Abuse

» frequency - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by iamback:

sorry to hear that, but before i can give my comment on your situation, i'd really appreciate if you could give us a couple of examples of how/what he did and what exactly you did which might have triggered his reaction. on the other hand, please also explain the 'control' you are referring to. and if we all wanted to hear something really confusing and ask ourselves 'who is actually telling the truth here', i bet it would really be also interesting to hear your husband's part of the story.

-- posted by frequency

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Lotta1003 - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by iamback:

Dear iamback,

I was touched by what you wrote. My situation is similar. I am not yet divorced, I am still living with him as well. So you know, that there is a lot for me to do and how hard it is.
I have a question: you wrote your husband didn't work for over 2 years. Neither has mine. I am interested in hearing how you think this fits in with the verbal and controlling behaviour. I am out of my mind that he tells me he is looking for a job, but I do not see anything happening. My husband is well educated. This is a major, major problem in our relationship and he refuses to discuss the effects of this, with me.
He gets angry, walks away and just ends the discussion. Is he doing this to control the situation - if so - in what way? Lotta

-- posted by Lotta1003

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» iamback - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by frequency:

Dear Frequency,

I'm not sure if you've had an opportunity to read all of the information I've already posted about my relationships. So I'll try to summarize as best I can some of the issues.

My first husband had an affair with a woman while my two step sons listened in the next room -- I'm not sure what part I could have played in that situation.

My second husband chose not to work for nearly 3 years and secured credit cards with ten thousand dollar credit limits, --which he charged to the balance limits. He avoided paying back taxes, from before we met-- to the outstanding balance of 30 thousand dollars, which I helped him pay back. He yelled and screamed whenever he was questioned about bounced checks and overdrafts fees, he cursed at me and even went so far as to curse and swear at God, Jesus and the devil. On several ocasssions he has cornered me and yelled and screamed several inches from my face. He has charged towards me and pressed his body against me while he yelled and screamed -- those are just a few accounts of what I mean about abuse and control. After experiencing this types of outburst, I tried to avoid saying or doing anything that would provoke him -- then he complained that I was acting like I was afraid of him -- I was too timid and that made him angry so he yelled some more. Again, I'm not sure what part I could have played in his decision to behave this way.

While you are correct when you state my husbands' accounts would perhaps be very different from my own, you might also be surprised to hear that both men have since apologized for their behavior and stated that they wish they could some how change their behavior towards me during our marriage(s). My second husband made a public apology in church as recently as this past weekend, stating that he realizes that he took advantage of my kindness and treated me cruely for no other reason than it made him feel better about himself and more in control. He shared with my step daughter that he is trying to work on himself and is trying to find out what makes him act as he does.

I hope this helps you with your ability to make your comments.

-- posted by iamback

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» iamback - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by Lotta1003:

Hi Lotta,

To be perfectly honest with you, I'm not sure how the "not working" fits into the controlling and verbally abusive behavior. My husband is also very intelligent, he actually read physics books for entertainment!

However, he seemed to have a lot of self-esteem and confidence issues. On the rare ocassions that he did talk to me about his feelings, he expressed concern about getting too old to compete with the younger sector, but within several hours or even minutes he returned to his usual "arrogant" self. Perhaps this was his way of dealing with his feelings of inadequacy -- I don't know, because he never specifically shared this information with me. He often talked about how other people were not up to par.

I will tell you this-- his father is very intelligent as well, but he actually use to compete with his son. As a kid, I'm sure this must have been quite difficult for a kid to endure, especially through the teenage years. My father-in-law, I believe, is narcassitic -- but I'm no psychologist. My husband's paternal father's mom had some type of depression and/or mental illness and his father's brother was eventually diagnosed as bi-polar. My husband only shared this information with me several years ago. So my husband's issues may also include depression and a bit of mental illness as well.

During our marriage we agreed that he might benefit from counseling, but he never went through with securing any services. At one point, I actually dug out my DSM-IV manual and searched for a diagnosis for him -- the nearest one that seemed to fit his behavior was (is) avoidant personality type -- but again, I'm no psychologist.

I do believe that his not working allowed him a lot more time to make sure I wasn't able to do more than we were financially able to afford and this very much helped control how much I was able to achieve -- it allowed him greater control in managing how much "competition" I would become.

Also, he made subtle derogative statments about my "little 4.0 GPA" and the type of classes I took being very "easy" classes, but his classes were a lot more challenging than mine. When I was working on an advanced degree, the computer mysteriously "broke down" or crashed whenever I had a report deadline looming ahead. Eventually, I started staying late and working on my projects after work. The computer didn't crash one time during those 2 1/2 years.

So to answer your question, most of my thoughts are at best supposition. Please let me know if any of my experiences seem similar to your situation.

-- posted by iamback

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Lotta1003 - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by iamback:

Hi!
I am so glad to hear from you. Your experiences seems very similar to mine.I believe my husband suffers seriously from self-esteem and confidence issues. I am so sad about our situation. He has a MBA in Business and a law degree from an Ivy League university. My husband lived with me in my country for eight years. I always thougt, that he did not get a good job because there were cultural and language problems. He did teach for a while, but then that job ended. He did some management consulting, but thats it. More or less, I worked and brought in the money for a lot of years. He contributed from his saving. Now we are here in the US. We have been here for a year. I believed, that once we came back here, he would be "up and going" instead he has been at home all the time. He says he is posting his CV on the internet on job sites, but not one interview, not one response. He blaims it on me - my lack of support and interest - and my daughter. We are "high maintenace" and my daughter is not behaving, so it leavs him depressed and exhausted, he says.
He is now almost through his savings. I sold my house that I owned before we moved here. I am terrified, that he plan to continue to let me support him.
His brother is successful and his parents worked hard, at least his mother. I am devistated that he is not taking our re establing here in the US seriously. I am thinking of moving out from our rental home, to show him that I am serious about my concerns. He needs to show in action that he is taking his share of the responsibilities. You wrote, that your husband got a job after you left. That left me thinking about my own situation.
Thank you for sharing with me.
Best,
Lotta

-- posted by Lotta1003

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» abby1966 - Am I crazy?

I have been dating a man for the last 4 years who continuously puts me down. I can never seem to do anything right. While at times, he can be great and easy to get along with - other times its like Jekyll and Hyde. For example, I am ADHD and was on medication for that - he said that I didn't need medication that medication was for weak people and obviously I was a very weak person. He can be fine one minute and then the next minute he is just going verbally going off with the sharpest tongue you have ever seen. Another example, I was washing dishes at his house one night and he came up to the sink and grabbed the dish and said that I wasn't doing it right. Another time, I was taking some clothes out of the dryer and he came and told me that I was not folding the clothes correctly. When I tell him that I don't feel as if I can ever do anything good enough for him - he tells me that I'm just a very insecure person and that I need help. When I try and tell him about these things that bother me he will change the subject and act like it never happened or that he ever said that. When I cry because it hurts my feelings he tells me that I am too sensitive and that I need to be thick skinned like he is. I even went and talked to a therapist and his reaction was well thats so funny that you would pay someone to talk to and you want talk to me. I've tried to talk to him believe me he just refuses to listen and tells me that I'm crazy. He constantly makes remarks to me like maybe you need to see if you can date your shrink. Everyweek after my appt. with the doctor he'll say are you normal yet or when are you going to reach normalcy? Jan. 20th was my birthday and we went out. He wanted to dance and I didn't want to because it was so crowded. He told me that if I didn't dance then he was done with me. I didn't end up dancing. When we got back to his house it was midnight and I live an hour away. He took and threw my gifts out onto the porch. Then he kept on saying "Can I get you some water - maybe you need to take another pill?" I started to cry and was very upset too upset to get in a car and drive at that time of night. I sat on the couch and he said I'm going to bed, you can sit there as long as you want but I wouldn't give you water/foor and when you die I'll just drag you out onto the porch. When I finally regained my composure I drove home crying all the way. He never apologizes for anything he says - he'll just act like nothing happened. Tonight, I was talking to him and he had acted fine yesterday, today very rude and saying things like maybe you need to call your S H R I N K! I need to date someone who is normal and doesn't love drama (he refers to drama if I even speak about anyone or anything) but he talks about his brother and his wife every day and every thing that they are not doing that they should be doing, but when I say well isn't this drama also according to you - he says I don't talk about them (you must be crazy). I've confronted him before about the way in which he speaks to me and is always putting me down and he always tells me that I am a very insecure person who has a very low self-esteem. I'm not a stupid person I have 2 undergrads and a masters but he has made me believe that I'm crazy and a total loser. I do love him, I don't know why and I wish that I could just turn off my feelings for him. Everytime, that I get up my courage to not return his calls for a day or two, he will call or either e-mail me and act like nothing is wrong and I always fall back into that same old trap. One day he's asking me to move in with him and the next day he's saying I'm crazy, etc. He says that when I get upset and cry that I am being manipulative (I'm not that way at all I cry because it hurts when someone is saying things like that about you). I just turned 41 years old and he just turned 54. We both have been married in the past and are divorced - neither one of us have kids. He always said that his ex-wife cried all the time - I wonder if he said things to her like this? Please someone out tell me that I'm not crazy and how do you get over someone that you love saying these things to you and going on with your life? People just say move on, but its not that easy.

-- posted by abby1966

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» iamback - Am I crazy?

In response to Am I crazy? posted by abby1966:

Dearest Abby 1966,

So far, the best thing you have said about your situation is that you are not married to this guy -- yet. Neither of my husbands were as forthcoming as your boy friend has been with his behavior, before we married. Believe me, what you are now experiencing is only the tip of the iceberge. If you choose to continue your relationship with this man or God forbid, marry him --you will experience even greater episodes of abuse.

NO, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! Four years is a long time to have been brain washed by regular put downs.

My husband use to regularly tell me that I didn't load the diswasher properly. This always intrigued me, because -- not one time did I ever witness him unload the dishwasher -- so I was at a complete loss as to how he knew the dishes were or were not clean. I actually, use to show him that the dishes were in fact clean, after the cycle ended. His responses were "you must have rinsed the dishes first" or he would say "you always have to be right."

If it were not for my counselor, I think I would have landed in a psychiatric facility some where. A lot of the abuse I experienced from my husbands were cloaked under the guise of genuine concern "I'm only telling you this for your own good, because I care about you -- I'm not trying to hurt you, or I just want you to be informed" -- these statements came after some rude or scarcstic remark such as "You know you really go over board about being on time, alot of old people are obsessed with getting to places on time or you think every time I say some thing about you that doesn't say you're perfect, I'm acting like your father."

For years, I really thought I was projecting my feelings from my childhood experiences onto my husband. I remember thinking he (my husband) acts just like Dad did, but he (my husband) never had a chemical dependency issue. So it must be me who is projecting this stuff from my past onto him (my husband). Well seven years into my marriage, my husband finally told me that he had been addicted to cocaine -- I was stunned, all those years I thought I was imagining and/or projecting my Dad's behavior onto him -- turns out I was right, he was behaving has someone who had had a chemical addiction.

Talking to other people who have had similar experiences and learning that there are specific characteristics of abusers helped me a lot. When you are able to share your story and experiences with others, it lets you realize that you are not alone in the world experiencing this stuff all by yourself. It also helps you stand up for yourself.

Your boy friend seems to be aware of how much more independent you are becoming --now that you are going through counseling. He probably sees that he is loosing control over "controlling" you --so you probably need to keep going to your counselor.

I do not believe in telling people what they should and should not do -- particularly in matters of the heart, but in your case -- I think I will make an exception - Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction from this guy as soon as possible! Make sure that you get some people who will encourage and support you. You can contact some local co-dependency groups, your counselor can help you find this information.

When you love some one who hurts you it is very confusing. I still am very concerned about my husband, but I am realizing that if I have to choose between my mental health and his -- I would be a fool to choose his mental health over mine. Years and even several months ago, I would have told myself that I was being selfish -- thinking about myself and not him, but now I know I am loving myself and setting boundaries as to what is best for me.

Please, please, pleas take care of yourself.

-- posted by iamback

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» iamback - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by Lotta1003:

Hi Lotta1003,

I'm glad my experience helped you a bit. Before my husband and I got married, he told me he felt he couldn't depend on me for emotional support. I remember asking him what he needed from me that I wasn't doing or giving him -- he responded by telling me if he had to tell me what I should be doing, then it wouldn't be sincere. So I read every book I could find on being supportive.

A month before our tenth wedding anniversary as I was about to leave for work, my husband told me, "You know, I have never been able to depend on you for emotional support. The financial part, yeah you do that, put the emotional you have never done. You know I've always known what you needed from me emotionally, but since you didn't give me what I needed, I decided I wouldn't you what you needed." I was so shocked, I remember beginning my breathing exercises, to ward off an asthma attack. When he saw the severity of my reaction, he came up with some metaphor, about our "marriage being strong as the forty foot trees in our back yard and having these types of 'discussions' are helping us to now put down roots." I remember looking out the back door and thinking to myself, if those trees are just beginning to put down roots, they're going to fall when the next storm comes.

In March of 2006 I filed for a divorce after my husband refused to say a single word to me during a three and a half week period. After I told him that I had filed for divorce he began actively showing me he was searching for a job, he went on interviews and returned calls to potential opportunities. He promised to change, go into counseling and the like -- so I contacted my attorney and informed her that we were reconciling. In May he was no closer to getting a job than he was in the previous months & years, and he became increasing rude and aggressive. I believe my husband only got a job because he had no choice. I learned from my sister-in-law, that prior to our marriage, his family had always bailed him out of his financial messes -- so perhaps their not helping him as much as they had previously done forced him into realizing that he would have to work to support himself.

-- posted by iamback

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Lotta1003 - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by iamback:

Hello Iamback,

well, I am probably where you were in March 2006, today. I more or less lived my own life for three weeks. When this weekend came around, we went to the theatre, and that "broke the ice". At least I feel I can spend some time with him, as I did miss being with him. I have told myself, that I am not going to blame me for my "week character", for not persuing my original plan. I believe, that this is part of the journey or process. He is also going to therapy now, he has said that he will work harder on getting a job. So, what can I say. Living like strangers in the same house was not easy, but I needed at the critical time, emotionally separate myself from him. I have read so many books on abuse, I have read postings on the internet, I am seeing a supportgroup as well as a seperate counselor. My new knowledge about him, what goes on between us can not be taken away from me. I am careful, I am aware of the fragile situation. I have my daughter here so I want things to be calmer around her as well. Our lease of this house ends Sep 2007. I have mentally given myself these months to see if he can rise to the occasion, if he can follow through. If not, I am prepared. I will grief our failed relationship, what I believed could have been. But just like you, my strategy is crystal clear: I choose my well being, my self respect and that of my family and children, before him. Momentarily, we can communicate fairly well, we have done some activities together. I try to nuture my self. I am not overly optimistic, though. The stories being told here and statistics unfortunately does not make me believe in a "Pretty woman"-outcome. Thanks for all your sharing. It is very helpful.
Lotta

-- posted by Lotta1003

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» iamback - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by Lotta1003:

Hi Lotta,

I'm glad that your guy is going to counseling! That's a start. I beleive you are right -- understanding your relationship issues helps you work through problems more productively.

This week I completed reading a book entitled "Living With The Passive Aggressive Man". It was such an eye opener. I believe I have a better understanding about why and how the verbal abuse stuff worked in my relationship with my husband. I was glad to learn that many of my thoughts were actually based on medical research -- although I didn't know it at the time. I am a little sad that I didn't learn, know or discover this information earlier -- perhaps my relationship would have turned out differently.

You have information that I didn't have nor understand -- so whatever happens with your situation -- at least you can be confident in the strategies and techniques that may be helpful to your relationship. Also you will know that you gave "it" your best "shot".

My husband and I also communicated very well and were good friends during most of our marriage. While it is true that the statistics in many of our situations are not promising and you are wise to be prepared for the worst -- who knows you might beat the odds.

God bless and good luck!

Sincerely,
Iamback

-- posted by iamback

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds