Abuse

» Helixfire - Abuse

Hello everyone.
This is the second time I visited this site. The first time, I left, thinking that no matter what I say or what advice I get, nothing will change. Although, my negativity hasn't moved much, I'm still dealing with the same thing every day.

Growing up all I ever heard was your dumb, your ugly, that's not good enough, shut-up, your a B*, your a horrible kid, brat, nasty, what your making is ugly, it's wicked, your wicked, your just like your mother, your a faliure, you can't do anything right, I always have to do everything for you, your wrong, your hairs too.., your clothes are ugly, you look like a...

and so after 20+ years of it, no matter if someone gives me a compliment or not..I can't hear it. I've been inadvertently trained to think these things of myself. My transition to adulthood was met with inner anger, low-self esteem, and low self-confidence.

My mother developed schizophrenia shortly after I was born and my father left before that. So I was raised by my Grandparents. I'm intelligent enough to look past everything and see the reasons as to why the abuser abuses. But there's nothing that I can say or do that will ever change her outlook. My Grandmother obviously blames herself for my mother ,she also has resentment to her family and mother. Who passed away not to long ago. Her own self-loathing issues have been taken out on me and my younger sister for the most part of our lives.
She's controlling, manipulative, always right, domineering and if she's challenged it turns to rage. Her husband is extremely passive and her will is the way he follows. Not mentioning that he was an abuser as well.

I was removed from there care when I was 14. Where I stayed in Group homes and Foster Care until I turn 18.

Because of financial and similar circumstances I was forced to move back with them 6 years ago. Nothing has changed. Now more then ever I'm the constant target for there abuse. I can't describe it anymore then being tired and then of course there is the anger. Which feels like its eating away at me.

-- posted by Helixfire