Abuse

» magictouch - Why?

Dear A.J,
I am thirtsy for answers to ensure that I do not make the same mistake again of being drawn to an abuser.

When I met him, we clicked so quickly and there was an intense deep connection I felt with him that I had never had with anyone before.It is this connection that I cannot make sense off. Is there something perhaps wrong with me too to be drawn to an abuser? We had very similar traits, as in I too was a very angry person, the slightest things would aggitate me at home, I come from a very conservative muslim controlling family , however both my parents are extremely loving.

However, I know I am not abusive. I did everything in my capacity to make him feel good about himself, and he did the complete opposite.

I just wish I could somehow make sense of what I was so drawn to him and what was the connection that we had.

I had a kinda fairy tale like childhood. However, having said that I still grew up with a lot of anger as I always felt inferior to my sisters. I am the oldest and the darkest ( skin ) of them all.I had to deal with my skin color and over come. I also had to deal with not being the best student in school. As I read through your BPD website, I identified an incident that happened to me when I was 12 years old. I can still remember the feeling I felt so clearly, I felt shame and guilt, and I felt so loss. I had gotten my final examination results, my mom was expecting and hoping I would get 5 A's, but I got 3 A's and 2 B's. When she found out, she said she was too embarrassed to take me to school to get my results. I thought I did alright. But the hurt and pain I felt inside when she said she did not want to follow me to school was horrible. I have spoken to her about it about 4 years ago, I am 29 years ols now. But somehow I do now know if I have over come it. I feel so lost and confused.

Sorry for babbling on, there us much I want to write, but I think I better stop for now. I hope I find an answer to why I had that connection with him.

-- posted by magictouch

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» ajmsoul - Why?

In response to Why? posted by magictouch:

Hi Magictouch,

The first thing that comes to my mind is that it is not the wisest thing to do to get involved with anyone too quickly. That quick clicking is often one huge red flag that the situation is not healthy. It takes time to get to know someone. The best way to ensure that you give yourself every opportunity not to get involved with another abuser is to make sure you go very slowly. When you take things slowly you get a chance to see how someone is with friends and family, under stress, when frustrated, and so forth. So, number one, take your time.

The second thing to look at, often we are drawn to someone who reminds us of a past abuser or an abusive or controlling parent. So it is important to take a look at your own history and childhood and any remaining unresolved issues there.

From what you describe about your past it seems there may well be issues of shame and guilt (toxic guilt is guilt we feel when we are invalidated and not guilt that is healthy to feel). It sounds like you were invalidated and not esteemed the same way as your sibling were.

This may have set the stage for you to feel less worthy? If it did, this is another reason that people are taken off guard by poor treatment of a boyfriend or partner.

Any unresolved issues of shame or humilation can leave you vulnerable to low self-esteem which can then give you the impression that however someone treats you is what you deserve or that you aren't important enough and lovable enough to be treated better.

Keep searching for answers and keep education yourself. Pay attention to how you feel around someone. If you don't feel esteemed and respected do not go forward. Take a look at your boundaries?
Are they what you need them to be?

It is also important to think ahead of time, before getting to know someone else, just what qualities you need to be present in a man and which qualities you do not want to live with.

There are no guarantees but the more you are aware of your past, past relationships issues and who you are and so forth the more you can slow down, take time to get to know someone, and really be open to the messages and signals that tell you whether or not someone is a good risk to get to know any better.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» magictouch - Thank you

In response to Why? posted by ajmsoul:

Dear A.J,

Thank you soooooooooooooooooo much, thank you. Once again, you've cleared up a storm in my head. But if I may ask, why is 'quick clicking' unhealthy?

How can I thank you for taking time to read my post and adrress every single issue?

There must be something I can do for you in kind?

BIG WARM HUG!
Magictouch!

-- posted by magictouch

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