Abuse

» confused64 - Why did it take me so long?

Somedays, I feel so stupid. I can't believe that I didn't see what was going on for the last 20+ years. I've done quite a bit of reading on ambient abuse and realize that that is exactly what has been going on. The control, subtle comments (that by themselves didn't seem like much, but when you look at all of them, WOW), the rage, the drinking, the affair.

I really started wondering 4 years ago, what was going on. However, if I am honest with myself (and those here), I didn't want to know. One night, a couple years ago, I went and got a perm in my hair. I thought I look great, and felt really good about myself. When I got home, all H*** broke loose. He claimed that I hadn't told him that I was going to have this done, even though he stood right there while I made the appointment. He couldn't understand why I did it, as he liked my hair the way it was. He blew out of the house and went to his favorite hangout, the bar. He woke me up when he came home later (after midnight) to further discuss why I had done that to my hair. When I couldn't give him the answer that he wanted, (I don't know what it could have been) he finally slammed out of the bedroom. I guess that was when I finally acknowledged that something was wrong.

It wasn't long after that, that I found out about the affair he had been having with one of my friends no less. I guess maybe I could have forgiven him, if he had sincerely wanted forgiveness and had genuinely owned up to the affair. Of course, it was all my fault, I drove him to it. I had changed in the last 5 years, and didn't listen to him anymore. He of course hadn't changed, he was the same as he was in High School, and I should have known what he was like when we got married. I've always wondered, how can someone not change in 20 years? Don't we all change as we get older?

I have recently filed for divorce. Unfortunately, I have had to live in the same house with him, until I was released from the mortgage. The verbal/emotional abuse has continued, and luckily for me, my teen-kids have seen it. They have seen more than any kids should have at their ages.(16,14) I should be hearing about an apartment today, so I can get out!

I love this board, and would love to hear other stories. It helps me so much to know that I am not alone!

confused64

-- posted by confused64

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» Basil44 - Why did it take me so long?

Hi, I am Basil44 and thought I would tell you about my situation. Like yourself, I did not see what was going to happen when I got married. My dad was guilty of emotional abuse and neglect for more than 30 years. I knew it had affected me but untill I got married, I didnt know how much.

When I met my hubby (to be) he was living away with the forces so for 20 months before we got married, we had a distance relationship. I was over the moon, on cloud 9 that I had actually met Mr Right. Everything was wonderful, even though he lived a few hundred miles away! The odd thing was that although I wanted to see him when he came home on leave, I never missed him. I should have seen this and that fact that I was happy with a long distance relationship, as a warning but I didnt.

We got married after 20 months and went on honeymoon to the Caribbean. We came back to our army quarter in September that year. We had only been living together for a week when I began seeing a change in myself. I was getting really angry and irritated with hubby, wound up, and finding fault all the time. Even with things that were irrelevant. I would be in a rage over nothing! I thought I was cracking up.

Then he went away with the forces for 6 months and I did not miss him then, either. Yes, I wrote letters to him every day and it was great when he rang me up a couple of times a week. But I didnt miss him. What with me not missing him and being so angry when he was with me, I started talking to myself, telling myself not to be so stupid and to forget about the irritation etc, just let it go. I could manage to let go for a few hours but then the anger always returned. Has done for 14 years!!!

But now I have my answer!! My dad was guilty of emotional abuse and, although I had had quite a few boyfriends before I got married, none of them were serious. I never lived with any of them. So I never had a deep enough experience with a man that would throw light on what was going to happen if and when I got married.

But now I know the huge impact of dads abuse. Because all this anger and irritation of mine towards hubby has been a coping mechanism! It has kept a distance between me and hubby, Just like there was before we got married!!! I am just so scared to get truly close to any man. Or another way to describe my behaviour would be to say that I am (emotionally) rejecting hubby before he rejects me, the way my dad did!!

So I am in a position now where things changed dramatically soon after I got married. We have been married for 14 years and I only saw all this in the last 6 months or so!! I was quite shocked when I finally admitted the truth to myself.

What will happen next you may be wondering? Well, I dont want to be close to any man as long as I live! This is particularily tough on my husband - I have told him all about this. It is far from easy, especially as we have got twins, a boy and a girl, aged 12 years!!! We are just living from day to day really.

I think about this every day and ask my dad (in my head) why? why? why? I am 49 years old now and he will be 81 on Monday. I tried talking to him a year ago but got nowhere as a result.

So I too have suffered emotional abuse and been neglected and rejected too. And it has had a huge impact on my life and marriage.

Our stories may be different but you are not alone.

Best Wishes
Basil44

-- posted by Basil44

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» jfarris - Why did it take me so long?

In response to Why did it take me so long? posted by confused64:

Thank you for sharing your story. This is why we are all here to reassure each other that we are indded not alone. Your story has the seeds to many others here on the board and out in the world. Don't beat yourself up for not realizing or knowing. Not seeing is a way in which you protected yourself and your children. Look at it as a developed skill instead of ignorance. You have learned to survive. Be proud of yourself.

-- posted by jfarris

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» confused64 - Why did it take me so long?

In response to Why did it take me so long? posted by jfarris:

Thank you for your kind words. I have been posting on the NPD board, and have found many friends there. I'm not sure if N is involved, but seems like many traits are present. I do know that the verbal/emotional abuse has taken its toll. The scars that I will carry with me are deep. I can only hope that A. my kids are not as affected, and B. it doesn't hinder a future relationship. I miss the idea of companionship and intimacy. I don't know if I've ever really experienced it with a man. I have been under my husband's control for so many years, I don't know much anymore. But, I'm learning.

Thanks for the help
confused64

-- posted by confused64

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» Basil44 - Why did it take me so long?

Hi again, Many thanks for your posts. Yes, not seeing what is happening and why it is happening, is a way of protecting myself and the kids. I had not thought of it as a developed skill instead of ignorance. Its a very good point. Yes I learned to survive. I am still here.

I am sorry to read of your troubles and the abuse you suffered at the hands of your husband. Life is far from easy at times. Come to think of it, my mum should have seen, like you did after the issue re perming your hair, that something was wrong. My mum had plenty of opportunitys/reasons to ask for a divorce from my dad but she never did. The trouble is with mum that she is a Christian Scientist and would never see my "dad" as being bad, abusive, evil, nasty, wrong etc etc. She would look "past" that and see him as "perfect". But he treated her awful over the years, infact she was abused like me. Only she never saw it and allowed him to continue hurting and rejecting me. So she is partly guilty, in a round about way. I only saw this recently too and this also came as a big shock. If she were to protect me from my dad, she would have had to have given up the church and that was impossible to her, so she put the church before me!!! Neither my dad, or my mum, considered the impact that there behaviour would have on me! At 49 years old I am really shocked!!

I must admit that this eats at me every day of my life. Even before I understood my behaviour and what the result of it was, I knew that there was something wrong inside me. I knew before I even met hubby. I was always questioning "dads" behaviour in my head, trying to make sense of it. Now I am crystal clear about it all. This man that lived at home may have been my biological dad but he was never a father to me - I never had a father as such. So I never had a true, happy, loving, close, caring relationship with a man. No wonder I dont want to be married any more. Hubby says he loves me and that he is not my dad, but as you know, those words will not bring that barrier down. If only it were that simple......Hubby could tell me every 5 minutes of the day, every day, that he loved me but it still wouldnt make any difference. That barrier is not going to come down and to be truthful, I am not sure that I want it to come down. The thought of it frightens me to death! I am safer where I am.

I too, hope that your experience doesnt spoil any future relationships for you. When I look back and think to how much I wanted a husband and how it all changed as soon as we moved in together, I can hardly believe it. Had I known this was going to happen, I would not be married now.

I hope that you get to move into your appartment soon. I dont have much chance of anything like that. I have no money and no-where to go. We cant afford for hubby to move out either so I am just living in a sort of a limbo. All he says is "just be here!". He knows I am not sure how long I can stay in a marriage like this and its not fair on him either. But he feels stuck too. The only thing is that we are not arguing and falling out all the time and we "get on" on the surface.

I will leave it there.
Take Care
Basil44

-- posted by Basil44

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