Abuse

» Haley27 - Women who use claims of "ABUSE"

In response to Women who use claims of "ABUSE" posted by maj04:

I agree that many people abuse both false accusations, and misuse of the legal system, in the course of ending a marriage. And I do not believe the courts do a very good job of preserving everybody's best interest in these cases. Generally, it is whoever is most aggressive or has the most money that gets the best post-divorce situation. A woman who has been truly abused often has neither of these things on her side. It can be a tough call who gets the fairer deal.

I believe both parents should have time with the kids no matter what... at least supervised time. If the father is truly innocent, I hope he gets his chance to be heard, and see his children.

Some things about the situation you describe raised some red flags to me, though. Is the mother claiming her husband is guilty of child abuse? Or spousal abuse? Physical or emotional? How familiar are you with both members of the couple?

I don't know any more than you've said here, but if the husband has told you his wife is mentally ill, and the children are not well cared for, there's a high possibility that she was indeed living in an abusive relationship.

Spousal abuse takes many forms, most of which do not involve physical violence.
Spousal abuse, or at very least neglect, and the hopeless it creates, is a major cause of depression for a housewife. This can carry over into everything she does, including the way she acts in social situations, and how she cares for her children.

Depending on what kind of abuser a woman's husband is, he might even be forcing her to provide a lower standard of care for the children than what she really wants to, possibly based on the father's jealousy of his children, or residual anger over his own bad childhood.

If her husband had other types of personality disorders as well, he may be exceptionally skilled at hiding his own mental illness from friends, extended family and coworkers. Such a man would also be skilled at convincingly portraying himself as the longsuffering, innocent, exasperated husband, while trashing his wife's character to any sympathetic listener.

And, over time, the effects of this kind of demoralizing treatment, upon her, and the kids, would make them all probably look and act poorly cared for, and mentally unhealthy. It would take a very strong woman, in this case, to overcome the hurdle of her own emotional exhaustion and have the courage to leave.

I could be wrong, but I have some reservation against believing that a woman who has taken the kids, and has safely and successfully left her husband, would have the time, energy, or motivation to lob abuse accusations at him, unless there was a very good reason.

I do hope I am wrong. And if I am, I further hope that those of you who know the couple might consider helping them take a second look at what they are doing, at what caused the break-up, what might heal it, and consider giving it another try.

If she is mentally ill, or he is abusive (or both) there are treatments for both things, and counseling could help them each learn how to rebuild the love. Such an effort could be supported by families, friends, and the church. The children really deserve this much.

Sometimes it is the division and stands that family and friends take, during the divorce, that prevent the couple from working things out. How wonderful if this great influence and support could be used to bless and preserve a family!

I wish you and your friend, and his wife and children, the very best.

-- posted by Haley27