Abuse

» Fantasia78 - Nasty fights

I always thought that there was was something unhealthy about our fighting, but I always felt it was my fault we were fighting, or that every couple has something that isn't so good. I'm having trouble arrranging in my mind exactly how to explain stuff but here goes. I have been dating my bf for 8 years. We were friends first, and got together shortly afterwards. When we fight, it is usually about me lying, but i always feel pushed into them, and then once confessed, traped. The most current are around wearing a bikini. I lost weight, adn could finally wear them. I bought a nice one, and wore it for my bf. He made comments about how reveling it is, but I said I'm not interested in other men, but I"m wearing it for him and myself. Well I could wear it for a bit, but then he got upset about it, and long story short, it turned into I wore them to get mail attention, which is a form of cheating, and I lied about my intensions of wearing it. I got many insults, told I am really to fat where one anyways, here is an exerpt And by the way, you do look good in a bikini, but before you get too overconfident, here is a little reality check for you: you barely look good in a bikini, and you are not exactly thin, yet, sexual looking yes, but thin and bikini-worthy? Barely. Sorry to be so blunt, but you seem to think you are the shit, just letting you know that you are not that good, maybe to me, but not generally speaking. I have a gut and a double-chin, and you have gone from fatty to chubby. I wonder how you will treat me if and when you actually get thin....

I have been constantly accused of cheating with a former male friend. While I did rely on him emotionally becuase I was very lonely, which was wrong, I never had physical relations with him. He has persisted with this for years, and then after a particularly nasty fight, where I was kept up all night, I had to drive to work, got into a car accident, and went home. After calling him to tell him what happened, he seemed to care, but then went into pressuring me to admite sex. I was so weak in that state that I confessed even though it wasn't true, thinking it would make him go away.

I've admitted to things I haven't done because in arguments he's so good with logic and argueing that it's the only logical solution to the way things are presented, and because when I confess, things get worse, but then better quicker then if I hold out. I am contantly accused on lying, and in arguments get past confessions thrown in my face. His insluts aren't vulgare, but hurt just as much, like showing your tit's and c**nt to the world with such reveling bikini, lier, intelligent but not that intelligent, beutiful to me but, ect. Things can go great for months or years, but then when the fight comes, I always feel really hurt, and he knows, he always says sorry afterwards for the way he behaved, and that he has more integrity, and he won't get to that stage next time. I just can't seem to have a normal argument.

I'm sorry this is so scattered, and I don't feel I've made a definitive point, but I just feel bad, and that something is wrong, and while I do hurt his feelings sometimes, I feel the reaction is 10xs worst then what I did. Is this abuse?

-- posted by Fantasia78

» mandy38 - verbal and mental abuse

In reading Fantasia's story, I too go through the exact same thing. I also deal with a drug addicted spouse.
Both problems together is exhausting for me and my sons. On a daily basis, you never know what to expect. I'm mentally drained, physically wore out and financially tapped out. I have been dealing with this for about 5 years and all I can say is, shame on me!! I am getting out of this corrupted life and making a new one, a much healthier one and that is that. No person should ever put up with any type of abuse, EVER!!!!

-- posted by mandy38

» Fantasia78 - verbal and mental abuse

In response to verbal and mental abuse posted by mandy38:

Thank you for your response mandy, saying that you go through the exact same thing, does that mean that you admit to things you don't do just including liying so the fights end quicker? I feel like I'm the only person who has this problem.

-- posted by Fantasia78

» mandy38 - abuse

And thank you for reading my little note Fantasia78.
Tonight again, more of the same old stuff. Yelling, acusing, denial.......
I'm so over the abusive talk.
I am one of those people that is only biding time. When the time is right I will be free of this and NEVER will this happen again to me. And I hope for you either. Sleep well my friend.

Mandy38

-- posted by mandy38

» mandy38 - Fantasia78, in response to your question.

Fantasia78, in response to your question. Don't ever admit to things you have not done wrong. I was always taught that if you have done something wrong then you should take whats coming to you. If you have done nothing wrong, then you stick up for yourself. Don't let any man make you feel like that.
I use to let this man run my entire life. He is a control freak. He has torn up my clothes, I have dealt with drug issues with him, I have done all I can do for him and the rest is up to him. You can't change a person. Don't ever forget that.
We fight more than we get along and I hate that but some people love drama in their lives because that is all they know. I too, am learning this the hard way.

Mandy38

-- posted by mandy38

» Fantasia78 - Fantasia78, in response to your question.

In response to Fantasia78, in response to your question. posted by mandy38:

Hi Mandy, thanks for your reply. I think I've let it become a pattern, and once you've done it a few times, it's harder to break free of the pattern. I hope the time for you comes quickly. I haven't decided what I'm going to do, as I am confused. We don't fight that much, maybe once every 6 months, sometimes it's been less, but when we do, the way I feel afterwards, what's been said, even though I know I've hurt my partner, or at least he seems that I have, I come away feeling hurt, put down and with a rage that I keep to myself because the though of more fighting is so repulsive I'd rather live with my pent up feelings. Like I said in my post, I don't know if this is abuse, as I have a good job, am in charge of my own money, and am not discouraged from being with friends and family. But I do feel like I can't be myself, like I have to watch what I say, something innocent, or a hesitation can turn into something really nasty. And the way i'm munipulated in fights, the things said to me, the pain inflicted, I just don't think it's right. I don't think I'm that weak, but I'm obviously not strong enough to prevail in a confrontation with him. I'm going to start seeing a psychotheripist for someone professional to talk to, so I hope that helps.

-- posted by Fantasia78

» mandy38 - As I said before.

As I said before. You should be able to speak your mind to ANYBODY. I too had to watch what I said, what I wore, where I went, etc. That is a form of control. And you and I both know....people aren't to be controlled.
My husband keeps telling me to leave, to make his life better and just get the h_ll out of his life. That I am the one that is to blame. I know that isn't true. I am tired of walking on eggshells all my life. I want to be me. My kids deserve better. I am glad to hear that you are talking to a counselor. That is a step in the right direction. I am going to do that too, as soon as this is over. I too, am not as strong as I want to be and I am scared to death to do this on my own. But, I know in the end, I will be a better person, a stronger person and I have to raise my standards as far as men go. As crazy as this sounds, I love him but I have to let him go.....he could hurt me and my children.

Mandy

-- posted by mandy38

» Fantasia78 - As I said before.

In response to As I said before. posted by mandy38:

That's weird that your husband blames you for his problems, because that is exactly the way it is with me. I constantly get told that before I came along, he was confident, had lots of self esteem, etc.. until I came along with all me lies. He tells me that he sometimes wishes I would leave, and dissapear from his life, that he wants to get out from under my thumb. I feel alot of resentment around this as the only one responsible for him is him! I've in the past tried to leave, he broke up with me, but that never works out, I was really close once, but then he took a bunch of pills, and I couldn't deal with that. I understand that you love you husband, I still love my man, but I've also grown to hate him as well. I don't think he has the slightest clue that what he does sometimes hurts me so much, or if he does, he doesn't care which would be worse. Maybe I do bring out the worst in him, who knows. I know that you can get away with your kids. Do you have a family to help support you, is doesn't have to be you all alone. Good luck.

-- posted by Fantasia78

» mandy38 - Fantasia,

Fantasia,
What I keep trying to get you to understand is that you don't make him behave the way he does...HE CHOSES TO ACT THAT WAY. It has nothing to do with YOU. He needs to grow up and act like an adult. He needs to treat you the same way he expects to be treated. If he can't do that, THEN YOU TOO NEED TO MOVE ON. My husband has gone through anger management before, not while with me but with his first wife. Obviously that didn't work. I feel for you but stop feeling like you are responsible for his actions. Remember this: Everywhere you go...there you are!
Don't allow him to treat you bad. You control how people treat you and if you are weak, he knows that and prays on that cause he knows you aren't going anywhere.

Hugs-
Mandy38

-- posted by mandy38