Abuse

» gemnjun - I thought he was into me and cared...

I met this guy about six months ago and everything was good and we moved in together. We hit a few rough spots but I thought that was all they were. He called me an "Idiot" at the dark park because I threw the ball in the dirt instead of off to the side in the grass. That was the first incident and I told him to not talk to me like that again. Well 6 months later those words seem to be flowing more freely from his mouth. The other day I turned on the heater and he came out from the back telling telling me to check the windows before I turn on the heat. I explained to him that the windows should not be open anyways when it is cold outside. He went on to tell me to stop explaining myself and that he was just making a statement. Then he told me to "just accept that I am stupid and a moron." As I walked out of the room I said to him that I hoped he felt better about himself. The next day I felt really down on myself and started thinking that maybe I was stupid (mind you I have a steady job, I pay for the bills and I am the one with the degree).
This is our typical day: He kisses me goodbye everymorning before he leaves for work and we kiss each other hello after a day at work(If I forget to kiss him he will ask why I didn't kiss him in a sincere way). Then for the next three hours I am busting my bit to get dinner made and then after dinner sit in silence as he watches tv and does not want to be bothered with me and answer my stupid questions. We go to bed and he holds me tight as though he really means it. I don't understand how can someone hold you and kiss you, but still treat you like crap.

-- posted by gemnjun

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» ajmsoul - I thought he was into me and cared...

In response to I thought he was into me and cared... posted by gemnjun:

Hi gemnjun,

Perhaps rather than wonder how he can do what he does, you would benefit from thinking more about what you need to do.

You do not sound happy about how you are being treated, quite understandably. Name-calling is verbal abuse. His dismissive and controlling style of relating to you is emotionally abusive. He sounds controlling.

There are warning signs there that you describe that indicate he may be more abusive in future.

Do you see that there is a pattern there?

Is his holding you tight about how he feels for you or is it about what he "needs"?

People can kiss others and hold them and then ignore them when watching tv and put down the way they do and say things because they are all about themselves.

You need to decide if you want more than to be treated, as you describe it, "like crap". No one deserves to be treated like crap.

I hope that you will take care of yourself. There are men out there who would not treat you like crap and who would treat you kindly and with respect.

I hope that you decide that is how you would rather be treated.

We cannot change others. We can only make changes in ourselves. If you don't want to be talked to and treated in the ways you are by this man and you set that boundary and he can't meet it, then perhaps you aren't with someone who is capable of actual love and intimacy?

Take care,
A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» cam_cam - I thought he was into me and cared...

In response to I thought he was into me and cared... posted by gemnjun:
Someone can hold you tight and kiss you and hug you..when THEY want to. Have you noticed it is only when he wants to? But when you want to, he is dismissive and impatient, even so much as intolerant? Does he sigh really loud, turn away from you or start an argument? How about the words, "not now!" or even, "you're so clingy". he sounds to me to be the kind of guy that wants you to clean for him and cook for him and basically be at his beck and call but not return it. he is selfish, girl, plain and simple. And guys like that don't change. I ran into that a while back. I was married to a guy who for all intensive purposes seemed to be my soulmate. It was perfect and then something happened. I would clean his house all day and do laundry, prepare a great dinner, and bring it to him at work. Thank you's did not happen letalone he noticing that his apartment was imaculate when he got home from work. Nothing. he was selfish and mean too! You name it, he said it. and the final straw being when he told me, "it is a good thing we don't have children because they would have shaken baby syndrom" I had to call it quits after that. he wasn't going to change and i had already lost a lot of my self esteem trying to change for him. I had gotten to the point where nothing I did was good enough and everything i said only served to piss him off. Girl, he is not going to change. Face it, he wants you when he wants you.....he is selfish, and what YOU want doesn't matter. the longer you stay with him, the more he thinks he has a grip around you. the longer you stay the more he will abuse and the cycle will never end.

-- posted by cam_cam

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» sag07 - I thought he was into me and cared...

In response to I thought he was into me and cared... posted by gemnjun:
All I can say is please get out of this toxic relationship before it's too late! I had a relationship with a (didn't know at the time) NPD. She used verbal abuse on me daily. When talking to me, she would only talk "at me". You did that!, you do this, you need to change, which I did. But nothing changed in our relationship because she believed she didn't have to change, nothing was wrong with her. It was all my fault. This went on for 17 years, because we had children and I couldn't leave them, I beg, cry and wanted to marry her, but she refuse my offer over and over again. I knew (in Illinois) in this state that if you have children and are not married. The court will give sole custody to the mother. This might have been the reason she refused to marry me. Well, after 17 years of abuse, she left us! Leaving my two children and I in May of 2006. Can't say, I sorry about that because I am not! I, my children and family, all had enough of her maddness. We are now in NC (no contact) with her! In short, get out before you have children with this loser..

-- posted by sag07

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» magictouch - I thought he was into me and cared...

In response to I thought he was into me and cared... posted by gemnjun:

Hi,

Focus on how you feel and do not disregard your feelings.Your feelings ar not silly.

When I read your post, I could relate to a few things you mentioned.
My x called me an 'idiot' too, just because I did not sit where he wanted me to sit. I felt so horrible when he called me that and decided to be myself and show him I was hurt.I teared.He said I was being over sensitive.
When I looked back at my past relationship, 4 years with another guy who was not abusive at all, there were times when he would joke around and say ' silly girl', but it never hurt at all.
That's when I knew I was not being over sensitive.My x might have just said 'you idiot' but those words came with poison from his own scars and fears.
My x would also have the habit of asking me 'where is my kiss?'...sometimes if I got into the car and I had a bad day, I would rattle off about work, and if I did not kiss him, he would be sulky or if I kissed him abit later, he'd say the moment has passed! I am ALWAYS THE one who leans forward to give him the quick peck when I get into the car!

He is also very started becoming very detached emotionally when we watched tv.

When he slept, he would hold me soooo tight, I would not be able to sleep!He'd be snoring his head off!

Take heed of what A.J said, she explained why he does what he does very clearly.

Everyday is still a battle for me to forget about him, but I know made the right decision because I deserve a man who will treat me with respect and love.

The most important feelings are your feelings.Honour your feelings and pay attention to them.Respect you feelings and listen to them.:-)

Have a magical journey,
magictouch

-- posted by magictouch

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