Abuse

» sienna1942 - My son is a narcissist

In response to My son is a narcissist posted by settler:
To Settler: Thank you so much for your very kind letter.
I am so sorry you had to make this momentous decision, but I learned, as you now have, that a person cannot speak to or deal with a narcissist in the usual way. They feel they are above the rest of humanity. They have no empathy. In fact, a very smart person once said that evil is the absence of empathy. Love blinds, but thank goodness that most of us use our common sense, eventually, before it is too late and get out when we can. It hurts, I know it does, but it really, ultimately, is forcecd upon us by the behaviour of the narcissist themselves.
All the very best to you always, Sienna1942

-- posted by sienna1942

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» carson5493 - My son is a narcissist

In response to My son is a narcissist posted by sienna1942:

For the past 9 months our family's lives have been upheaveled.(sp?) My 19 year old daughter has decided she couldn't live with the expectations I had in this house. i.e. Reasonable curfew, keep a job, pay for your car in return for free home, food, clothing etc. She wanted to be with controlling, manipulative (year her jr) boyfriend 24/7. (If there were more hrs. in the day they'd have been together then too.) During this time she was put on probation at comm. college and failed to follow their rules, then failed all her classes. She quit making car payments, moved out to live with H.S. friend to whom she totally portrayed herself as the victim. (Poor her, she was expected to follow same "rules" her older & younger siblings did, thank God up till today they're fine.) So for 9 months I have had next to NO contact with her. I love her, but she thinks love is getting what she wants. I am terrified of what her life away from home is like, the not knowing is the scariest part. She had been pretty sheltered till she "left." The only contact she's had w/ me is to ask for her car. (She left w/ the understanding that the car would stay.) She knew she was cutting off all contact with me, her dad & siblings when she left. This has been the hardest thing to live through & I've been through some stuff. Good luck to you, I know how it feels.

-- posted by carson5493

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» sienna1942 - My son is a narcissist

In response to My son is a narcissist posted by sienna1942:

To Carson5493,
It is hard to tell when they are teens (and I assune she is a teen) if this is narcissistic behavior but only time will tell. When she gets older, she may grow-up and be responsible but if it continues into adulthood i.e. (early 20's )then I'd say you'd, then, have an unfortunate situation, indeed.
There is no cure and no counselling that really helps a narcissist (if that is what she really is) and so all you, then, can do is what I had to do with both of my sons and that is to RUN. The narcissist having strongly influenced the younger son! Because, a narcissist can be extremely vindictive toward anyone they think in their twisted reasoning has done them wrong. They are capable of anything in retribution. That would include, retribution against reasonable parental discipline and/or reasonable parental decisions. A normal child will respond to the aforesaid measures but not a narcissist. It is best not to try to reason with them but to always, always agree with them; do what they ask. In doing this, you may not make the same mistakes I did and that was to raise him in a normal fashion in accordance with parenting classes that are given. Please remember, that they will get angry about not getting their way and, 'boom', they get back in whatever means they choose and you may not even realize it until it is too late! There is no growing up and becoming a responsible citizen - they are what they are and that is all there is to it! Don't try taking them to Sunday School and church either - they pay lip service there, too. There is no way in the world to change them!
I have never told this to any one, so read this section carefully and thoughtfully: my son has gone so far as to tell the social servies that I have sexually abused him! I, of course, never knew this and was never charged or brought before the courts for this accusation but the upshot is that the social services closed ranks against me which shows that they are not too swift when it comes to the ploys of a narcissist.
The narcissist has no idea of right and wrong and so whatever attention he or she can get (whether good or bad attention) is o.k. with them. These individuals simply and completely are absorbed by their own wants and needs and desires and no one is allowed to interfere with that.
It is true my son was sexually abused, but, it was by someone very early in his young life for which he in later years (t about age 10) reported to the social services (because it happened in a home run by them). This may have had some bearing on why he is what he is now. I really don't know, but they say the narcissist has been abused mentally or physically or sexually prior to age 2. This fits, then, with his own exepriences at that age. So, these people who suffer with this malady have no empathy whatsoever in any way and often, because they are a narcissist, sexually abuse their own children (quite apart from having been sexually abused themselves). This is due to being a narcissist because they do not see their own offspring as a separate individual unto themselves but rather a source of narcissistic gratification (otherwise known as narcissistic supply).
I, sincerely, hope and trust that the above information will be of help to you in your present situation.
I also recommend that you go on Google and type in the word Narcissist and study the mentality of such individuals and it will be a further eye-opener and will be a source of great help to you in making further decisions regarding your daughter.
Sincerely, Sienna1942

-- posted by sienna1942

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» Daisywheel - Re My son is a narcissist

My father is a narcissist. He is also a psychopath who terribly abused myself and my brother. They CANNOT be cured. I can imagine how painful it was for you to have to break your contact with your son(s). But you also have to have a modicum of self-preservation. It took me nearly 20 yrs. to come to grips with my father and mother (she allowed the abuse ie. turned the other way) and the fact that they abused us the way they did. I used to have contact with them and for many years I struggled with guilt and shame because whenever I was around them they would play their usual games and I would get that icky, scary feeling inside. When I finally sought help, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was a huge relief to talk to someone who was trained to deal with these issues, but also to know that I am not going "crazy". I am now trying to work through my rage. I am a parent now and am proud to say that I have completely broken the cycle. I can't imagine doing the violent things to my children that my parents did to me. I want you to know that it is OKAY that you have had to break contact. It's NOT you. Narcissists are VERY vindictive. They are also very manipulative. My parents contacted me at the beginning of the summer and said that they would like to get to know their grandchildren and would my husband and I be willing to send the children for a visit. This triggered so many awful memories in me and I am not sure why. I know what my father is capable of. I know he is VERY angry that I have stopped contact between myself and them. I don't even want to think of what would happen if I sent my beautiful babies to them. Of course, narcissists are unaware of the pain they cause. The do not have the ability to empathize or feel compassion for others. Respect is big deal to them, but only if THEY are the ones receiving it. Anyway, I could ramble on for days, but I just wanted you to know that you are doing the right thing. The only way to deal with a narcissist (in my opinion) is to run as far away as you can. Peace and Love. Daisywheel

-- posted by Daisywheel

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» sienna1942 - Re My son is a narcissist

In response to Re My son is a narcissist posted by Daisywheel:

Dear Daiseywheel,
Thank you so very much for your letter.
Yes, I agree, that the one and only thing any person can do is run as far and as fast as one can from the presence of a Narcissist.
Every day, my own decision to separate is better and, of course, being on this site and having encouragement through letters such as your's helps, too.
I am on a singles site; trying to meet a gentleman for a life partner and one I recently met had his own hellish narcissistic experiences with his former wife's child. He wed her when the boy was about 5 and then they had a son and daughter of their own. They were married for approximately 15 years. It turned out that the rages of the step-son and his other behaviors got worse and worse and the wife began to pull more and more toward the son (poor boy, etc.; he needs me, it's him and me against the world, etc.) To the point that he divorced her and she still won't see that she is the son's victim and narcissistic supplier and the out-come is that the man won't let me help him talk about it and learn about it in order to help himself heal and also in order to have enough information about a narcissist to give to his former wife so she can escape the prison she and her son have built around her.
I had no other option but to stop the relationship from continuing on.
He wanted to hinder me from speaking at all about narcissism or even trying to read about it on his own. Rather, he just wanted to 'forget it and go on with life' or words to that effect. It's a mistake that many people make because putting one's head in the sand is not dealing with the issues in order to heal. It was too bad because he was nice but, as I said, this is my 'ministry' and I get a lot of joy and personal healing by helping others in the same boat.
It shows that I am getting stronger and stronger in that I can notice emotional pitfalls that I should avoid when trying to begin a new relationship. I, also, am aware of my own personal boundaries and won't let someone ignore or abuse them which is, also, a good sign of healing.
A narcissist crosses your boundaries so many times that you don't realize it and soon you have none where they are concerned!
I think (but it was not diagnosed at the time) that my own father was a narcissist.
He was diagnosed as paranoid but when I think back (now that I have had my own narcissistic experiences) I can see some of the traits in him that a true narcissist has.
One trait he had was sexual aggressiveness and/or inappropriatness. There, also, was sexual child abuse and both of the above were done to me by my father. These are the two main reasons why I feel that he was also a narcissist.
My childhood was bad enough that my mind will not recall memories of early childhood all the way up to early teens!
After 4 or 5 years of analysis, the doctor at that time would still not even venture to open those closed doors. Even by hypnosis. It is, I guess, the body's way of protecting our sanity. The doctor did not want to have me loose my sanity by crossing that boundary, I guess.
I do recall a discussion that I had with a man (he and his wife closed off communication with my parents even though they were thought to be my folks' best friends at the time). This happened when I was about 6 years old.
He said they closed off being close with my parents because of the way my father treated me!
It is a pity that they did not go further and involve the police and social services but they did not which left me in that hell for the rest of my life but, nevertheless, it was of some small healing that he told me the story when I was in my early 30's.
I am on this site to help others who may have been touched by a narcissist or want to be informed if they are, in fact, involved with one.
It is my 'ministry, as I said. Through it, I want to help others by giving them any information that might help them make their own decisions or to just make them feel a little less alone in their hell and how to escape it. Sienna1942

-- posted by sienna1942

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» arlenejohnson57 - My son is a narcissist

In response to My son is a narcissist posted by sienna1942:

I need someone to talk to. I feel I finally lost my mind. My husband after 23 years of marriage decided he was through with me and took another woman in front of my children. He was able to get my children while wearing me down in court. My children were very close to me and now I am perpetrator and I do not get to see them at all. I am in agony. Looking back all the years there were so many signs he was just waiting to do me in. I have lost everything in my life including my belongings.

-- posted by arlenejohnson57

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» sienna1942 - My son is a narcissist

In response to My son is a narcissist posted by arlenejohnson57:

Dear friend,
My heart goes out to you, most sincerely.
It will do no good to give you platitudes but I am here each and every time you want to write.
If they are young now, they will come back to the one that is their mother.
Also, don't forget that what goes around, comes around. He will get his sometime so never fear! There is a God that sees it all and is going to discipline him.
I would give you my personal email but do not know if this site allows this.
I am here now and so write back and forth with me and I will keep an eye on this page and answer you asap.
You are hurting just now and I hurt for you and with you. Just know that I am hear that SOMEONE IS HERE FOR YOU AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE SO BOUNCE ALL THE PAIN OFF ONTO ME, PLEASE.
Your friend, Sienna1942

-- posted by sienna1942

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» mamacita25 - My son is a narcissist

In response to My son is a narcissist posted by sienna1942:

Sienna,
I don't have help for you other than support for what you're going through. My ex is a narcissist and my 8 yr old son is and has been since birth. I didn't realize what was wrong till a year ago after trying everything with this boy. He terrorizes my daughter and I, he's been to 3 yrs of therapy, acts perfect at school but with us is EVIL. After reading about narcissists after reading about a zillion different books on how to help him and us, I realize he is stuck. I'm so sad but just ordered something online that will maybe help. I'll get back on and let you know if it does or was a rip-off. I could not access all that happened to you but your emotions in your message are exactly how I feel. I have always been good with kids, oldest of 5 and have worked with kids in programs yet I have no clue what else do do for this twisted boy. Like you, I love him with all my heart but can't allow him to torture us like this. He has broken my finger, destroyed many things in our home, throws dangerous objects, etc. We are afraid of him, his Dad demonizes counselors and psychologists so my son won't go anymore, you're right: I can't raise him. All I can do is step around him.Right now since he is little I can remove priveleges, praise and reward self control or consideration for others, but that only lasts for the short term. The worst part is realizing he is uch a tortured person inside as well. He poops he pants every day when he gets home, despite all the attention and support and love we can possibly give. He has medicine for that but it keeps getting better, then worse etc. My poor 12 yr old daughter who is levelheaded and easy going has to deal with it from her Dad AND him when she is at Dad's. Because of course the courts could not recognize the Dad's problems, although they are now from his incessant and ongoing frivolous suits.I'm sorry I'm not writing anything to help but I am writing to offer support and understanding for having to give up and step away from the abuse.Even if he truly "can't help it". You feel like you live with a wolf. That's how I feel. If he's this scary at 8 what will it be like when he's 16?? And the people that don't really know him praise him to me all the time, "he's so cute, so sweet, so polite" I just smile sadly and say Oh, thank you....

-- posted by mamacita25

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» mamacita25 - Re My son is a narcissist

In response to Re My son is a narcissist posted by sienna1942:

Sienna,
sorry it's me again. After I responded to you I kept reading and I read about the woman your man used to be married to and how she was her son's victim. THat really hit home. Your letter to her was so good, and I am happy for you that your progress has made you strong enough to let go of that guy since he is so unaccepting of such an impactful experience in your life. Some people never understand it because they don't live it. Just describing it, they think you must have done something wrong for it to happen. They don't realize you've spent years wondering what you are doing wrong, years trying to avoid doing anything to make it worse, and years trying to fix it with some new technique or just trying to avoid it. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT! so he just thinks you're excusing his ex-wife and you're "helping" her. IN the words of Charlie Brown as Lucy takes the ball away again...Aaaargh!

-- posted by mamacita25

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» ajmsoul - Re My son is a narcissist

In response to Re My son is a narcissist posted by mamacita25:

What an interesting thread of discussion and wonderfully supportive too.

When someone we love or care about is narcissitic (behaves in self-absorbed and self-centred and often abusive ways)and/or ends up being diagnosed with Narcissitic Personality Disorder, or any other personality disorder or form of mental illness the result is a lot of pain.

The pain is largely the pain of loss. The pain of trying to relate to someone who isn't able to relate back in ways that are appropriate, mutual, and/or reciprocal. This means that it is necessary, regardless of the nature of the relationship - ie parent, spouse, ex,
friend - etc., that firm boundaries are set to protect your own sanity.

Nothing about what you have all been discussing is easy. However, everyone has the right to expect to be treated in ways that are not abusive. To put up with abuse, even the abuse of a narcissitic teenager won't do anything but hurt you and further ingrain their behaviour.

Setting limits can be very emotionally difficult and draining and many with narcissitic issues do not appreciate or respect, in the least, the needs or wants of others.

You can only do what you can do. The best that you can do is take care of yourself, any other children or family members and set boundaries that you enforce and stick to that keep you safe and that try to address the inappropriate nature of the person that is self-absorbed.

These situations do call for assessment. How they are beat handled really depends upon whether one is diagnosed with Narcissitic Personality Disorder or not.
It can mean the difference between possilble successful treatment (if it's not NPD) or a rather rigid, lasting, and unfortunate pattern of relating that will only mean endless pain for those around the self-absorbed person.

I hope that any of you still experiencing these difficulties will take care of youselves and other children in your families and not be hard on yourselves for the actions that you need to take to protect your own sanity.

Mental illness does not excuse abuse.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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