicidal thoughts. I have no hobbies, no interests, no real friends, he has taken everything away from me. My only thoughts are being with him and pleasing him. It all started 14 years ago, I had just left my previous husband. I had known D for a few years prior to us dating and he seemed to be a great guy. When we were first dating he treated me so good always kind and considerate. After a few months we moved in together, that's when the trouble started. He started eliminating my friends one by one, and to please him I let it all happen. He was always accusing me of cheating, he insulted me and put me down in front of family and friends, about anything my cooking my cleaning the way I raised my kids, my clothes, my hair you name it he put me down for it. He tried for many years to keep me from working. I've had to deal with horrible and sometimes violent burst of anger over something as simple as the mailman saying hello. I have gone days and weeks without him so much as saying hello to me. I caught him once punching the dog in the head because he was mad at me. I have learned over the years the only thing I can do to calm him is to give into his crazy sexual desires. Life goes back to normal until the next unexpected outburst. I have known for sometime that something was wrong, but could never put my finger on it.I do not consider myself an idiot, but I was actually thinking that it was me, maybe I was crazy,maybe it is my fault that he acts this way. What am I doing wrong? What is going on? How can I make things better? That is until I found this site. You will never know how you gave my sanity back to me. My husband moved out 5 months ago, and I thought I would finally have a chance at happiness, but the lonliness in my life has kept me with him still. I miss the "good" guy he can be,but I can only hope one day I will find reason to break away.

-- posted by puppet65

» sassarific - Am I abused

In response to Am I abused posted by 2confused:

On the way home from a company picnic last weekend my husband screams at me in front our two year old little girl "you are a natural born bit**" "you are such a fuc**** bit**" "shut your fuc* hole". Nice huh? I really liked the last one. He said that he acted this way because I wouldn't open up too him and tell him what is bothering me. Oh yeah, he also said he wants a divorce (I've heard that 1000 times) and that he will take my daughter away from me and that I will never raise her, and I better get ready for a fight. I used to let threats like that bother me, this time I looked at him and said "Big Whoop!" He thinks he's so powerful, but he is really just a spineless coward that has to pick on people physically smaller than him. He's blamed his past behavior on the failure of his business. For my daughter's sake, I am giving him a chance. He has a new job that pays well, he's liquidating the business (actually he is giving me all of the inventory to auction off on ebay - and the proceeds go into my account that he doesn't have access too). We are buying a house that will be in my name since his credit is destroyed. I was very careful to find the right house that comes with plenty of equity already in it, should we end up divorced I will at least walk away with something or will be able to dump it quick if he stops paying the mortgage. He has been totally sucking up to me until this past weekend, the shift in his personality took place, and I knew it would eventually, I knew he couldn't keep up the sweet, humble, baby I'm sorry act. He rages at me over stupid things like leaving the bath mat in the bathroom floor. The bottom line is I just really think he is a total idiot and doesn't deserve the wife and daughter that he has. I think back to my life before him and I feel so sad, there was a time I didn't have this never ending soap opera going on in my life. I cannot change him or his behavior so I decided to change myself. Since his supposed goal is to control me and hurt my self esteem, I will counteract that by going to Al Anon for support, talking on this site for support, focussing on making as much money as I can possibly make (fear of high attorney fees that I can't pay is another reason for not divorcing him right now, I am going to lose weight and get in the best shape of my life. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I usually argue with him, and I think he likes it, so I am not going to engage with him anymore. I found a place online to buy spy equipment so that I can accurately document his tirades by recording him and or videoing him without him knowing it. When I went to see an attorney, he said "What kind of evidence do you have?" I had none. Next time, I will have plenty of money and plenty of evidence, and he will not be able to blame the loss of his business for his babified spoiled brat tantrums. I am most concerned about my little girl, I don't want her to grow up without her daddy but I don't want her to grow up around alcoholism and abuse either. When I open up to my husband, I do not get love and support, whatever I share with him he uses against me in some way to make me feel bad, eventually. He will always throw it up in my face. Another thing he loves to do is give me money for Alex and then throughs that up in my face too. He loves to rub it in, he'll say sarcastic things like "How much money do you need today?" He loves his imagined power over me, he's such an idiot. I see right through him, I just don't have it all together enough to leave him, ------ YET. My plan is this: he will not know how much money I make (I have a business so I can always tell him my sales are down), my credit will get established by the upcoming mortgage payments, I will gather evidence, I will learn to love myself by going to Al Anon and working out, I will seek professional guidance concerning my little girl, and when I get ready I will absolutely leave him. My goal is to make myself strong enough by taking the right actions today. It's easy to say all of this stuff but it is so so so hard to do. I have never been so snagged by a relationship as I am this one. He makes crappy comments to me too. He called tonight and said what are you doing, I said "eating a salad", sarcastically he said "EATING A SALAD, OINK, OINK." It totally hurt my feelings, I'm not even fat really I'm 5'6 and weigh 130lbs, I just want to get in better shape. He knows that's a sensitive spot for me and just had to make that remark. When he said that I felt like he thinks I'm fat and he's making fun of me. He has the foulest mouth too, he lets the GD's fly constantly. He has no respect for me or for my little girl.

My advice:

DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIES HE TELLS YOU OR IMPLIES ABOUT YOU TO YOU

DO NOT LET HIM CONTROL YOUR MONEY; SELL STUFF ON EBAY, DONT GET CAUGHT, HIDE YOUR MONEY - that's a total control tactic on his part, not wanting you to work.

DONT LET HIM MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY MORE, SHAKE IT OFF, WRITE Positive AFFIRMATIONS IN A JOURNAL - 20 a day " I (your name) love and approve of myself"

START DOCUMENTING HIS BEHAVIOR BY WRITING IT DOWN WITH DATES, RECORD HIS DISRESPECTFUL REMARKS IF YOU CAN, GET EVIDENCE - JUST IN CASE. Dont get caught.

Set your own personal goals, if your not strong enough to leave or don't know what to do right now, focus on yourself, start a business from home, regain control of your finances, don't let him know. Outsmart him. Educate yourself. Workout as much as your pregnancy will allow. As much as he tries to tear you down, build yourself up that much more.

Don't tell him everything. Anything you share with him he will use it against you. This is totally not your fault. This is his problem and he has to take responsibilty for it, and you have to take responsibilty for you. Don't believe what he says, how do you know it doesn't effect the rest of his life? My husband painted the nicest picture of himself but what I eventually realized is that most of his associates have his number, he doesn't have anyone fooled.

-- posted by sassarific

» Freeatlast72 - verbal abuse

I was in a marriage that was verbally and emotionally abusive for 13 years. I thought of leaving 3 years ago and I finally did it on feb22/05. It has been hard and a little rocky but I feel like this weight has been off my shoulders. We are going through a divorce and it is getting nasty, but as usual he thinks I don't deserve anything because I am a nothing. I have a new boyfriend that treats me like gold and I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster because being with him was a 360 of what I was with. I am happier than I have been in years and it feels great!!!!! My kids and I still have our ups and downs because my exes mind game for the last few months is not to pay child support. I do want to know if I can charge him with this type of abuse. I am clinically depressed because of the abuse but my doctor is great and we are working through my problems. My boyfriend tells me i'm beautiful everyday and one of these days I will believe him because I know what my ex said to me isn't true now!!! so everyone out there get out while you still can because grass IS so much greener on the other side especially when you are getting abused

-- posted by Freeatlast72

» sassarific - scared

Rational or Irrational, these are my fears... I'm afraid he'll take my little girl. I'm afraid to stay, afraid to leave. I am very very angry. I'm afraid he will hit me, I am afraid he will hurt me, fly off the handle and kill me. If I leave Im afraid he will stop paying on the loan I cosigned and then destroy my credit. I'm afraid he will kidnap my daughter. I'm afraid he will hurt me. I'm afraid he will convince the court of some crazy lie and I will lose custody of her, she is only two. He threatens to take her away from me, he says I'll only have supervised visits. I haven't even done anything, he is the lose cannon of the two of us. He turns everything around on me. I am totally emotionally drained and zapped because of all of this.

-- posted by sassarific