Abuse

» belleT - help out of ambiguity

I am really struggling with the fact that my boyfriend of 6 years is verbally and emotionally abusive on purpose. I was raised in a very loving home with no yelling and no name calling (by anyone) and can not grasp how there can be so many men/women who control and manipulate others by means of abuse. I know that he was verbally, physically, sexually and emotionally abused as a child and I know that doesn't excuse the present behavior. I also know that he KNOWS the way he behaves towards me sometimes is wrong but he doesn't seem to be able to stop it. I do not understand this.
I have read Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship and have tried her strategy of setting boundaries. This strategy hasn't worked for me. When I tell him I won't tolerate his name calling, he won't take it seriously. He laughs. I feel as though he would only respond to that if I attached a threat or ultimatum to it and I don't believe that is right to do (even if it did work, I'd feel as though I stooped to his level).
I just can't seem to make up my mind.
Sometimes I want to leave because I can't see how it will ever change or get better. Other times I want to stay and really work things out, give it my all.
I asked him to go to a counselor with me and he did agree but I can't find one who works nights/weekends. Counselors also seem to be VERY expensive and we can not afford the prices we've been asked to pay. It is especially expensive since neither of our health insurance companies covers mental health.
Where do I go for help?

-- posted by belleT

» Fantasia78 - a little update

In response to help out of ambiguity posted by belleT:

I never dreamed this thread would get so big, and that so many people face the same sort of problems I do. I felt like I seemed to be the only one with problems, and that everyone else seemed to have much better relations with their men. I have been in counselling since November, and it is expensive, but the change I've started to feel in myself has been worth it. I now realize that his opinions and judgements are just that, and that they are not correct or gospel. I have started to write the letter where I say what I want to say to him, this is a big step, I'm an under reactor, and hate confrontation, so the though of confronting him scares me, but I am getting stronger, and fearing the conseaquenses less and less. It's hard to understand why I love someone who is abusive, but like others have experienced, I love him for the good times, but can no longer tolerate the bad. I"ve also noted there are other men out there, and if things don't work out, I will be ok on my own, and can find someone new, which gives me hope. I wish good luck to everyone on this board, and while I havne't been able to confront him yet, I"m working up to it, and it's ok to go at your own pace, although if you are in physical danger, I would want to act sooner than later. Also, I am doing this for me, and without his knowledge, which is ok, I don't think it would be as productive if he knew, and was constantly asking/putting me down about it.

-- posted by Fantasia78

» stress30 - verbal and emotional abuse ????? Needing support

In response to verbal and emotional abuse ????? Needing support posted by meto44:

Hey, it is hard for any of us to give advice when we are all in the same boat and some of us haven't left. But as a person on the outside, i would definiltey say get out. He has done it before, he's doing it again and there is no change. I read your post and thought, wow that sounds just like my husband and i know in my heart nothing will change the way he is, maybe something down the line in his childhood could have changed if someone in his damn family would have done something besides keep him in a abusive home and allow him to be sexually abused as well as physically and emotionally. But we can't change the past, one thing, the AA books you say say, "wives stand by your man" kind of thing, he is not an alcoholic going through withdrawels, he is an abuser who is always going to do this, unless he gets some help, but like mine, most of them seem to not feel that they have a problem they need to fix, There is a pattern, I am learning from reading everyones posts that doesn't change, and you have to go, I'm telling you, you are so lucky that you are not married and do not have kids with this man. I wish I had had the chance to go back and be just his girlfriend, things would be a hell of a lot easier, now of course it is much more complicated, but if it weren't for the kids and marriage I would have been gone a looooooooooong time ago. You'll miss him but you won't miss the abuse.

-- posted by stress30

» mandy38 - To All Of You

Mandy38 back again. I am certainly no expert in the field of MEN but I posted something before and I don't know if you ladies are reading it or what.
Listen, everytime I hear someone say they don't know if they can leave or stay strong or cope with the abuser, I just don't know what to think. Ladies, you SHOULD NOT put up with nor should you put your kids through this kind of hell. It's not fair to either of you.
YOU can't change the way another person treats you. That is THEIR decision. And if you are getting verbally, mentally or especially physically abused....GET OUT.
I think that so many women feel like they don't want to tackle the world alone. There's other fish in the sea.
All of you deserve SO MUCH MORE than what you are having to deal with. I too, was abused in every way. I just left my husband in October and for the first time, HE IS KISSING MY BUTT. I have the upperhand for the first time in the 4 years we were married. Trust me once you aren't there.....they wake up real quick.
Good luck to all of you, I'll be praying.
Mandy38

-- posted by mandy38

» stress30 - To All Of You

In response to To All Of You posted by mandy38:

Hey, last night I was cleaning out some stuff in the old computer room which is going to be thew new kids room,(i'm due next month) and i found where my husband had ripped up our marriage certificate and destroyed our sons birth certificate and paper that had his birth foot prints from the hospital. He crossed out his name and put my maiden name because "if I divorce him, he doesn't want his name on the birth certificate because he will no longer be his father". What the heck does that mean?????????? He always says that If i leave I am a coldhearted feminazi who would take kids away from him because in his eyes, he doesn't believe in being in their lives anymore since "he is not the father anymore". He will have a new family to take care of and he wouldn't have time to take care of "my" kids. He also said he wouldn't be my "babysitter". I have to get a storage space just to put valuable thigns in because every time we fight, he destroys somethign invaluable. I can't have pictures in the house of anyone, he has destroyed numerous ones,cards, papers, I just don't know how I am going to do it or when I will get the nerve to do it but he is crazy and is someone i cannot reason with AT ALL. Occasional clarity is all I get.

-- posted by stress30

» psykowifey - To All Of You

In response to To All Of You posted by stress30:

Hello, I'm new & found you after doing a search for verbal abuse

7-12 years ago my previous relationship was abusive in every way & I escaped & went into hiding with my 3 daughters, did a degree, MA, then started my career.

Then after 6 yrs of being celibate, my current husband swept me off my feet - it seemed too good to be true & I put him off for a year saying I never wanted to be with another man ever. He is indian, I am white. He has a large, close-knit family - I have a tiny separated family - none of my family know about what I'm going through, I'm to ashamed to tell them its happening again

All was fine for a few years, then his father died and I agreed to have a son with my husband. Our son is now 2 1/2 & it has all changed. My husband says I am a inadequate wife, mother, lover & I am a slag for having children with another man. I cannot keep the house clean to his 'standards', he also destroys photos from my past, monitors everything I do & now says the children deserve him, but I do not & he will never leave them but he will have nothing to do with me - he has even said he will get sex elsewhere

He says I need to make more effort with his family - his mother hates me & cries every time she sees me & refuses to accept my daughters, only sending b'day cards/presents to my son. My husband says this is my fault

My job is very stressful (teacher) and every night he keeps me up critising me, yelling that I can't cook indian food/keep the house immaculate etc & I go to work the next day exhausted & in tears.

We combined savings to buy our house & live in the best neighbourhood ever with the kids going to great schools - I never want to move & love our house - but feel trapped.

my daughters are seeing their mother crushed emotionally by the man they call daddy

My plan now is to shut my mouth, clean as hard as I can constantly, try to cook his food, be the best mother I can to my kids, then when they have all got degrees and careers & left home - divorce him and force the sale of the house, then just be there for my children/grandchildren to come

any better ideas?

-- posted by psykowifey

» patsie2006 - To All Of You

In response to To All Of You posted by psykowifey:

Hi. I was just reading what you wrote and don't think your plan will work. It dosen't matter how much you clean and work hard. IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH. You will just end up burning yourself out and having a breakdown. This will be alot worse for your kids. I know it's hard because you feel alone and he has alot of family, but keep a diary, then go to a solicitor (without him knowing) and file for an injunction against him.
I am in the same situation as yours. You probably think 'Why is she still in the situation?' I helped my husband of 7 years fight for custody of his son, and I also have 3 children of my own.(age 7, 3 and 1.) My husband puts me down, criticises my cooking (apparently I always cook English food, and he is West Indian), I don't have sex with him enough, the house isn't clean enough so he goes around cleaning all day. The kids can't be kids. I went to a solicitor and to court last year, but they couldn't throw him out because of his son. If he was on his own, I would have been able to get rid of him. The most ironic thing is the boy who I fought so hard to get, makes mine and my kids lives hell aswell. The pair of them are like two army officers controlling the house.
In the beginning when I met my husband he moved into my home(council) and then his son 2 years later and now I can't even get my home back. He told me the other night that he will stay here to spite me!?!?!
I really don't know what goes on in these warped mens heads.
Please though, stay strong and fight back for you and your kids. I'm going to carry on fighting. It's either that or go mad and then my poor kids will be brought up by him.

-- posted by patsie2006

» psykowifey - To All Of You

In response to To All Of You posted by patsie2006:

thank you so much Patsie, just read what you wrote & it helps to hear that I'm not the only one going through this. I'm going to read it properly & post a proper reply. thinking of you.

-- posted by psykowifey

» carbysmom - I wish I could get away

My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 3 (I got pregnant) Ever since I can remember he's been putting me down. Always commenting on my intelligence or shall I say lack of, physical apperience(I'm over-weight) and behavior. He gets in these moods alot of times and just won't stop saying hurtful things to me. Always saying something about my nationality (i'm Italian he's german/Irish) how I'm not the superior race, how I gave my children bad genetics. He always tells me to leave says he doesn't love me, I'm lazy, good for nothing, stupid. How He Forgot more than I know. If I say I'm leaving he says that I cant take the kids. I'm afraid to say boo to him I'm always watching what I say, How I word things. He thinks he's gods gift to me, I hate him. I get sick just thinking about him. I'm always begging for forgivness for things I dont do wrong. I can't leave I have no where to go, no job. I'm only 24 and I feel like my life's over. I don't think I could do any better, I don't deserve any better. What guy would want me? I'm just a nobody, a stupid fat loser nobody. I wish I could get away from the king of the castle

-- posted by carbysmom

» mandy38 - To All Of You

In response to To All Of You posted by psykowifey:

I really cannot believe what I am hearing you say. So you think its better to let your daughters see some peice of work, so-called father, Mr. Wonderful, beat their mother down??? What do you think their husbands will be like? You live, what you learn. I think you need to re-read what you wrote and listen more precisely to what you wrote. Your husband sounds like a real JERK.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mandy38

-- posted by mandy38