Abuse

» sag07 - My sons stepmother

In response to My sons stepmother posted by aschultzagain:

aschultzagain

First. Your ex has joint custody, not the stepmother. So, don't allow your son to ever, ever be along with her again! This person is sick, personality disorder! Protect your son from her. Tell your ex this, and if it happens again that you will get a RO (restraining order on her!). She had no right to speak to your child like this! Question, did your son tell his father about this event? Please never allow this to happen again to your son....

-- posted by sag07

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» dvasquez - still surviving....talking helps

Hello....this is the first time that I have tried to get in a discussion group...

My story: I have been married for 16 years..soon to be 17. My husband is very abusive...at times. I know; abuse is abuse. It has been worse...the abuse lately has been bad (verbal, physical, emotional, financial, etc.) but it was worse. The physical was really bad - the kind where a stupid person like me makes up excuses like, my son and I were playing catch and I got hit accidently. Or where you couldn't go anywhere for a couple of days - too sore. At this moment, the verbal part is the worse thing - the kind where he gets nose to nose while calling you names....(I'm 5'4 and he's 6'2)...or he destroys my things...like my favorite dishes or anything that I like or is mine. I moved once-out of state. My husband promised me the world and that things would be better....we would go to counseling, etc. That lasted 24 hours until I got the response "I am the wasy I am, and you need to deal with it". Well that was that. I have a step-son. always told myself that as soon as he was old enough, I would leave...I didn't want him to stay with his dad (his dad might turn his anger on him if I am gone), and my step-son's mom is also abuse, emotionally. She always tried to use guilt to get my son to do things for her. he tries to stay away from her. When I left the state (7 years ago)...I had a hard time leaving him...but my family insisted I go...especially after having to take me to the hospital. Well after returning and making them angry at my for the decision....my mom didn't talk to me for a few months....I feel to stupid to ask for help now....they won't say no --- but I just can't. I have four kids from age 19 - 7 years old. I love them all. My husband is a great father to them --- he takes his anger out on me only. Dotes on them. I am scared that if I leave - my daughter will want to stay with her dad...she doesn't want to move. All of my kids know how he treats me (I have had a black eye) and they hear the names he calls me....but they ignore it. All he has to do is say "Come on kids, do you want to go out to eat (movies, etc.)" and while I cry in my room - they all get excited about going somewhere and they leave.....he is the best dad...to them.

My daughter is 14...she "would" choose to stay with her dad - he gives her money, lets her do whatever, etc. I am the one who does the parenting in our house, and the disciplining. He tell me to do it (grounds my kids and "you better tell her/him _______"). He tells me that I better tell them this and that, and always, always, it ends up being my fault - whatever it was that they did- becuase I wasn't watching them or checking on their grades good enough.....I get after them..and then 5 mins later....he is laughing with them or wrestling with them ---- and I am the mean parent.....always ends up like that. I am not sure what to do. I know I need to leave...but I am scared of losing my children.....to their great dad. They already treat our fights/arguments like it is nothing...I will be the bad guy that they end up hating. Any suggestions?

-- posted by dvasquez

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» ajmsoul - Re:Emotional and Verbal Abuse by my husband.

In response to Re:Emotional and Verbal Abuse by my husband. posted by ConfusedMom2006:

Hi Tina,

I think that you need to find support, keep talking to friends and family and take care of yourself as you yourself have pointed out.

You can't change him and it makes sense that you do not love someone who is abusing you.

Can you get a counsellor yourself to help you make the transition from this abusive relationship to leaving and perhaps you will benefit from looking at this pattern so that you can make sure you do not end up in another abusive relationship?

It is important to get help, have support and to create an action plan that you can follow through on.

Good for you for being so aware of what you want and what you don't want.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» nickinerdface - I hope I'm doing this right.

I'm not married, and nor do I have any children. In fact, I'm actually the oldest daughter of a woman who is in an emotionally abusive relationship and refuses to do anything about it. I'm only seventeen years old. My dad and I have never been that close, and as soon as I became a teenager, things started to go downhill from that. When I was younger, my dad and I were okay, because I was naive, and I didn't realize how bad things were between my parents when I was that little. My dad constantly puts me down, and calls me names, and has even been known to slap me around a few times whenever I do something he doesn't agree with. He's gotten onto me about my clothes before, and the way I choose to carry myself, and I realize the reason he does this to me, is because he can't do it to my mother. He can't slap her around because she's a grown woman, and by law, she can do something about it. The abuse has moved from my mother to me, and although most of the yelling and name-calling focuses around me in these last four years, my dad delivers the harshest emotional abuse to her. He calls her white trash, and has been known to even call her a "dumb piece of shit" (if I may), and told her she was too stupid to balance her own checkbook. He's constantly bickering about me to her, and tells her that their lives would be so much better if I was sent away somewhere. He blames the reasons why their marriage can't work out on me.

I've gone to my mom and told her how I felt. I've had the police called on me five times this pass year because I don't sit down and take it like my mom does. I can't just sit there and let him call me those names, and let him slap me around, and not do anything about it. If I can't do anything by law, I can at least defend myself, right? I know I may not have gone about defending myself right sometimes, but I don't know what else to do. My mom told me at the beginning of November in 2006 that she was going to call a lawyer and get a divorce, but now that's in 2007, she still hasn't made that call. Since then, I've been stuck in my room day in and day out, trapped in here because I'm too scared to go out in the living room when my dad gets home in fear that another fight'll happen.

I'm sorry if this sounds overly melodramatic and movie-like. I just don't know what to do, and my friends all say the same thing. "Talk to her!" "Get out of there!" "Why doesn't she just leave?" "I'm sorry, that sucks. Your dad's an asshole." I've tried everything I can possibly think of to try to talk to my mother. I've written her notes, and she's written me back. I've sat down and talked with her about how horrible things are here for the both of us, but she still won't do anything about it. She won't even look into anything anymore. There's still so much to tell, but I've already written you guys a novel. Please, I am in desperate need of advice. Any kind would be incredibly helpful.

-- posted by nickinerdface

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» dvasquez - I hope I'm doing this right.

In response to I hope I'm doing this right. posted by nickinerdface:

Hello nickinerdface, you mentioned that you were to oldest of the children. How many siblings do your have? Has your dad started to take things out on them also? Are you still in school? If so, you can talk to your counselor at school. They have mentors that can help. I am a mentor at the high schools where I live for pregnant young teens. Believe me --- it helps. I think that it is therapy for my feelings and it helps me in dealing with my own daughter -- I learn about all the NEW peer pressures that teens are facing today. I joined this discussion group in hopes to help myself....but I guess that I am always helping others...one day someone will help me too. If you are not in school and there are no counselors...let me know. I would be glad to help you out....talk, maybe help you try to sort through your options....as silly as it will sound....I have been a Paralegal for over 10 years...I can try to let you know of other options....(What state to you live in?)

-- posted by dvasquez

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» txwife - need someone to talk to

In response to need someone to talk to posted by stress30:

I've always thought that I may be a victim of verbal abuse but am now ready to admit it. After yesterday's attack, I know it. It started out with us discussing our feelings and then escalated into him calling me names in profanity. This happened just a few days ago and then after 24 hours, he couldn't say enough nice things about me i.e. "you're a great wife" "you're beautiful" "you're a wonderful mother" "I'm so glad I married you". Now he's told me I'm on the edge of his divorcing me as of last night. I don't get it. It's a constant roller coaster of emotions. When he starts screaming obscenities & demeaning statements, I back down in a corner and don't respond. I just let him vent which sometimes last for hours. If I try to leave in my car, he tells me to go see my boyfriend, or to not ever come back. Then my cell phone starts ringing & he doesn't leave me alone. I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself to leave him but I do love him, and I don't even know why! I am 47 years old and on my second marriage so I don't want this one to fail. I just lost my 86 year old mother 2 months ago so I have no one to talk to. I suppose I need to seek counseling but can't afford it. Does anyone have any suggestions?

-- posted by txwife

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» dvasquez - need someone to talk to

In response to need someone to talk to posted by txwife:

TXWIFE:
Hi.....sounds familiar to me....so don't think that it only happens to you. Their are worse things than a failed second marriage....but I do know where you are coming from....I hate the thought of being a statistic myself (I married at 17)...it is very depressing....Was your first marriage abusive? The only reason I ask is because...usually if the 1st marriage is abusive...the percentage rate on the 2nd marriage ending the same way is high. Scary. You do have options....you can call you local Woman's Shelter and just speak with someone....they do offer outside counseling free...I would do this, except that I used to work at the shelter and know several people that work their...nosy ones. But you can go or call any shelter...on outside of your county if you need to....it will help. Or you can just write in this blog. and hopefully we can help. God bless...keep your strengh up. D

-- posted by dvasquez

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» txwife - need someone to talk to

In response to need someone to talk to posted by dvasquez:

Thanks for the advice. Yes, my first marriage was "difficult" but not to the extreme. My 1st husband had a problem with drinking but I put up with it for 19 years. As I look back now, husband #1 was a saint compared to this one. Somehow I feel like God is punishing me for breaking up my family. But then in my heart, I know that's not true. He yelled at me again last night but not to the extreme of the previous day. I am going to call the women's shelter in my town today and talk to someone before I make any decisions. I just don't understand how he can go from the most loving man to the devil himself in .02 seconds. Thank you again for responding. It's a lonely feeling when you see other couples out together smiling & enjoying each other and you wonder what you did to deserve what you have.

-- posted by txwife

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» dvasquez - need someone to talk to

In response to need someone to talk to posted by txwife:

I am glad that you have decided to try calling the Women's Shelter for assistance. Even if you decide to stay with your husband....you will still need someone to talk to. I feel the same way (about seeing other couples smiling and happy) but remember....it could be as real as the smile others see on your face when you are with your husband during one of the good days. Remember..the problem is his (temper) not yours....talking just helps you to understand this. God Bless.

-- posted by dvasquez

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» nickinerdface - I hope I'm doing this right.

In response to I hope I'm doing this right. posted by dvasquez:
I'm sorry it took me so long to reply to you. I have a younger sister that he absolutely adores. It's just me and my younger sister. I'm not currently in school, no. I've been out of school for three months now, and the reasons for my withdrawal from public school have a lot to do with my family life. I have been trying to get back into school, but I just haven't been able to.

-- posted by nickinerdface

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