Abuse

» Marinda20 - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

Hi
I am new to this group. I wrote to A.J. Mahari recently but did not get any responce from her yet. Maby somebody could tell me if this is abuse. We were at home one weakend and my friend got angry for something that my daughter forgot to put in the kitchen. He yelled at her. I imediatly told him this is not nesecary to go on like this. Suddely as if something snapt and he ran down the stairs screaming in to my ears that i am a HORR and my place is at the street corner. My face was full of spit. He threw one of my cups to the floor with coffy in it. He told my daughter that she's got a horr as a mother. He called me a B**ch. He also told me to get my things and leave asap. I told my daugther that we must go outside and leave him to cool of. He also came out cept on yelling so that everybody could hear him. I felt so asamed. Now the cool part. He took his sigarette and flicked it agains my neck. I had two small blisters. My dauther became hesterical. He told me that it wasn't his attention that he only wanted to flick the sigarette agains my shoulder.
He also said that he could not stand the site of us and that we must leave. Aterwards he calmed himself and said that he was sorry and he didn't meen to. He drinks techretoll that the docter prescribe to him to undermine his agression. He said the doctor also told him that part of his brain did not develop completely and the part of the brain that must control his temper is missing, so he can not control it???????. On 5 January 2007 one Friday afternoon his rage started up again. He through books on the ground broke his table were his pc was on and blamed it on me. Again he said he was sorry. The next day things got out of hand again. Two shops that he went to wasted his time and his road rage help it on. So when he came home, he screamed at me called me a Dum Bitch and a Horr. He again told me to ge my stuff out asap if i don't take my stuff, he would get somebody to do it for me. He took his car keys and aimed it at me. Luckely he didn't. He slamed the front door with such a force, that you have to lock it so that it don't open by itself. Again he said he was sorry and blamed it on his condission. He bought himself a boxing bag and he said that when his rage starts up again he will use the bag but i must help him to put on his boxing gloves. Me and my daughter are afraid, scared when he comes home because we don't know what to exspect. No papers must be in the living room or els. Everything in the house is my property, the only thing that is his is the flat and his computer.
I feel emotional tired and cry all the time. I am very unhappy and want to be on my own. I also had to apply for a credit card so that there could be food in the house, and because of that I've put myself in more dept then ever before. The food is my responsiblity does'nt matter if he pays more then me. I've asked him for help but he said no. He needs money for himself and if there is something left he will see were he can help me. I've been looking out for a new appartment for me and my daughter. I can not deal with this any more. Whe need to be happy again without any danger of scaredness. Is this Abuse or a mental case?

-- posted by Marinda20

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» magictouch - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

In response to He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it? posted by Marinda20:

Hi Marinda,

I am very sorry you had to experience all of this.

Trust me, A.J will write back, just give her time.

In the mean time, I am no expert, but from my experience of being with a verbal abuser, he does sound like an abuser alright.From what you have shared, whether he is an abuser or a mental case, it does not matter at this point. What matters is getting yourself and your daughter to safety and far away from him. If you have family, I suggest you take alittle holiday and go spend some time with them.

Take care and wait, A.J will write back.

Magictouch!

-- posted by magictouch

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» ajmsoul - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

In response to He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it? posted by Marinda20:

Hi Marinda,

I did just see your email and reply to it today. Sorry about the wait, I get a tremndous amount of email.

As I said to you in my email response what you describe is abuse. I think that you will benefit most now from focusing on what you need to do to keep your daughter and you safe.

What matters most right now isn't why he is doing what he does - what matters most now is the safety and sanity of you and your daughter.

Please talk to a trusted friend, or a minister and seek professional support from a counsellor.

Take care of you and your daughter first and make sure to do this with professional counselling and support because you need to develop a safety plan and do not talk to your abuser about any thoughts you may have about leaving. That would not be a safe thing to do.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» ajmsoul - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

In response to He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it? posted by magictouch:

Hi Magictouch,

Thanks for passing on your vote of confidence that I'd respond to Marinda20's email.

I did respond to her today and I agree with what you responded here with. Marinda20, or anyone else in this situation need to focus on her safety and the safety and well-being of her child and not on the why's and wherefore's of the abuser's behaviour or reasons for it.

Hope all is well with you and that you are taking care of yourself also.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» Marinda20 - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

In response to He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it? posted by ajmsoul:

Hi A.J. Hi Magictouch

Thank you for your reply. I am very grateful for all you love and support even though you don't know me. Thanks again. My dog is gone. He left the sliding door open and lock the security gate last night. My dog escaped. He said he was so sorry and that i must yell at him and tell him how much i hate him. I did not do that. I told him that will not bring the dog home. I think he did it on purpose, because he knew we always close the door so that Jantjies can stay inside. I usually when i feal angry after an outburst from him i speak to my dog, he seem the only one who listens to me only thing is he does't speak back. Well he has taken that away from me as well. I am going to look at an apartment on Monday. How am i going to move away without him knowing? I Have to tell him, its just so emosionally stressfull and its weakening me. I don't know what to exspect!

-- posted by Marinda20

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» magictouch - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

In response to He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it? posted by ajmsoul:

Hi A.J,

My pleasure!

I have unwavering faith in you!

Magictouch!

-- posted by magictouch

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» ajmsoul - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

In response to He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it? posted by Marinda20:

Hi Marinda,

I am very sorry to hear that your dog is gone.

To begin with it is important that you make your plans and don't talk to him about them in case this escalates his controlling or any abusive behaviour.

At some point you may have to tell him, yes. But I urge you to get some professonal support first. Do you know if there is a women's centre or shelter in your community? They offer support and can walk you through what to do to formulate your plans in the safest way.

Stay strong,
A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» magictouch - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

In response to He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it? posted by Marinda20:

Hi Marinda20,

I am sorry to hear that you dog is gone.

This is what helped me gain strength, I called a close friend and told her everything.I leaned on her for support.

I know how hard it is, emotionally draining and you have no peace of mind.You're feeling weak not because you are weak, but simply because you're emotionally exausted. But remember, this too shall pass. There is nothing in life that we cannot handle.

You sound like a strong lady to, though we have not met.:-)

Take care now.
Magictouch

-- posted by magictouch

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» Marinda20 - He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it?

In response to He said its not Verbal Abuse then what is it? posted by magictouch:

Hi

I told my friend that im leaving him. I also told him that my family are also sick of this nonsence and that my father wanted to know "how many chances does he want". Then he called them ugly names my father and monther and told me that my family can stand in a que and he will sort them out one by one. Unfortunately i can only move on the 1st of March 2007 and because of this i must stay whim him in his house. He is Emosionally killing me. He keeps on asking questions over and over and over again. He keeps on blaming me for every thing. Telling me that i am a backstabber. He Run down the stairs and shouts in a loud voice what he thinks of me. The first argument started this morning at 07:30. He acused me of being short temper with him. He said good morning i replied back and he asked me if i slept well i said no i didn't. He then called me up to his computer room and asked me why am i so sort temperd with him. This goes on and on and on. He told me that this will not stop until i am out of his house. He also told me that it is stil my duty to make sure he gets his food and that his close are washed because we live in his house, but he sleeps on my bed and sits on my coach. This is going to be a long wait and a very stressfull, fraithning and emosional pain to my body. I cant eat i get severe pain where your heart is, it feels like muscles stretching. I cry alot because of the situation but i know i must stay strong. It seems so far away.
Thanks for your support it really helps.

-- posted by Marinda20

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