Abuse

» confused64 - Why did it take me so long?

Somedays, I feel so stupid. I can't believe that I didn't see what was going on for the last 20+ years. I've done quite a bit of reading on ambient abuse and realize that that is exactly what has been going on. The control, subtle comments (that by themselves didn't seem like much, but when you look at all of them, WOW), the rage, the drinking, the affair.

I really started wondering 4 years ago, what was going on. However, if I am honest with myself (and those here), I didn't want to know. One night, a couple years ago, I went and got a perm in my hair. I thought I look great, and felt really good about myself. When I got home, all H*** broke loose. He claimed that I hadn't told him that I was going to have this done, even though he stood right there while I made the appointment. He couldn't understand why I did it, as he liked my hair the way it was. He blew out of the house and went to his favorite hangout, the bar. He woke me up when he came home later (after midnight) to further discuss why I had done that to my hair. When I couldn't give him the answer that he wanted, (I don't know what it could have been) he finally slammed out of the bedroom. I guess that was when I finally acknowledged that something was wrong.

It wasn't long after that, that I found out about the affair he had been having with one of my friends no less. I guess maybe I could have forgiven him, if he had sincerely wanted forgiveness and had genuinely owned up to the affair. Of course, it was all my fault, I drove him to it. I had changed in the last 5 years, and didn't listen to him anymore. He of course hadn't changed, he was the same as he was in High School, and I should have known what he was like when we got married. I've always wondered, how can someone not change in 20 years? Don't we all change as we get older?

I have recently filed for divorce. Unfortunately, I have had to live in the same house with him, until I was released from the mortgage. The verbal/emotional abuse has continued, and luckily for me, my teen-kids have seen it. They have seen more than any kids should have at their ages.(16,14) I should be hearing about an apartment today, so I can get out!

I love this board, and would love to hear other stories. It helps me so much to know that I am not alone!

confused64

-- posted by confused64