Abuse

» iamback - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

I am currently separated from my husband of eleven years and have filed for divorce. I began recognizing that things weren't right from the beginning, but could never quite figure out what was going on. As his "courteous" insults became more acute I became aware that he was showing a type of love hate response towards me. This realization helped me begin to see patterns of behavior that almost always surprised me when they were expressed. As I look back on many of the statements that my husband used to control me, I am amazed that anyone would choose say and do what he consistently did to me. I use to tell myself that he didn't understand how much he caused negative reactions in me, but now I believe differently -- I believe he knew exactly what he was doing, which is why he used "specialized" tactics to make me comply with his sneaky - covert verbally abuse episodes. I have read three of Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse and I literally talk and even scream out loud "Oh my God, he did this to me too!" I am just coming back to myself. My husband underminded relationships with my sister and my friends, surprisingly he was unable to manipulate my brother. I was shocked and hurt to the core to learn about all of the many things he has done and continues to do to hang on to his need for control. He didn't work for 2 and 1/2 years and I actually believed he was doing everything he could to find a job -- funny after having him removed from our family home he found a job in under a week. I can't believe that I was so controlled and didn't even have a clue. I am an intelligent woman, have tremendous insight into people, but I sure did miss this one -- big time. For the first time in years, I am going places and doing things that I have always wanted to do. God has been so good to me, because I have virtually restored all of my strained relationships -- what a blessing and a gift. Often times you don't get a second chance in relationships -- praise God for his grace and mercy in my life. I have a long way to go to achieve complete recovery, if that is even possible, but I am determined to learn whatever lessons I need to learn from this experience.

-- posted by iamback

» ajmsoul - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by iamback:

Hi iamback,

Good for you for taking care of yourself!
Please don't be hard on yourself. When we know better, we do better. There is a tremendous difference between what we know intellectually isn't good for us or isn't right and what we feel emotionally.

It is this very reality that I believe those who have been victims of abuse need to work from in order to not 'beat' themselves up for choices that were made because of emotional investment, hopes, and dreams.

We want to believe that those we've loved and who we thought and hoped loved us wouldn't hurt us in the ways that you describe your husband hurt you.

Intellect and emotions meet when we are ready to let go of being treated poorly and/or abused and when we realize that no matter what has to be lost, we must lose the person/relationship etc that will enable us to find more of ourselves and to live from a place of esteem and dignity that will, over time, strengthen who we are and enrich our lives.

You know you are doing what you need to do. You are doing it now. That's way more important that being hard on yourself for not having done it up until now.

Take care,
A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

» iamback - Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship

In response to Recognizing I was in verbally abusive relationship posted by ajmsoul:

Hi A.J.,

Thank you for your encouraging words. I am thankful for having an opportunity to start over. This evening will be the first time in --I don't know how many years -- that I will actually celebrate New Year's Eve. In the past I stayed home and declined invitations, now things are a lot different and I have options.

I am beginning to forgive myself for allowing the abuse and I am trying not to be too hard on myself. You're right when you say emotions, hopes & wishes characterize many abuse victims outlook as to why they have tolerated such negative treatment -- I know this was definitely my issue. Thanks for understanding; most people, particularly men and a lot of women, don't seem to understand how I allowed my husband not to work for almost three years, but to be honest, I'm not realy sure how I was suppose to "make" him get a job if he didn't want or plan to find one.

I use to often feel that I could some how motivate him into wanting to change and grow, but my motivational tactics turned into codependcy. Now I remind myself that it's okay to help, but it is not my responsibility to do for others what they can do for themselves. Take care and Happy New Year.

-- posted by iamback

» stress30 - unbelievable

Hi, i just posted a few on the "is this verbal abuse" discussion forum and I 've been reading on this site for weeks and am "flabbergasted" as to how much this site has made me feel like I am not crazy and that I am not alone. The holding on to "dreams hopes" thing, the EVERYTHING that is being said is exactly like my situation as well and this site has really opened up my eyes, I would love to read some books on this to better help my situation, I know it won't be helped unless I get out but haven't done that yet. One thing that i am struggling with too is that he is (oddly enough) a spiritual person who believes that God does not condone divorce under any circumastances unless there is adultery because that is what it says in the bible. However, I, in my heart cannot belive this to be true when the other person is consistently hurting the other. Even our pastor said i couldn't leave!!! (when we went for marriage counselign that of course did nothing) He went to school to pursue theology degree, dropped out, slidback and eery other day or week decides to get back into reading the bible, praying and reading theology books (during his rational episodes). I too have not gone out or been out with friends or even humg out with family as much as I used to. Hell, i don't even go out at all, unless to go to my families house for a birthday or holiday (they live 15 minutes away). I haven't done anything, I have a 1year old and about to have another and I know this has somethign to do with it but really it's mostly because he hates everyone i know becuase according to him, they are all the ones who are screwed up and trying to "hurt" him. How did you leave? Did you ahve kids??

-- posted by stress30

» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - leaving

In response to unbelievable posted by stress30:

Finding the courage and strength to leave involves having a support system - friends, family, Christians who believe marriages can be dissolved when abuse is present. It's gotta be so hard for you, with a toddler and one on the way....but there is help out there! Talk to people and be honest about your situation - that probably requires a huge dose of humility and vulnerability.