Abuse

» MJ72 - a little update

In response to a little update posted by Fantasia78:
I ran across this board while looking for info on emotional and verbal abuse. Like you I've been living this nightmare, wondering if I asked for it, or caused it in some way. But, unlike you I feel I'm too old to get myself out of it, and what would I do if I did! I'm 72 years old, 73 next month, married to this man for almost 23 years. I don't think I could start over. When we married, I was pretty well off financially. He didn't have anything. He'd been through a bitter divorce and I even gave him money to help pay for his spousal support. We have living trusts set up which will take care of the inequality of our finances in the beginning, but we've co-mingled everything else. Divorce really seems out of the question.

This is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 25 years and ended due to the fact he was a control freak, plus we grew in separate ways and apart. But he never yelled at me or threatened me. And we're still friends.

I was sexually abused by my step-father from the time I was 3 until I grew old enough to get away from him. My mother was aware of it, but didn't do anything but put locks on my windows and bedroom door. He's been dead for years now, but she will still not talk about it. The one time I forced her to talk about it she said she couldn't do anything because she had my brother and I and couldn't have supported us if she left him. Did my life when I was young warp me in some way that now I'm attracting abuse. Although I'll never ever forget it, I think I've been able to put it behind me and live a fairly normal life.

In the beginning of our marriage, my husband was sweet and loving, although he did have a bad temper...and he knew it, he kept in under control. But after the first year, when some of the newness wore off, he would lose his temper with me, yelling and threatening me, but he never hit me. When I tried to get away from him, he would follow me. When I locked the bathroom door, he broke it down, and yelled "Don't ever lock a door on me again". These episodes were far and few between, but now they are escalating. He's lied to me many times, and when I caught him in the lie, he told me "don't ask me questions if you don't want me to lie to you". He goes to the neighborhood bar and drinks with his supposed friends, goes to the store and doesn't come home for 4 to 6 hours, and if I get upset about it he goes into one of his fits, and then blames me...I'm the cause of his anger. Last year he broke down the bedroom door because I was trying to get away from him. Recently, he blew up at me while I was cooking dinner. He cornered me by the stove and began calling me names, swearing at me, waving his fists as me as spit flew out of his mouth. There was a knife nearby and I was really afraid he would use it on me. Our dog came to the door and wanted in and he walked to the door to let him in, still yelling at me. I grabbed the phone and dialed 911. He took it away from me and slammed it down. The 911 operator called back and he picked it up and hung it up. They called again and he hung up again. I saw who it was on the caller ID and told him he'd better not hang up again. In the meantime they sent the police. They told me later it's a felony to interfere with a 911 call. He left and went to the bar. The police wanted me to put a restraining order on him, but I knew that would really make him mad. They filed a report and found him at the bar and made him stay away from home that night.

After these espisodes, he acts as though nothing has happened. If I want to talk, he doesn't...he wants sex, but I don't feel loving towards him and won't. That makes him mad. He won't go to a marriage counselor. I'm so depressed...all I do is cry. Any advice or help out there?

-- posted by MJ72

» somuchmore - whats wrong with me...why am i stuck????

wow...this is crazy. i can relate to so many things you all are saying. I just told my bf of a year and a half that its over - that im done with this relationship because he is constantly verbally abusive and critical of me.

he called me stupid and retard again, and i just blurted it out - its over. It's not that i regret it, but i am sad, and i dont know what to do. I know he wont change unless he realizes one day with deep remorse how wrong his abuse is. I know i will wake up tomorrow and miss him desperately - but i cannot keep living like this.

he has anger issues. he has never been physically abusive, but he is definately verbally and emotionally abusive. I have never had this type of treatment from any of my past bf's - and i have amazing friends and family. His family seems semi-normal as well and as far as i know - there is no abuse in his past...

we were friends first- i wasnt even into him...then i started to like him. he was great for the most part during this time. first couple months we dated were amazing...ever since then it has been one fight after another - with swearing, yelling, putdowns, belittling....and yet i still love this person...but i know i deserve so much better....

i guess i just need support. i know its stupid to try and change someone. we are both religious (diff. christian denominations) and i thought that maybe God could change him - only God....but I guess he has to be willing and humble to be changed - he constantly points the blame at me...i know im not perfect and have done things to hurt him too - but i know it doesnt justify him calling me names. i just wish he could talk normally without yelling or swearing. several times i have had to plug my ears because it is so loud.

my family and friends all want me to dump him on his ass. their approval and opinions are very important to me. i value them highly. My dad told me back in August that he prayed i would not go back to him(we broke up a couple times before)...but i did....

his brother died a few months ago (twin) and i was totally there for him - at the hospital every single day - even though i am near the end of my degree and had homework coming out of my ying yang. but he belittled me and says i make things worse for him. says if his brother was still here he would be hangin out with him and not going out with me...thanks...i feel awesome...he has said so many horrible cruel things to me. things i never thought i would ever put up with...but for some reason i have...and i know deep down i still want things to work out. i guess i would make excuses for him because he lost his brother. the abuse really escalated around this time...but the thing is....horrible tragic things happen all the time to ppl - and they dont all go around yelling, swearing and name calling.

the only thing he has not made fun of is my looks. that is the thing...i am young, on the brink of an excellent career, live on my own, basically im set...and i dont need this guy...why am i so stuck.....why is it so hard to leave...its like i have become desensitized to what he has done...so willing to forget the bad....but i know i cannot be with a person like this as a marriage partner....i am already suffering with tension headaches, cancelling shifts at work, and battling depression....and this isnt even marriage...

sorry, so long..thanks for listening...glad you all can understand. please pray.

-- posted by somuchmore

» DreamingFree21 - Abuse

I have only been married for 4 months and already, my husband is calling me names. He tells me what i can and cant do. He tells me i should not have any friends. He said that all of my time should be spent only with him. I dont understand. He dose not even like for me to go to my sisters house. I have a 1 year old doughter. I dont like for her to hear him say the things he dose to me. He dose not care. He has hit me one time. Im scared he will do it agin. I was in a bad abuseiv relationship before him. I got hit all the time and so many other hurtful things were done to me. I dont undrstand how i agin am with someone like this. I cant help to blame myself. Some say its not my falt others say it is. I dont know how to think or fill anymore. He makes it so hard to leve. I make it hard on my self i guess. he said that he will do whatever it tacks to not losse me he has said that over and over agin. I dont know what to do.

-- posted by DreamingFree21

» stress30 - me turning crazy now

Little update: My husband went to my family today and told them how I hit him and throw things and yell and scream at him all the time for stupid things. My family then came over and we fought in front of them and I started yelling and screaming and throwing things in front of them, i was out of control as i have been recenlty. I react to the things he has said and done that i lose my "crap" all the time now. I can't take it anymore and all I can do is yell. He seems more calm but underneath he manipulates his way into making anyone believe him and now my own family thinks I am the one who is crazy. They asked what he has done and i couldn't even pinpoint it. I couldn't give anything to them, i was speechless. There are so many things that he has said to me and done that I couldnt just think of one particular thing. Now i'm the one who is crazy and he is lovign every minute of this. I know i shouldn't react to him but i cannot help it, he makes me so mad, madder than i have ever ever been in my entire lfe.. He is making me crazy. This morning he got mad at me for not "wanting him", after i worked all night, (8 months pregnant and was in a lot of pain). He says I never want it anymore, How can he be this way when i am this pregnant and working nights and taking care of a toddler as well. He is extrememly selfish, that was this morning, then he got mad after he got home because there weren't any pictures of him up on the walls of my parents house (where he picked up our son), but there was a picture of my ex(my stepdad and him were best friends, they are the same age) I know that sounds weird but there is always something wrong and he uses my episodes of anger at him for the things he does to "show' how crazy I am to everyone else. Now the ball is in his court because i lose my "temper" with him. I guess teh people who are being verbal, mentally, and emotionally abused should just sit there and take it?? I had to send "proof" to my stepdad so they would believe me. I sent email exchanges that my husband and I had oon a night of one of our fights while i was at work, just to "prove" to him the things he says are crazy. You can't prove mental abuse, and that sucks. I dont know what to do now. He's got me exactly where he wants me now. he can use that against me for the rest of his life. Even though he is the king manipulator, i've never seen anything like it. He's so good that nobody can see it exept me. HELP?????!?!?!!

-- posted by stress30

» mandy38 - a little update

In response to a little update posted by MJ72:

To MJ72, Darlin I went through this with my husband and I finally had to get out. The name calling, breaking things in the house....doors, whatever was available. I really feel for you. There are always solutions to these problems but you have to be the bigger person, put your foot down and do what you say you are going to do. I moved out with my two boys and he is absolutely insane because he can't control me anymore. Yes, he's mad and still wants to see me and so on but, I control the situation now and IT FEELS SO GOOD. There has to be family or friends or someone you can go to, to get out and get help. Please don't live this way. And you remember one thing...YOU didn't do this, HE IS IN CONTROL OF HIS ACTIONS. Sounds to me like he needs some mental help. You take care of you and only you at this point in the game. Make a plan and stick to it.
In my thoughts-
Mandy38

-- posted by mandy38

» mandy38 - whats wrong with me...why am i stuck????

In response to whats wrong with me...why am i stuck???? posted by somuchmore:

To Somuchmore: Listen, first of all there's nothing wrong with you. As a matter of fact....It's not you at all. I went through this myself with my husband. He was a pain killer drug freak who lied to me about using. He has major anger issues such as beating doors in when we argue and I just need to get away from him. He has been catered to all his life by his mommy which I don't think helped out in the least. And guess what? I left his ass almost 4 months ago and I still love him too. There's nothing wrong with loving them, there is something wrong with not knowing when to let them go and get the help they so desperately need. I have been through drug re-hab with him, I have lost thousands of dollars due to his drug use, I have put up with name calling and being harrassed on the phone. I walked on eggshells around him. Guess who's kissing my ass now? Yeah, when a good thing is gone, they magically wake the hell up.
I am no angel and I never claimed to be but I do know that I don't have to put up with this an neither do my kids.
I still see him now and then and we are still legally married and still if things don't go his way, to this day, he flips out. I get up, get my stuff and leave. Know why? because I don't have to put up with his abuse anymore. He hates not having the control but, TOO BAD.
Let it go for now. If you truly mean anything to him...he will do some changing, you'll see.

Mandy38

-- posted by mandy38

» mandy38 - Abuse

In response to Abuse posted by DreamingFree21:

To DreamingFree21:
Why on earth would you marry someone like this? I know you probably love this man but,do you like being abused too? Please don't tell me this is your fault that he hits you and verbally abuses you and such, because that is simply not true and anyone who believes that needs major counseling. Listen to me, you deserve to be treated with respect and love and all the good things life has to offer. If it is like this now...spare yourself the agony of being tied to this man for many empty years and get out of this now. This behavior leads to more extreme abuse maybe even death. No one has the right to put their hands on you EVER. At least find a minister or counselor and talk to them.
Praying for you-
Mandy38

-- posted by mandy38

» somuchmore - whats wrong with me...why am i stuck????

In response to whats wrong with me...why am i stuck???? posted by mandy38:

Hi Mandy38,

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, it has been 2 days and I haven't cried too much but I have an urge to email him.....I just dont want us to be enemies...

My parents are extremely relieved this relationship has ended as they felt he treated me like dirt - and even witnessed it a couple of times. They say its a toxic, unhealthy relationship and I know they are right. Funny, yesterday my parents went to church and the sermon was on anger and specifically verbal abuse...my parents could not stop talking about how good the sermon was so they ordered the cd for me...maybe if the sermon is good and the church puts it online, i will post it for others so they can receive strength for their souls.

He hasnt tried contacting me. Its hard for me to believe he is going to wake up as he makes it seem like everything is my fault. He says he's tired of how i treat him too. I am in no way perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes in this relationship, but sometimes i think he makes up stuff that i do, and/or thinks the absolute worst of me. Many times I have said to him that i feel like he is crucifying me or making me feel like the daughter of satan. Thats how bad he has made me feel. And thats the thing...i might have done something little, but wow, he makes it soooo big and tries to make me feel so bad about it. That is why i find it hard to believe he is ever going to take responsibility for his behaviour and change.

One of the last things he said to me was something to do with my parents and his opinion on something and it was completely garbage and i refused his comments, and just said...whatever, i dont care what you think....and he said, good, then f*** off...thats when i said, ok...its over.

I had already said it was over previously in the day when he started yelling & swearing at me and calling me stupid and retard. Anyways, i am going to counselling again tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. I hate how i want to talk to him so bad, and yet a part of me doesnt want to at all. I dont think he will ever change or want me back unless he has deep conviction or remorse for his abuse...it would take a miracle i think - since he always tries to blame things on me....he is very critical of me, and i feel like the majority of the time we end up talking about what 'I' did wrong....

Anyways, sorry for blabbing on - just so good to know others understand (and unfortunate that so many of us are dealing with this).
I just wanted to leave a verse with you all. It reminds me of what I should be looking for in a man.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things there is no law" Galatians 5:22-23

This also helps me to aspire to better my own character because many times when he started getting mad at me - it would push me over the edge, and i would act in ways i am not proud of....so i just want to cut free from it...it is like a cancer this relationship...i need to excise the tumor.

-- posted by somuchmore

» dsoftball - Not sure what to think?

My husband and I married almost 3 months ago. He's changing day to day. When we got married he became more controlling. Not jealous or following me or anything like that but, definitely more controlling. He told me numerous times before we got married that he was going to stop smoking (pot) and even tried and did. Now that we are married he does it all of the time and I asked him why he tried to stop b4 we got married and now he smokes all the time and doesn't care how it makes me feel, he told me now we are married and I can c the true him. Also, he won't take responsibility for anything he does wrong, it is always my fault. If I try to talk about issues we have he says that I'm just trying to start an argument. Also, I can come home from work and if he feels like being touched or talked to then I can touch or talk to him but, if not and I try to he gets mean about me leaving him alone. I'm a church girl and he used to hold the cuss words in front of me. Now, he just lets them fly and even calls me whore and tells me to shut the f*c* up quite often. Last night we were watching a movie on 2 seperate couches (always snuggled during a movie b4 we got married), I asked him 2 come lay on the couch with me and he sayed he might get 2 comfy and fall asleep. Then, when it came time 2 go 2 bed he was extremely awake & ready for sex. I said no, I was too tired ( just hurt from him not snuggling w/ me). I told him he doesn't spend time with me like he did b4 we got married. I told him that I come home from work and try 2 talk 2 him but, he just watches T.V. or plays PS2, he said that I start talking 2 him while he is trying 2 watch something. I told him that I don't care about T.V. I've missed him all day and would like 2 talk 2 him. He said that I can talk to him on commercials. On Saturday, we got into an argument and he punched the steering wheel in our truck and broke it. A few minutes later he told me he wanted a divorce. Of course he didn't want a divorce, that was just so I would beg him not to leave and I did. Sunday turned out about the same way as Saturday, he said he was leaving for a while and I told him that I don't care what happens I was just tired of the arguing and asked him not to leave. He stayed. Yesterday, I felt like he was pushing his control limits a little. With a comment here or there about something I could or could not do. I'm worried now that he thinks he has a lot more control over me. Since I'm the one that asked him to stay. Any thoughts? Also, he made a comment about me calling and talking to my parents all of the time. I talk to my parents about twice a day at the most and it's usually not even when I'm with him. Any thoughts?
Additional Details

-- posted by dsoftball

» sag07 - a little update

In response to a little update posted by MJ72:
"I'm attracting abuse. Although I'll never ever forget it, I think I've been able to put it behind me and live a fairly normal life"
If you're reading this because of problems with someone you know now, the chances are excellent that one or both of your parents was a narcissist. Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way. Once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness and saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. If you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time,"
Yes, and I know that in your heart you know that answer too. Leave, get out of this controling and abusing relationship. I understand your age issue, but please ask yourself, Is it better to be dead, then along?
Being "bent" who is it that you are trying to get to love you and didn't your mother... You doubted her love for you, why? because she didn't leave her husband after telling her about the sexual abuse by his hands. She put locks on you door and windows yes, but it that stopping your husband? No, it doesn't!
"was sexually abused by my step-father from the time I was 3 until I grew old enough to get away from him."
MJ72, your stepfather was not the only person who abused you, Your mother did too, How? By not getting you out of that situlation, putting this sick person in prison and stopping your sexual abuse. You mother is the person who you are (yes, I know she might be dead) trying to love, because you do. But it's also the reason you find/get involve with controlling and toxic relationships.
That pattern has no doubt repeated it self over and over again in your life...
So I ask you again, Is it better to be dead, or is it better to be along, but alive, and maybe for the first time in your Life?
sag

-- posted by sag07