Abuse

» iamback - Am I crazy?

Dearest Abby 1966,

So far, the best thing you have said about your situation is that you are not married to this guy -- yet. Neither of my husbands were as forthcoming as your boy friend has been with his behavior, before we married. Believe me, what you are now experiencing is only the tip of the iceberge. If you choose to continue your relationship with this man or God forbid, marry him --you will experience even greater episodes of abuse.

NO, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! Four years is a long time to have been brain washed by regular put downs.

My husband use to regularly tell me that I didn't load the diswasher properly. This always intrigued me, because -- not one time did I ever witness him unload the dishwasher -- so I was at a complete loss as to how he knew the dishes were or were not clean. I actually, use to show him that the dishes were in fact clean, after the cycle ended. His responses were "you must have rinsed the dishes first" or he would say "you always have to be right."

If it were not for my counselor, I think I would have landed in a psychiatric facility some where. A lot of the abuse I experienced from my husbands were cloaked under the guise of genuine concern "I'm only telling you this for your own good, because I care about you -- I'm not trying to hurt you, or I just want you to be informed" -- these statements came after some rude or scarcstic remark such as "You know you really go over board about being on time, alot of old people are obsessed with getting to places on time or you think every time I say some thing about you that doesn't say you're perfect, I'm acting like your father."

For years, I really thought I was projecting my feelings from my childhood experiences onto my husband. I remember thinking he (my husband) acts just like Dad did, but he (my husband) never had a chemical dependency issue. So it must be me who is projecting this stuff from my past onto him (my husband). Well seven years into my marriage, my husband finally told me that he had been addicted to cocaine -- I was stunned, all those years I thought I was imagining and/or projecting my Dad's behavior onto him -- turns out I was right, he was behaving has someone who had had a chemical addiction.

Talking to other people who have had similar experiences and learning that there are specific characteristics of abusers helped me a lot. When you are able to share your story and experiences with others, it lets you realize that you are not alone in the world experiencing this stuff all by yourself. It also helps you stand up for yourself.

Your boy friend seems to be aware of how much more independent you are becoming --now that you are going through counseling. He probably sees that he is loosing control over "controlling" you --so you probably need to keep going to your counselor.

I do not believe in telling people what they should and should not do -- particularly in matters of the heart, but in your case -- I think I will make an exception - Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction from this guy as soon as possible! Make sure that you get some people who will encourage and support you. You can contact some local co-dependency groups, your counselor can help you find this information.

When you love some one who hurts you it is very confusing. I still am very concerned about my husband, but I am realizing that if I have to choose between my mental health and his -- I would be a fool to choose his mental health over mine. Years and even several months ago, I would have told myself that I was being selfish -- thinking about myself and not him, but now I know I am loving myself and setting boundaries as to what is best for me.

Please, please, pleas take care of yourself.

-- posted by iamback