Abuse

» maj04 - Women who use claims of "ABUSE"

First off I will tell you that I am a woman, I am very sympathetic to women who are abused. But I have a situation that is infuriating to me, women who use,make-up and exaggerate claims of abuse to hurt their spouse or to keep the father of their children away from their children. As soon as abuse is claimed it is a stigmatism that the man has to defend even without any proof, the court and society believes the female. The children are not well taken care of in many instances and the mother does not want the children she just does not want the father to have them, the mother is mentally ill and there is nothing that can be done to get the children out of this environment. Has anyone heard of "Abuse" being used this way? and Any suggestions that you may have to help my friend out in this situation?

-- posted by maj04

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» Haley27 - Women who use claims of "ABUSE"

In response to Women who use claims of "ABUSE" posted by maj04:

I agree that many people abuse both false accusations, and misuse of the legal system, in the course of ending a marriage. And I do not believe the courts do a very good job of preserving everybody's best interest in these cases. Generally, it is whoever is most aggressive or has the most money that gets the best post-divorce situation. A woman who has been truly abused often has neither of these things on her side. It can be a tough call who gets the fairer deal.

I believe both parents should have time with the kids no matter what... at least supervised time. If the father is truly innocent, I hope he gets his chance to be heard, and see his children.

Some things about the situation you describe raised some red flags to me, though. Is the mother claiming her husband is guilty of child abuse? Or spousal abuse? Physical or emotional? How familiar are you with both members of the couple?

I don't know any more than you've said here, but if the husband has told you his wife is mentally ill, and the children are not well cared for, there's a high possibility that she was indeed living in an abusive relationship.

Spousal abuse takes many forms, most of which do not involve physical violence.
Spousal abuse, or at very least neglect, and the hopeless it creates, is a major cause of depression for a housewife. This can carry over into everything she does, including the way she acts in social situations, and how she cares for her children.

Depending on what kind of abuser a woman's husband is, he might even be forcing her to provide a lower standard of care for the children than what she really wants to, possibly based on the father's jealousy of his children, or residual anger over his own bad childhood.

If her husband had other types of personality disorders as well, he may be exceptionally skilled at hiding his own mental illness from friends, extended family and coworkers. Such a man would also be skilled at convincingly portraying himself as the longsuffering, innocent, exasperated husband, while trashing his wife's character to any sympathetic listener.

And, over time, the effects of this kind of demoralizing treatment, upon her, and the kids, would make them all probably look and act poorly cared for, and mentally unhealthy. It would take a very strong woman, in this case, to overcome the hurdle of her own emotional exhaustion and have the courage to leave.

I could be wrong, but I have some reservation against believing that a woman who has taken the kids, and has safely and successfully left her husband, would have the time, energy, or motivation to lob abuse accusations at him, unless there was a very good reason.

I do hope I am wrong. And if I am, I further hope that those of you who know the couple might consider helping them take a second look at what they are doing, at what caused the break-up, what might heal it, and consider giving it another try.

If she is mentally ill, or he is abusive (or both) there are treatments for both things, and counseling could help them each learn how to rebuild the love. Such an effort could be supported by families, friends, and the church. The children really deserve this much.

Sometimes it is the division and stands that family and friends take, during the divorce, that prevent the couple from working things out. How wonderful if this great influence and support could be used to bless and preserve a family!

I wish you and your friend, and his wife and children, the very best.

-- posted by Haley27

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» maj04 - Women who use claims of "ABUSE"

In response to Women who use claims of "ABUSE" posted by Haley27:

I appreciate and thank you for your response. It appears to me that when a woman makes those allegations, it must be true. In fact, most of your response focuses on the woman. What about the husband who has been used and munipulated and then accused of abuse? Society also primarily focuses on the women,without consideration to the fact that there are some sick women who use that very system for their benefit. They make certain allegations at the appropriate time and it almost appears that they research what steps to take and treat it like a checklist. I know protecting women in abusive situations is extremely important but what about those women who actually do abuse that system. One more note these allegations have been made with previous partners, with no regard for the children or that partner either.

-- posted by maj04

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» hawkgazer - Women who use claims of "ABUSE"

In response to Women who use claims of "ABUSE" posted by maj04:

You mention "previous partners", do you mean that there are previous partners to the woman who are alleging that she has wrongfully accused them of abuse? Or do you mean that this man has been previously accused of abuse by his previous partners?
I have found in my own personal experience that it is ver hard to judge a situation from the outside, especially after the fact when people are trying to save face. I would however say that in either case - whether she has a history of abuse, or he does, or especially both - there is 1) probably more to the story than you know, and 2) may indicate that there has been abuse present, not that it was contrived. Abusers often repeat their behavior, in the same way that those who are accustomed to abusive relationships often find themselves with abusive partners again and again before breaking the cycle. It is often not a case of "crying wolf" but of knowing when to say when - abuse is not always apparent to the outside world, even when it is seriously debilitating to those it effects.

-- posted by hawkgazer

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» erdew - claims of abuse by women in relationships

I am so fasinated in the idea that seems to be prevelant in our society that women and their representatives do not lie about abuse in relationship dissolution, whether divorce or just ordinary breakups. As a father of two girls, I watched as my ex and her advocates marched our chidren thru such abuse of therapy under the pretense of protection. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, her lawyers and advocates(women all) used purposely calculated misdiagnosis of our childrens issues to introduce my past victemization as a divorce tatic, literally weeks after mediation failed to net what my ex and her divorce team "suggested" I should offer as a final settlement. When I refused, I was immediately investigated for child sexual abuse, despite that fact that over the initial 18 months of separation nothing had been suggested and I had enjoyed normal visitation with my daughters. The idea that this is not representative of a behavioral trend amongst some women in general is disturbing when these same populations continue to promote the idea that women should be protected from the worst behaviors of men while refusing to acknowledge the worst behaviors of women. It is as if these proponents of the feminest agenda have found a power base by achieving the ability to influence our courts, and then want us to believe that there is no abuse in this base of power. This parellels the same abuse of power that men had used during the days of sufferage, when men so dominated the seats of power that the voices of women were not only not heard, but that the loudest of these voices were subjected to slander and gossip, a tatic similar to that used by women of today. Those women who claim victimization, but who need to hide behind the often bizzare claims of confirmation offered by many feminest therapists. In my case despite independent witness statements of sexualization as a result of exposure to my ex engaging in sex in view of my daughters, the feminests and the courts used rape shield to protect my ex from investigation and then diagnosed satanic ritual abuse as the reasons for my childrens age inappropriate understanding of adult sexual behaviors. I submit that only a system that has become so political in it's dealings with the "best interests of children" could behave so badly and suggest that it's only trying to do the right thing. And I submit that like yesteryear the buracrats that reach these results are thinking only of their best interest and their job security rather that recognizing the negetive impact of taking children into these often voyeuristic therapies. As long as we continue to believe that women are perpetual victems and not potential perpetrators we continue to expose this generation of children to the excesses of these abuses. We have in fact, under the guise of protection, merely created a new form of abuse, and though when we look at the worst of the female communities behaviors we see an attempt to gain power. Any woman who has lied to get pregnant, any woman who has lied about abuse is attempting to get power and that parallels the same reasons that men abuse. We need to someday grow up as a people and recognize that our legislators enact laws not to protect us but to protect themselves and that in doing that they can be taken advantage of. And that the system needs to evolve to recognize that men and women abuse differently. Until then we have learned nothing about protecting people from abuse, we merely walk along a line that is best for the generation in power today. And that only protects the status quo, including the women who worked so hard for power that they have become beholden to those that helped them acquire power, and who now, like the men of yesteryear stand idly by while women abuse, and merely spread gossip and rumor to put down the forward thinkers who have the nerve to point out the emperor is yet again naked

-- posted by erdew

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» maj04 - claims of abuse by women in relationships

In response to claims of abuse by women in relationships posted by erdew:

Thank you, this is exactly what I am talking about. I am embarrassed as a woman that this is being done. The system is being used, there are no limits to how far some women are willing to go. They obviously do not have a conscience!! It is almost like, they pull out the next allegation, when they have not succeeded with the previous one. My final thought, women who do this have to eventually answer to their children and the children will see their mother for whom she really is...!

-- posted by maj04

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» maj04 - Women who use claims of "ABUSE"

In response to Women who use claims of "ABUSE" posted by hawkgazer:

As I respect your writings and posts and choose not to comment on them, I am asking you kindly to refrain from posting comments on mine. As everyone has the right to post their thoughts and opinion on public sites, such as this, I believe it would be most beneficial if we make every effort to keep to ourselves, while we both continue to read and post on this site. Thanks.

-- posted by maj04

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» jesika15 - claims of abuse by women in relationships

In response to claims of abuse by women in relationships posted by erdew:

I am very sorry that you have gone through and/or are still going through this, I agree with everything you are saying I have also witnessed this first hand. If you read the "characteristics of an abusive person", you can specifically outline acts that these women have performed in detail and they meet the definition of abuse, but these women claim they are the ones being abused.. Control is the factor here, when these women feel their control of the situation is depleting they make new allegations, you would think the attorneys/court would recognize this, but they are structured to believe that if a women makes these allegations it must be true. Sadly, I have also witnessed that some attorneys will do anything for the money. Women who behave in this manner need mental help, they have no boundaries, its all about hurting the former spouse/boyfriend without consideration to the fact that they are even hurting the children along the way.. eventually this behavior will catch up with them. We should keep in mind, that they are SICK... and they have to live with themselves being that way everyday. As difficult as it is to feel compassion, these women are absolutely pathetic and don't have anything elso going for them. Which is so very sad. We can only hope that in the future, maybe the court will catch on and make some serious changes, my advice to you, continue to do everything you can for your children, ride through all of the bumps, continue to be the bigger person and in the end it will pay off.... Good always wins!!

-- posted by jesika15

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» poohbear2700 - abuse

In response to claims of abuse by women in relationships posted by jesika15:

hi, I'm not sure if you guys want to hear my opinion or not but here goes anyway. I was hurt really bad my my ex husband, we were married five years and everyone thoguht we were the perfect couple and nobody knew what was happening inside our house. He never hit me because he knew it would leave a mark, but he would pin me down and scream at me and tell me I was crazy all the time to the point where I would write everything down that I saw and heard so that when he told me I was imagining things and they didn't really happen I could at least know, for myself, that it did. Close friends didn't want to come over for dinner after a while, not because we fought but because I was always uptight, and he didn't want to have anyone over. "what happens here stays here" he'd say. As our son got older, things got worse - he would yell at him so much for just being a kid, the two of us would hide in his bedroom and I would pretend that everything was ok, I'd tell ds that daddy was just upset about work, etc - but the tension was always terrible. By the time I got up the guts to leave, my husband had started locking our son in his bedroom to keep him quiet, and constantly insulting both of us. I did not have the support of many people - my own friends had long since given up on me, and even my own family didn't believe me because I had always put on a show and made it seem like everything was ok. I took a year or so for our son to start being able to talk about his dad, because he was always afraid he was going to be punished more, spanked, locked up. So it took about that long for anyone to believe me - but I knew it. So for at least a year, while I had not "proof" other than my own memories, I was one of these women: "As difficult as it is to feel compassion, these women are absolutely pathetic and don't have anything elso going for them." I'm sorry, but I don't hear compassion in that statement. I never once felt pathetic. I was strong, because i finally took my child out of a living H#ll. And I had, and still have plenty going for me - far more than I did while I was cowering behind a thin door wondering when it would crash down on me again. But you are right about one thing. Good always wins.

-- posted by poohbear2700

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» jesika15 - abuse

In response to abuse posted by poohbear2700:

I am sorry that you have lived through this and I am glad that you and your son got out of this situation, but if you read the previous posts my point was in response to "erdew", you read this as a general statement regarding abused women, which is not the intent of my statement. My point was that there are some "sick" women out there that use the system by claiming abuse for there own benefit, and my concern is that society in general does not believe that some actual claims of abuse may be in fact made up to hurt the other party or to get the upper hand in a custody or divorce battle as with "erdew". I am also a woman, I am not naive to abuse and in fact had divorced my former spouse and father of my children because of the things he would say to me, but I am also sickened by the fact that without a conscience, some women know exactly what to claim at what point, and that really troubles me. It does exist, I have personally seen it quite a few times throughout my life, with friends & family. We must not be naive to the fact that some claims are not true or may be exaggerated to something other than what actually occurred.

-- posted by jesika15

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