Abuse

» Frustratedfriend - How do I help a friend

My best friend called me a week ago to tell me that her husband is verbally abusive. I had suspected this based on comments she has made and I have heard him raise his voice on more than one occasion and snap at her for no reason at all. When she told me about the abuse she said she hadn't told anyone before, but that she is now ready to break the cycle. She said she needs to do it on her own, and I understand that. I told her I would support her and help her if she needs it. The next day they talked and he admitted that he had a problem, but that she pushes his buttons. She
is the one that is considering counseling, but he is not. I do think it would be good for her to go. The problem is that she is withdrawing and hiding now and I think maybe pushing me away. I feel frustrated and angry because I don't know how to help her. Do I back off or do I just try to keep things as normal as
possible between us? We do work together so I see her on the job. There are 3 children involved also. I feel like I need to say or do the right thing, but I
don't know what that is. I have been researching information about this. Do I give it to her since she has admitted the problem, or do I wait? Would offering her a place to stay be the right thing or the wrong thing to do since she wants to do this on her own? I've never really been in a situation like this before, and we've actually only been friends for about 8 months. There was one other time about 4 months ago when she withdrew and seemed to hide from the world (not answer her phone or return calls), and I think
that is when I started to suspect something.

-- posted by Frustratedfriend

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» ajmsoul - How do I help a friend

In response to How do I help a friend posted by Frustratedfriend:

Frustratedfriend,

I can appreciate your frustration and how much you care about your friend. Everyone has to make decisions for themselves. Perhaps she feels ashamed of telling you anything. Often it takes many times of beginning to reach out and then retreating - facing a problem and then denying a problem for a woman being abused to make change.

Change is difficult and stressful even when it is absolutely necessary.

The best thing you can do is try to understand and be willing to be supportive if and when your friend reaches out again.

In the meantime because you care you don't want to pressure her or alienate her. You want her to feel free to come to you for support without judgment or without the condition that she will be asked of confronted about whatever choices she does make or doesn't make.

You may want to try to continue to reach out to her but not about her situation - let her bring that up if and when she is ready. In the meantime you could try just nurturing the friendship with conversation about other things.

You can be a friend and a safe place but both will require patience.

Take care,
A.J.

-- posted by ajmsoul

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» magictouch - How do I help a friend

In response to How do I help a friend posted by Frustratedfriend:

Hello,

Your friend is blessed to have you in her life.

I WAS in a verbal abusive relationship.Lucky enough, I had a dear friend just like you. I respect you for having gone the extra mile of doing research. Precious few friends these go that far!

It was only after getting out of my verbal abusive relationship that I realized the positive effect she had on me and how she contributed to my decision of getting out and running!

This is what she did for me:
1) Called me about 3 times a week, just to say Hi and see how I was doing and NEVER PROBED to hard about my relationship, she was very casual about, she would just cay ' How are things with him?'

2)She RAN to my rescue when I called. I did not see her for months as almost all my time was demanded by my x. She did express her disssapoinment of me not spending any time with her, but she understood.

3)When I did not return her phone call in day or a few days - she would just let it go and call me back the next day just to day hi.She NEVER got upset for me not returning her phone calls. I did not return her calls because I was depressed and I did not want to talk about how bad things were because I did not want her to loose respect for my x

Since you work with her, try to block out the fact that you know she is in a verbal abusive relationship, let it be at the back of your head, but when you see her or you're communicating with her TRY to talk about other things.

I know it's hard because you care about her and you want to be happy.BUT the best thing you can do for her is to just WAIT for her to come to you and make sure she knows that your arms are always open when she needs a friend. My friend could not help me, until I wanted her help.

:-) you take care of yourself too and try not to make her problem yours, that was my friend's smart more, she did not make my problem hers, and just WAITED for me to approach her and take responsiblity for my problem!

Hope this helps!:)

-- posted by magictouch

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