Abuse

» brandi74 - Abuser who says he's "joking"

So, my husband constantly criticizes me about everything I say and do, from leaving socks on the bathroom floor to my choice in music. He's called the the "c" word before we were married over something minute, only works 3 days a week while I work 40 to 45 hours and 5 days a week, I have a degree he does not and he makes fun of me for not making more money with my degree. He recently threatened to "throw me down the stairs" outside of our apartment and the next day he said he was "joking." I don't think it's too funny as I was asking him not to critcize me so much and told him I wanted to move out. He also told me to "shut the F up" four times before I went to work.
My mother had cussed at me when I was a teenager, slapped me twice and I would start arguments with my parents when my dad came home on the weekend from traveling as a salesman so they woudln't fight. A family therapist said this and I believe her. I was 14 at the time. My mom and I are on much better terms and she learned the verbal, emotional and well, physical abuse from her dad, my late grandpa who didn't mind hitting my grandma, though thankfully I never witnessed it.
So, what do u say to a husband who belittles his wife, threatens to throw her down the stairs and talks to her like a dog? I feel like we're roomates and not married and this is not how I want to be married. I will move out soon, get counseling and he doesn't control finances. I have more bills but have to pay more in bills as we don't split it down the middle, the bills and he's offered to but always comes up short on money.
brandi

-- posted by brandi74

» stress30 - for Fantasia (& Mandy)

Hi, I luckily found this site a few weeks ago when things were bad, and then they were good and now they are bad and each time gets worse and I get further and further to actually contemplating actually leaving. Fantasia-it is freaking scary everything you have said, I swear to God you and I must be with the same man. Especially the part about how good he is with logic and manipulation, it is as though you believe you actually did soemthing when you didn't. I have been married for 1 year and a half and have one 1yr old son with him and another on the way (7 mos pregnant now). I have been going through an emotional verbal, emotional, mental abuse roller coaster with some physical in between. I wouldn't know where to begin other than I'm losing my mind with him and he is complelty unreasonable and don't know what to do. He is harrasing me at work with texxt messages, telling me tongiht that he now deleted all pictures of our son off of our computer, (there aresome of them i have not made cds of yet including his 1 yr birthday and recent surgery), threw away all my underwear ! Sounds funny but it's true, of course he left the ones i had before him, which there aren't any. Anyway, the house is in my name, all my stuff, he has been very destructive in teh past and still is now, he thew away every card he ever got me during fights, threw away alot of keepsakes, burnt furniture the beginning of this year. Alcholic but he denies this of course and of course thinks all this is my fault because i have had so many boyfriends in the past (7 total) as opposed to his 50? If I leave, he will destroy everything in the house, i believe, he won't leave, what do I do???????? I cannot take this, he already had a wife and a kid which he does not see, he told me if I leave, he will never see the kids again, I also feel bad because if I did that, I would somehow be the cause of him not seeing 3 of his kids. He blames me for not seeing his first one due to money we didn't have to pay ehr child support. I need serious hellp, I can't talk to my family, they have already been threw 2 blowups requiring me to stay with them twice, if it happened again, that would be it and i dont' know, I want to do this with the least amount of drama possible. Can i legally change the locks? Even if i did he would probably kick the back door in. which he has done. You guys please help. I need continuous support, I feel likeyou guys know exactly what I am dealing with and I would like to tell you guys things as they are happening so I do not feel alone and like it is my fault. Please thanks.

-- posted by stress30

» stress30 - not just for mandy and fantasia

Hey, I could totally relet to fantasia and mandy's stories and then i read more and found out how many there are like that. Dr. Jekle and Mr. Hyde is classic, what is wrong with these men, are they bipolar, because i have thought that in the past many times, even tried to get him to see a psychiatrist,(took meds for a month and decided he didn't nee dthem of course). When he's sweet ,it is great, when he's not , he is a monster. I am losing it.

-- posted by stress30

» ajmsoul - for Fantasia (& Mandy)

In response to for Fantasia (& Mandy) posted by stress30:

Hi Stress30,

I received your email. And will reply here. As to when other people actually come by to post in these discussion threads I don't have anything to do with that. People just come by when they want to or feel the need to.

It sure sounds like you may well need to call the police. If it is your house, then he should be removed. If you haven't already, you should document everything that he has broken.

He is making all kinds of threats to control you. You have to find a way to get out and take care of yourself and your kids first, and your stuff secondly, if possible.

From what you are describing you would be safer to get professional help so that they can guide you as to how to get out with your children and stay safe.

I think that involving a professional and then with their guidance the police is likely your best course of action.

Do not let your abuser know what you are thinking about or planning. Just get help and make the plans and keep them secret for your safety and the saftey of your kids.

This person sounds as if he is escalating. Please do not wait, get professional help.

About changing locks, it depends upon your relationship and the laws where you live. Please contact your local women's shelter to get professional counsel and to get the answers to your questions so that you know what your rights are and how to implement them safely.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

» ajmsoul - not just for mandy and fantasia

In response to not just for mandy and fantasia posted by stress30:

Hi again stress30,

Please take care of yourself. Get professional help and get out of that situation or if possible get him out with the help of the police and change your locks if that's possible.

This is a time to take care of yourself and your children and trying to figure out hiw behaviour or what is wrong with him is not going to get you to safety.

Is it worth being with this person with en is "sweet" and having to take the abuse of the "monster"?

What matters most now isn't what's wrong with him but that you seek professional help to safely get out of this situation and to end this 'relationship'. The type of person you describe is escalating and getting more and more dangerous.

This is not love. It is abuse. Please get help and be safe.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

» meto44 - verbal and emotional abuse ????? Needing support

Hello,
It seems every day, I find myself more and more confused about abuse issues. I re-uninted with my ex-husband early this yr.He was abusive before,verbally, emotionally and physically. I thought it was primarily do to his alcohol abuse. He claims to be sober now.In Nov.he was diagnosed with rectal cancer, but it is treatable and his diagnosis for recovery is good. He has become so angry since this diagnosis. His verbal and emotional abuse, has become increasingly worse every day, but he hasn't physically abused me. I promised him I would stand by him, no matter what, we would get through this cancer together. However, his anger, has reached such an intensity,no matter what I do, he twists and turns his convulted anger at me.False accusations, conversation that makes no sense. He is so miserable and mean.I have made him leave several times, because of it, only to cave in again and try to fix things. Two days ago, during a tyranical phone conversation, I said "I don't want to help you anymore".
Last night, I tried, once again, to reason,accomodate,reassure, etc. etc. but, to no success. I have become verbally abusive back and my anger is no better than his. I feel such guilt, in saying I can't help anymore.My patience is gone. Then I re-think, calm down, and try again. I am afraid, that if we try to make something work, because of his refusal to acknowledge or seek help, it may turn a bad situation into a catastrophic situation. I keep trying, to communicate with him and it turns ugly everytime. I care about him, his health and wanted so desperately to see him through this. The AA's book,(chapter on wives), seems to indicate, I should ignore his anger,stand by, support him and patiently and kindly help him any way I possibly can. He blames me so much, for things that do not even occur. He is even more angry, since I said "I do want to help you anymore", his rage has intensified.I tried to explain why I said that. I told him, his constant abuse was turning me away from him, not to him. He refuses to see how I feel.I understand his feelings of betrayal and fear of being alone.We are so toxic together, and the fear of more damage being done, keeps me again, at arm's bay.Last night he "damanded" I say I was sorry. I said I'll say, "I apologize", but do not demand me. What should I do? I feel desperate for answers. My therapist says, stay away from him.
Thank you,
Anne

-- posted by meto44

» stress30 - Why are these men all so familiar?

This comment "he twists and turns his convulted anger at me.False accusations, conversation that makes no sense. He is so miserable and mean" sound like my husband as well, to the T! What is the reason for all these men soundign like the same man?? Are they bipolar, personality disorder? If I can better understand what it is it will be easier for me to restore some of my sanity. We all knwo what we need to do but at the same time understanding their "psycosis" can makesome of us (i'm sure) feel like it is not our fault, which is what they try to make us feel like. A.J. i have threatened to leave numerous times and tonight i told him i will file separation papers on tuesday, he had one wife leave and take his kid and i didn't want to be another one. I can't bear the thought of him being without his kids? But then again , he put himself in this situation and doesn't even realize it. That is part of the problem because he really thinks it is not him, so in his head, another wife left and took his kid that he will have to live without, I don't think he will make it through this. I know it's not my resonsobility to make sure he has a palce to stay but he is saying he will not leave or take care of our son either. He will not leave until he finds a place and in the mean time i am at work 7 months pregnant (on night shift) and he is telling me i will have to take care of our son when i get home all day without sleep because he is not going to be "my"' babysitter. He has said in numerous emails tonight, that I act like a crack addict mother, that our kids will have a messed up life because i don't know how to take care of kids and i am a horrible mother, just like my mother (which she is not!)becasue my father deserted me blah blah and all she did was raise a couple of sluts. I am really done but I really don't know if I have to strength to be the one to leave my house or call the cops to get him to leave and make a big fiasco, when he could just leave. AAAAAAAAAGHGH!!!

-- posted by stress30

» meto44 - Needing support and feedback

If anyone read my post, would you help me with some feed back on this????
Pleeeassse
Thank you,
Anne

-- posted by meto44

» ChrisAnnHope - Was I Verbally Abused

I began dating a man back in September 2006. We dated for about a week when little things started to happen with the way he spoke to me. I was cooking one night and he got mad at me and called me daft, I wiped only part of the table and he became annoyed with me, I tried to read a map for him and he grabbed it out of my hand, I tried to read the classifieds and he became impatient and asked me if I could read...and the worst was calling me a piece of work because I didn't put something in the car right...and it goes on and on. I tried to rationlize things because we had so much in common and we had fun but I never knew what would get him annoyed with me..and I recieved the silent treatment for hours on more than one occasion.....

-- posted by ChrisAnnHope

» ChrisAnnHope - not just for mandy and fantasia

In response to not just for mandy and fantasia posted by stress30:

Hi
I can totally relate to what you wrote. The man I dated was so sweet and loving....when he was in his good personalitly mode...but when he was not, I couldn't even kiss him properly or answer a question right..he would rip everything about me apart. And yet when I ended the relationship it hurt so much...I guess it was saying goodbye to what I thought we would be..I fell for him hard. He didn't treat me like I deserved though..it was like it should have been an honour for me to have him and because he was a good looking guy he didn't have to do anything to enrich the relationship. He basically took it for granted and wanted to change me and I almost let it happen. It scared my family, they could see the changes in me but I broke free but I still miss the man who I thought I fell in love with. Strange how we can love a person who treats us so low and hurts our self-esteem

-- posted by ChrisAnnHope