Abuse

» flowersbythesea - Did my boyfriend abuse me?

My boyfriend and I were together for a little over a year and he was very good to me for about the first six months. We were in love and very close and he was completely different. He was usually very good to me but he made comments about my religous beliefs, and he didn't like that I recieved emails from a religous station (he thought they were too fundamentalist). One day I was a little shocked that he somehow got into my email account and deleted newsletters from them. He then went to their website and deleted me from their list and he reported them as spam. They certaintly weren't spam. I was shocked that he did that, but I thought he wasn't trying to be malicious, but he was trying to keep me safe from televangelists.
I started to gain a'lot of weight and at first he would make comments that hurt my feelings.As the months went by he wasn't as affectionate and he spent more time on the computer or with his friends. He barely touched me and I felt very bad about myself.
Last summer his cousin came into town and stayed with us, and my boyfriend started showing off, grabbing at my breasts in front of his cousin. He hadn't done that in front of other people before, it's one thing to be intimate in privacy, but I didn't want that in front of other people. Were having problems other than that innident. I moved out and got an apartment of my own, and my boyfriend and I were still together (we wanted to be healthier as a couple). A couple months ago we went to his brother's wedding reception and he was so good to me, and we were very happy for a few weeks. About a month later he held me all night and I felt so loved, and I hadn't felt that from him in a long time. His cousin was staying with him again, and when we woke up and still on the bed (from him holding me all night) my boyfriend started showing off in front of his cousin again. My boyfriend started lifting up my dress in front of his cousin, he lifted up past my waist and I was trying to get him off of me but I couldn't. He didn't rape me, but he humiliated me and disrespected me. I was hurt and shocked. I went into the bathroom to fix my hair and he came in with me. I told him I was hurt and asked him "Do you really think I feel loved when you did that? Who are you? I don't know who you are anymore." When we were about to leave for his to drive me home, he showed off in front of his cousin again and used his body to push me against the wall and joked: "I'm going to rape you". His cousin made a disgusting comment and I quickly ran down the stairs. He never treated me like that before. We were friends for many years and in a relationship together all year, and he was so different towards me. He was gentle and loving until then. He drove me home to my new apartment and in the car I tried to ask him why he did that and what is going on with him. He said to me "I don't want to talk to you if your just going to bitch." I tried to say something and he kept putting the music on louder and louder until it was deafening, when we got to my apartment he dropped me off and didn't look at me. I went into my apartment and as soon as I closed the door I cried. I took a bath and fell asleep for hours. A few days later I went to his apartment to talk to him, and his cousin and his girlfriend were there so I left. I haven't seen my ex-boyfriend since.
It's been two months and a half and I feel jaded and hurt. I can't really cry, it hasn't sunked in. Was this abuse?

-- posted by flowersbythesea

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» ajmsoul - Did my boyfriend abuse me?

In response to Did my boyfriend abuse me? posted by flowersbythesea:

Hi Flowersbythesea,

What you describe your boyfriend doing interfering with your email and trying to control what you believe, your faith, and/or your participation in that faith with the newsletters you were receiving is controlling and abusive.

Making the kind of comments you describe about your weight is unkind and can be verbal abuse. His behaviour in front of others and the ways he grabbed your breast and lifted your skirt etc is sexual harrassment to sexual abuse.

His demeaning you is also abusive. His using his body to push you against the wall was physical abuse. His threatening to rape you controlling intimidation and emotionally abusive.

Putting music on louder so that he didn't have to hear what you had to say is rude to say the least, and again, demeaning.

Yes! What you describe was abusive. It is likely in your best interest not to see him again. You may want to seek professional help to find out why you feel jaded by someone who abused you and treated you so poorly so that you do not end up with a new boyfriend who will also be abusive to you.

Often women who have been abused go through a series of abusive relationships. It is not the woman's fault but there are sometimes things about those who get abused that they need to focus on healing within themselves so that they do not end up in future abusive relationships.

I hope that you will think about getting some councelling to process this and to look at any issues from your childhood that may put you at risk in future.

Take care,
A.J. Mahari

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» Seye - Did my boyfriend abuse me?

In response to Did my boyfriend abuse me? posted by flowersbythesea:

Yes. Get away from him fast. Or stay away from him. This is how it begins and build into more serious abuse. I can give examples of my own story which began in a similar way and included instances of disrespect and abuse and "showing off to be the big man" in front of his cousin (must feel like he is not a good as his cousin and has to show off his being the big shot to the cousin. Please do not go back to him. I spent years in a situation that began like this and got worse and worse until it ended in near tragedy. I feared for my life for many years and am still not emotionally over what happened to me. Please do not continue with this man.

-- posted by Seye

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