Abuse

» freespirithealer - Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it?

I am a lesbian currently separated from my borderline girl friend. She is so mean with her words. She rages often and out of the blue.

I want to know is yelling and screaming at me, raging at me, abusive?

Also, do borderline really mean all that mean and hateful stuff they yell and scaream when they are in rages?

thanks
free

-- posted by freespirithealer

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» ajmsoul - Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it?

In response to Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it? posted by freespirithealer:

Hi Free,

Yes, yelling, screaming, and raging at someone is verbal and/or emotional abuse.

It's difficult to assess who means what and when in these types of situations. I believe that a great deal of what is yelled and screamed in a borderline rage has to do with someone from the borderline's past that they are re-experiencing after being triggered by something in their relationship.

It may well be that she doesn't mean to ascribe what she rages about feeling at you to you. It may well be about the past. Or, there could be some overlap between what she experiences (or preceives as her experience with you) and what she experienced in the past with a parent.

The point is, however, that she needs to learn how to not be abusive when she is triggered. She needs to learn that acting that way is what drives people away from her and that she is hurting you very much with the words she hurls at you and by the very fact that she is yelling and screaming.

I hope that you can talk to her about this and provide her with some insight when she is calm.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» angela9664 - Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it?

In response to Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it? posted by ajmsoul:

Thank god XMAS is over! My mom is a undx borderline and also an alcoholic. I need some specific assistance on how to respond to her. I am constantly defending myself to her and then feel like an emotional wreck afterwards. My sisters and I have told her how much her words hurt us and she appears to behave for awhile but it is short lived. I need some 'pat' responses that she may 'hear' better.

-- posted by angela9664

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» lanzana - Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it?

In response to Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it? posted by freespirithealer:

Hi
It just seems to me that when a person says something that hurts it's abusive.I'm a firm believer that everything can be said in a positive/nice way if the person needs to get their point across.

-- posted by lanzana

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» ajmsoul - Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it?

In response to Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it? posted by angela9664:

Hi there angela9664,

It sounds as if responding to her is part of the problem you encounter. Rather than look for "pat" responses that you think she might hear better how about taking some space when she is verbally abusive?

It's a difficult line to walk but any response when someone, especially with a personality disorder, is abusive, just feeds into their less than appropriate ways of doing and saying things.

Have you thought about what it might look like to take your power back in taking care of yourself and not continuing to expose yourself to your mother's verbal abuse?

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» ajmsoul - Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it?

In response to Nons abused by Borderlines - Do they mean it? posted by lanzana:

Hi lanzana,

You make a very valid point. And if we do put our thoughts or opinions across to someone else in a positive non-abusive way and they are not received perhaps then we have to think about why we continue to communicate with someone who is only hurting us and who cannot reciprocate that positive appropriate relating.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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