Abuse

» dvasquez - still surviving....talking helps

Hello....this is the first time that I have tried to get in a discussion group...

My story: I have been married for 16 years..soon to be 17. My husband is very abusive...at times. I know; abuse is abuse. It has been worse...the abuse lately has been bad (verbal, physical, emotional, financial, etc.) but it was worse. The physical was really bad - the kind where a stupid person like me makes up excuses like, my son and I were playing catch and I got hit accidently. Or where you couldn't go anywhere for a couple of days - too sore. At this moment, the verbal part is the worse thing - the kind where he gets nose to nose while calling you names....(I'm 5'4 and he's 6'2)...or he destroys my things...like my favorite dishes or anything that I like or is mine. I moved once-out of state. My husband promised me the world and that things would be better....we would go to counseling, etc. That lasted 24 hours until I got the response "I am the wasy I am, and you need to deal with it". Well that was that. I have a step-son. always told myself that as soon as he was old enough, I would leave...I didn't want him to stay with his dad (his dad might turn his anger on him if I am gone), and my step-son's mom is also abuse, emotionally. She always tried to use guilt to get my son to do things for her. he tries to stay away from her. When I left the state (7 years ago)...I had a hard time leaving him...but my family insisted I go...especially after having to take me to the hospital. Well after returning and making them angry at my for the decision....my mom didn't talk to me for a few months....I feel to stupid to ask for help now....they won't say no --- but I just can't. I have four kids from age 19 - 7 years old. I love them all. My husband is a great father to them --- he takes his anger out on me only. Dotes on them. I am scared that if I leave - my daughter will want to stay with her dad...she doesn't want to move. All of my kids know how he treats me (I have had a black eye) and they hear the names he calls me....but they ignore it. All he has to do is say "Come on kids, do you want to go out to eat (movies, etc.)" and while I cry in my room - they all get excited about going somewhere and they leave.....he is the best dad...to them.

My daughter is 14...she "would" choose to stay with her dad - he gives her money, lets her do whatever, etc. I am the one who does the parenting in our house, and the disciplining. He tell me to do it (grounds my kids and "you better tell her/him _______"). He tells me that I better tell them this and that, and always, always, it ends up being my fault - whatever it was that they did- becuase I wasn't watching them or checking on their grades good enough.....I get after them..and then 5 mins later....he is laughing with them or wrestling with them ---- and I am the mean parent.....always ends up like that. I am not sure what to do. I know I need to leave...but I am scared of losing my children.....to their great dad. They already treat our fights/arguments like it is nothing...I will be the bad guy that they end up hating. Any suggestions?

-- posted by dvasquez