Abuse

» iamback - unbelievable

In response to unbelievable posted by stress30:

Happy New Year Stress30,

I understand how you may feel about deciding to leave an abusive situation. I read and searched everything that I could find to find out if it was Biblically condoned to divorce without adultery as the reason for the dissolution of marriage vows. I was depressed, stressed, guilt ridden and a bunch more other adjectives. However, I received an email from a religous site -- I'll check and see if I can find it and email it to you later-- but the individual stated "Of course God hates divorce, it causes a lot of pain..., but he loves you more" that single response I believe gave me the courage to do what I believe is best for me.

My husband was the minister of music for my church, taught Bible study class and actually invited the pastor to step out so that he could fight him for some slight he believed the pastor had levied against him. My husband's father told me that God doesn't give you more than you can bear and I reminded him that the last part of that verse, states "without making a way of escape." God worked out so many details of my "escape hatch to freedom" that I know He orchestrated my deliverance and I am so thankful!

I would never tell you that God will lead you as He has led me, but I do not believe God wants us to be in situations where our spituality is crushed or destroyed because we are trying to live under the law. Please know this, whatever God asks you to do, He will make it possible for you to achieve.

By the way the verse about God hating divorce was about men "putting their wives away". Often times these men would marry other wives and fail to give their previous wives a "divorce" this is the actual situation the Lord was speaking about -- ask your pastor about this account, in the original language the text was written in. In addition, the Bible also admonishes and comands that husbands are to LOVE their wives as Christ LOVES the church. It is always amazing to me how we are able to pick and choose scripture to meet our "convenient" agendas.

It is not my intention to make light of your situation, I have learned to listen to God's prompting and leading in my life rather than to depend on what others tell me God wants me to do. I have developed such a close relationship with God, that I am persauded and convinced that He does not give messages to other people for me -- He tells me Himself and only uses others to verify His instructions. I know that God loves you no less than He does me and He will speak directtly to you and your situation if you allow Him to.

God Bless you.

P.S. I raised my husband's daughter and she told me to divorce her father.

-- posted by iamback

» stress30 - unbelievable

In response to unbelievable posted by iamback:

Hi, thanks for your response, It's funny I have read so much on divorce and marriage from the bible and christian books about marriage (from his prompting) and I agree with all of it except the divorce part. I read the bible myself and I remember only sseeing the verse on divorce only for adultery. Of course he is well awware of how he is supposed to love me and he knows he is not and then when he gets some clarity, he "awakens' and starts reading the bible again, then the next week becomes a hypocrite all over again. To be perfectly honest, that whole thing has "turned me off" to spirituality. Before I met him I did believe in God but didn't live like it. He got me to go to church and read the bible, and pray and I started believing that this is the life I wanted and that God would help us. I prayed every day the whole time we were together (still are) and I feel like I was just starting to become close to being a christian and recently I started regecting it again because of him. I feel bad but it's true. We don't go to church anymore because i had to chagne my shift to work weekends for more money and he won't go because he doesn' like the pastor anymore ( we went to counseling and he didn't like what he had to say ). So,I haven't prayed much and I'm not believing anymore. I feel like if he was going to help me, he would help him, not allow me to divorce him. I dont' know..I'm confused about all that. Yes and if you can find that site you were talking about that would be great. THank you:)

-- posted by stress30

» iamback - unbelievable

In response to unbelievable posted by stress30:

Hi again, following is the response and website information I told you about -- I hope it helps. Believe me I understand how it feels to become disillusioned about God -- based on what "christians" do in His name. However, cliche'-ish though it may sound, I've learned that these type of people are not who He calls followers of Himself -- they are in fact imposters and are probably being used to turn us away from Christ.

I grew up in a family with an abusive alcoholic father and spent many nights and years wondering why God allowed this experinence to be my lot in life -- particularly since my father's mean spirited outbursts were usually directed at me and my mom, not my brother and sister. Recently my father died and after years of denial he apoligized -- I never expected it and actually had given up on ever hearing it. When I look back over my life I have endured many hardships, but through God's help I have been able to use these negative experiences to help me grow as a person who is both competent and confident. Am I perfect -- no way, I just do the best that I can. As a child I learned that contrary to what I was taught by many church leaders -- good people, Christians, and the like are not insulated from having bad things happen to them.

This is my second failed marriage. When things were falling apart in my first marriage I was at my absolute end. I remeber sitting in the parking lot of the univeristy where I was taking classes, sobbing, "Lord I know I can't depend on the devil, but if I can't depend on you too what am I suppose to do?" I have never felt such dispair -- and now that I'm going through the same thing again -- I have struggled with the same emotions, but some how I was able to start thinking about the choices that I made and why I made them and I realized that I unwittingly gave both of my husbands permission to treat me as they did. Now, I'm not saying it was my fault or that I'm responsible for my abuse, but I am saying that my lack of "enforced" boundaries definitely created the environment for some of what happened -- as well as the fear I never resolved from my childhood years. So I'm learning who I am and asking myself really hard questions about why I allow others to take advantage of me and God has truly been guiding me through this metamorphosis. Okay enough of the sermonette -- here's the email information below. Take care of yourself especially your "innerspirit" self.

EMAIL RESPONSE OF GROUNDS FOR BIBLICAL DIVORCE FROM - support@womansdivorce.com:

I feel for your situation. Even though my pastor said that I had biblical grounds for divorce, I was encouraged to try and make the marriage work if I thought that he had changed. Unfortunately, he didn't change, but it took me a while to act because I believed in marriage for life. I can honestly say that leaving was the best thing to do in my situation, and luckily my family supported me in the decision.

I realize the turmoil that Christian women and men go through when facing a divorce, and sadly, the church doesn't address situations such as yours. For a more supportive view of divorce from a Christian view, check out the following article: http://www.womansdivorce.com/married-for... It was written by Stephen Gola, from DivorceHope.com. This website has some really great articles about Christian Divorce and marriage, and here is the link to their bible teaching archives: http://www.divorcehope.com/bibleteaching...

Even though it is rough right now, believe that things will get better with time, and that divorce can be a stepping stone to a better life for both partners. With time, my ex has evolved into a man to be proud of. He took the steps to get his anger under control, became a leader in the church, and has started his life over on the right foot. And I was able to go back to my old hopes and dreams once I was away from all the stress and control issues. You might consider joining a Christian divorce support group, where you can meet with other people in the same situation as you. To find a group in your area, to http://www.divorcecare.com, scroll to the bottom and enter your zip code to find a group near you. Hope this information helps, and I wish you the best.

Sincerely,
Tracy
support@womansdivorce.com

-- posted by iamback

» angelrain - unbelievable

In response to unbelievable posted by iamback:
Hi everyone:
This is the first time I have ever written on any site like this.
But I have been marveling at the similarities within the accounts of each separate relationship.
I have been struggling for these last 6 months, to figure out, or maybe find my way out of a relationship of 28 years (four amazing children) due to a person that my husband still swears is nothing more than a business partner/friend.
I knew 21 years ago that it was more than a bus./friendhip,
as there were numerous lies involved, etc. but each time
I would confront him, he would dismiss the issue putting the blame on my jealousy, etc.
At the time his whole family confronted him, (Christian values -I am a believer also )
and he told them they were crazy and that there was not a problem.
At would like to add here that I am definitely NOT the jealous type, but he would literally spend 18 hours a day with this woman, and so I did on numerous occasions ask him curtail this involvement. The demands rang on deaf ears. At that point I (I am currently reflecting on the reasons for this) I think I knew that the relationship was not going to "go away" and I allowed her to become a part of our family, and embraced her as a friend.
Over the course of the 21 years, we would have moments
where there might be an altercation, and repeatedly my husband would support her position, on whatever matter (now I see these as situations she may have used to gain a clearer understanding of where his loyalities were.
One underlying thread that I see within these strands
is the denial that is perpetrated by the abuser.
There were actual occasions, where both my husband, the OP and myself had found them with there arms around each other, had a traumatic fight, (which I stuffed maybe from the trauma for years) and now he simply "doesn't recall" the event.
Because of some recent occurrences which were so "in you r face" i have decided to seek counsel, and to begin to consider filing for divorce.
What I find so shocking, is ( I consider my self a balanced, moral, normal, intelligent woman) how many times i have to
tell myself that this lifestyle he is still living is wrong, and that 'I am not crazy". He does not want a divorce, I am now demanding that the relationship must be completely severed, his whole family agrees, as does all of his friends,
but he will not admit that there is any problem of any degree within this relationship. He tells me " You are crazy and I will never abandon my friend, it would be morally reprehensible".
I guess i want you all to know that I believe also so strongly that God is leading the way. I have never beleived in divorce, but I have told my children that if I have to do this to model integrity in a marriage, so be it.
I, also still love this man, and am convinced that i will until the
day I die. However, I see God bringing me out of this mire,
shaking the foundations that are not glorifying to Him, and although I am fearful (in my worse moments) He is helping me to remain faithful, and trust that His ways are higher.
I don't know if this will help anyone in any way, but I have also been disrespected, neglected, and completely invalidated for having raised questions concerning this relationship with his friend.
My heart is extended towards everyone that is reading this, as i know if you are here, then you are facing pain, but please take heart in knowing, you are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, and embraced in the Everlasting Arms.

-- posted by angelrain

» iamback - unbelievable

In response to unbelievable posted by angelrain:

Hi angelrain,

Thank your for your response and encouragement. My first marriage ended after only two years. We had been married for only 6 months when my then husband was activated for duty in the army during Desert Storm. He was gone for a little more than 7 months and returned disillusioned, the family went into counseling as was encouraged by the military for all families who had been part of the war.

My husband told our family that he no longer knew what he felt for our family (which included my two step-sons who were 8 & 10). I put myself completely into counseling trying to find ways to help him. Finally he announced that I needed to accept that the marriage was over -- when I protested, he stated "So we're gonna have to fight like ... before you can accept this?" I called my brother and began packing my bags. For several months, I frantically called and kept in touch hoping that something had changed -- and by the way he told me there was no one else and that he wasn't having nor had he ever had an affair.

Several years after our divorce was final, my oldest step son telephoned me and sobbed that he and his brother had been present in a hotel room where their dad and another women went in the bathroom and they'd heard loud noises outside while they watched T.V. I was appauled!My step son told me he was sorry for not telling me, but he loved me and didn't want me to leave. That poor child had been made a partner to his father's infidelity and I had tortured myself trying to figure out what I had done wrong to make my husband no longer love me.

I continued with counseling and discovered that I felt the only way to keep a man was to show him that I was strong and could endure just about anything. My counselor challenged my thinking and asked me to consider why that was true for me. So this time I swung to the other side of the pendulum and I showed that I could once again endure everything, but now I would be really super nice.

After beginning to feel sad, used, confused and exhausted -- I stumbled upon a book about setting boundaries by Henry Townsend and John McCloud. While reading the book I realized that while I had boundaries, I really never enforced them -- I thought that would be akin to not turning the other cheek. As I began being more honest with myself about how I felt about being used, I began to feel better about myself -- but sometimes we have to live with the consequences that we have created.

I did my best to help my current husband, I read books, talked with him about my concerns, discussed ways that we could improve and strengthen our relationship and things improved for a time but reverted back to many of the old ways -- with increasing aggression. I am now doing my best to listen to God, I seek Godly counsel from others and avail myself of as much knowledge as I can about who I am, I believe learning and discovering this information will be most beneficial to my growth experience -- both spiritually & emotionally. Take care and thanks for sharing your story with me.

-- posted by iamback

» carbysmom - The King of the Castle

My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 3 (I got pregnant) Ever since I can remember he's been putting me down. Always commenting on my intelligence or shall I say lack of, physical apperience(I'm over-weight) and behavior. He gets in these moods alot of times and just won't stop saying hurtful things to me. Always saying something about my nationality (i'm Italian he's german/Irish) how I'm not the superior race, how I gave my children bad genetics. He always tells me to leave says he doesn't love me, I'm lazy, good for nothing, stupid. How He Forgot more than I know. If I say I'm leaving he says that I cant take the kids. I'm afraid to say boo to him I'm always watching what I say, How I word things. He thinks he's gods gift to me, I hate him. I get sick just thinking about him. I'm always begging for forgivness for things I dont do wrong. I can't leave I have no where to go, no job. I'm only 24 and I feel like my life's over. I don't think I could do any better, I don't deserve any better. What guy would want me? I'm just a nobody, a stupid fat loser nobody. I wish I could get away from the king of the castle.

-- posted by carbysmom

» iamback - The King of the Castle

In response to The King of the Castle posted by carbysmom:

Dear Carbysmom,

First of all you are somebody --"'Cause God don't make no junk!" No one has the right to put anyone else down just so that they can feel better about themselves. I am saddened that you are experiencing this kind of abuse. I am of the belief that beauty is what beauty does -- if you're mean and hateful -- you're not very attractive, let alone a gift or a king.

Have you considered checking The Internet to find entry level jobs? Also there are sites that offer free tests to help you discover your professional strengths and interests. Perhaps you might look at working part-time in a daycare facility, that way --maybe you can have your child participate in the program and receive a discounted rate so that you can take a class each semester.

Most states have community colleges, that offer "reasonable" tuition fees. Also there are scholarships that are available for all sorts of characteristics such as your ethnic group, your academic standing, physical characteristics, etc.-- the community college can give you this information. In addition, student loans may be an option for you as well.

Please don't give up on yourself. Know that you do deserve better and unless your husband has met every guy in the whole world -- he is no expert on who would or would not want you -- he obviously liked you a lot at one time or he wouldn't have been attracted to you in the first place.

I'm in my mid forties and it's been very hard for me to loose the 20 to 35 pounds that I still need to, but this year I decided that I would make some small changes in what I ate and exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week. I know this way will take a while for me to see results, but eventually --something has to happen. The way I figure, if I do just a little now, maybe I can increase my stamina and I can exercise for longer amounts of time.

Last thing and this is very important -- PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE SAFE. Take care and God bless.

-- posted by iamback

» RitaMeyer - Verbal Abuse

I went through alot of verbal and manipulating abuse. My ex husband was a very vicious angry person, I was afraid, he did alot of manipulating, lying and he kept me away from my friends, family, which I lost contact with for years. I think today how did get through them years, 91/2 years, I was afraid , he threatened me and did horrable things, I have written a biography on my life, from the time I was 16 I was raped, from there on my life was destroyed. I have read your articles. And some people do not think any thing of Verbal Abuse of what it can really do to a person. Unless you have gone through it or are in it now, it is important to talk to someone about it.

Thanks
Rita Meyer

-- posted by RitaMeyer

» iamback - Verbal Abuse

In response to Verbal Abuse posted by RitaMeyer:

Hi Rita,

I believe you're right when you say most people don't think verbal abuse really has a negative affect on adults. Generally most people are outraged when verbal hostility is waged against a child or teen, but then for some reason, we tend to believe that once you become an adult, you should pretty much have gotten your self-esteem issues in tact and that you are now capable of discerning what is truth and what is in error about yourself.

I am just realizing how I have been hurt by the verbal abuse & cruel treatment I received from my dad. For years I actually thought I wasn't effected by it. I believed that I had developed a thick skin and had risen above the negative experiences of my childhood. So I was very shocked when I actually began seeing the same behaviors in me as I had observed in my mom when I was a child.

I am hoping that I have a better chance of healing from these affects if I face my reality and try to find healthy ways of dealing with many of my issues. Because of the almost constant yelling, ranting and screaming -- I am afraid of the very thought of violence. For years, my fear was used as another weapon to terrorize me by my father -- in response, I changed my fear into anger --which I learned is a secondary response to not dealing with the initial issue. For years I was angry at the world until I was about 25 years old. Then I decided that I would not allow myself to be controlled by anger any more.

It is only now that I have been able to face the years of pain, hurt and fear that I felt while growing up. I am beginning to understand how my early years of experiences have shaped me into the person that I am. If I could have my way I would erase all of those experiences, but that would change me from who I have become today ... and I am growing rather fond of this person.

Take care of yourself. Healing doesn't happen over night some times it takes years. My journey of healing is in its 44th year.

-- posted by iamback

» cam_cam - Verbal Abuse

In response to Verbal Abuse posted by iamback:

Interesting. It is nice to know I am not alone in this train of thought or that I am not the only one out there that has been emotionally abused. Sorry to sound so crass/juvinile but for lack of better words, it sucks. I grew up in a very pretentious family. Surrounded by money and greed. Now, I know what the typical reaction would be..."oh, poor you..rich b*tch" lest I tell you, it was no bag of cookies. It is so sad, I am 27 now and have been away from home for about 9 years. But the awful words and treatment still haunt me. It has prevented me from seeing myself in a positive light until recently. Sadly, my sister is still plagued by crappy thoughts and she's 28. My mom's words still hanuting her brain. "You're fat. You're worthless. you're going to be just like you're druggy sister. You're not as good as your brother." I get so mad thinking about it, even to this day. I sit and talk to myself all the time. I have realized that everyone reacts to verbal abuse differently. My "druggie" sister turned to just that: drugs. she ran away from home at 17 and got heavy into meth. My 2nd oldest sister became a sap. She is very emotional and caves in to pressure and is incredibly self depricating. Me? 5 days after graduation, I got the hell out. I got away from the source of the problem and rarely speak to her. I avoid. Now I avoid conflict and avoid crappy people who put others down. Years of torment and not being good enough have taught me one thing: you're only as good as you think you are. No one can tell you how good or beautiful or amazing or smart you are. their opinion shouldn't matter. All that matters is what YOU think.

-- posted by cam_cam