Abuse

» srob98 - Am I Horrible for wanting out?

I feel like a horrible person....I have asked my husband of 3 months to leave. He is emotionally abusive. I have spoken with 3 separate counselors, all three agreed that he has deep set emotional problems and is trying to control and manipulate me. Two of the counselors have stated that they thought it would eventually turn to physical abuse, although he really does not seem the type. Everyone thinks he is such a great guy...he even had my parents fooled. I'm 38, a mother of an 8 year old boy, and well educated. However, I fell so easily into his trap. We dated only for 4 months...a whirlwind romance, before we were married. The closer we came to the wedding, the more I began to worry, and actually tried to call it off, but he was so pitiful. He controls first by playing the martyr....poor me thing... Then, he becomes angry and says terrible and irrational things (like calling me a gold digger, even though I make a great deal more than he does). Over time, he has become increasingly jealous of my son, to the point that I felt uncomfortable showing my son too much affection around my husband....I could just see the disapproval in his eyes. He also has told me my clothing is too tight or too low cut and disrespectful to him...he has put down my friends and basically made them out to be horrible women, as if they are sluts and always drink too much....We are all teachers...not your typical slutty dressers or partiers. He really just hated me spending any time with them, and would be upset if I did. He had to go everywhere with me...my son's practice, to the grocery store, on a walk, even if I wanted to take a bath...my only "me" time that I have...he also always had to be the one to drive....and we could never just meet somewhere, he wanted me to come home so we could go together. At first I thought it was sweet that he cared so much, but soon it became weird...and I found myself not spending time with friends, dressing to please him, being careful about talking about any man (he was EXTREMELY jealous), and that sort of thing...it was like walking on eggshells all the time.

The worst part is, I found I was pregnant a few days after the wedding. I had extreme morning sickness, and this, of course, took my attention from him. He was understanding at first, but then began asking if I still wanted him around, over and over. Then he became angry that I hugged my son longer than him. I think he thought I was pretending to be sick so I didn't have to give him attention.... Finally, it all blew up one night, and he told me he wanted a divorce and that I needed to get an abortion. He did not just say this once, but a total of 4 times, even after we had seen an ultrasound, during which he acted SO excited. He went so far as to tell me I HAD to get an abortion, or I HAD to stay married to him. Before these comments, I had not mentioned divorce, but after the first time he said it, a light went on in my head, telling me this relationship was sick. I told him I would not get an abortion, but he would get his divorce. Now, he keeps asking me to work on the relationship for the baby's sake.... I told him we had to separate first, then he had to get help, then we would see from there. He will not move out, although he has not actually been home for 2 weeks, and was going away every weekend before that...never do I know where he is...

Still, I feel like a bad person for ending a marriage. I have to protect my son...he has said so many horrible things about the way I raise him (he is a straight A, happy, healthy child), and I have to protect myself and this unborn child. I have no feelings left for husband, at all. He is happy to play the poor, jilted husband (the worst part is, he works at my church...) He has basically told me that he would expose all kinds of things about me if I told anything about him.... Either way, I don't want to get him in trouble...that's not my aim...I just want out of this....do you think I am horrible?

-- posted by srob98

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» ajmsoul - Am I Horrible for wanting out?

In response to Am I Horrible for wanting out? posted by srob98:

Hi srob98,

NO! You are not horrible for wanting out, at all. It is never
easy to end a relationship regardless of the reason
or reasons.

While it is difficult and sad you need to know that what
you have done is the best and healthiest thing you can
do for yourself and for your son and your unborn baby.

What you have experienced so far and in such a short
marriage would likely only get worse. Getting out now
is better than later.

You are not horrible and it will take time to work through
all the feelings that you do have. Be kind and gentle
to yourself. You deserve to be respected and treated
fairly.

You are very brave and courageous and doing what
you need to do for you and your family. You do not
deserve to be treated that way - no one does.

Stick to your resolve, hold your new boundaries, take
care of yourself and keep working toward moving on,
recoverying and healing.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» srob98 - Am I Horrible for wanting out?

In response to Am I Horrible for wanting out? posted by ajmsoul:

A.J.,

Thank you so much. I know it seems ridiculous to feel badly about something that clearly HAS to be done, but the feeling is still there. However, I will not back down. To be honest, I could have written 3 pages of the problems in this short relationship. The more I research, the more I realize. I just hope I can maintain my sanity through it all...:)

-- posted by srob98

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» ajmsoul - Am I Horrible for wanting out?

In response to Am I Horrible for wanting out? posted by srob98:

srob98,

You are welcome

It isn't ridiculous to feel badly about anything. Validate your
feelings and continue to do that so that you keep yourself and your son and unborn child safe. What you are feeling is
not to be unexepected for what has happened to you and what you are going through.

Even what seems like an obvious decision or choice will
still leave anyone with many conficting feelings. Even in the case of abuse, when a relationship has to be ended there
is still grief and sadness.

Good for you that are researching and getting information.
Information and knowledge are empowerment.

Take care,
A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» ni0904 - Am I Horrible for wanting out?

In response to Am I Horrible for wanting out? posted by srob98:

I have been through the same thing and I wish I would have ended it at 3 months. It all started right before we got married about 2 1/2 years ago. I hoped and wished that it would get better. Believe me, it gets worse, and it does turn to physical abuse most of the time. Mine did. I didn't get beat up or get bruises, but that would have been better because other people would have seen it. If you stay in this type of relationship you will only hurt yourself. You will let him damage you emotionally, possibly go into a depression, or your child may get emotionally bruised. Don't feel bad about your decision. Don't let your husband play on your guilt feelings. If you pay attention to your feelings now you can avoid him dragging you down with him. Don't let your hopes for a happy marriage override your gut feelings. Pay attention to how you feel.
I waited too long, but I am in the process of starting divorce proceedings and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

-- posted by ni0904

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