Abuse

» Stephen1012 - so true

In response to so true posted by ajmsoul:
HI A.J.,
I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for almost six years. It ended when I walked in on her with another man. It's been two months and as much as I've tried to get her out of my head and think that she might miss me or thinks about me. I'm depressed over a woman who I let steal any self-esteem, confidence or positive feeling I had about myself. My logical self knows she's abusive, controlling and manipulative. Her ex-husband shared with me her pattern of abuse. My emotional self is still searching for the approval from her that I could never win - no matter how much I tried. A month ago, I was actually better than I am now. I feel like I'm slipping backwards. I'm questioning myself, if I caused any of this and how she can be ok with just walking away and now being "happy". I'm trying to do good things for myself, I'm reading as much as I can about healing my "inner child" but it's like I have no joy in my heart. It feels like my head is surrounded by three feet of styrofoam - just kinda dead. But the thing I'm really uncomfortable with is all of this rage I feel inside. I honestly don't know what I would do if I saw her and her new guy out somewhere. I didn't get angry the night I walked in on her because I was afraid of being alone (I just recently realized this). I feel like this is going to never go away. Do you know if what I'm feeling is normal? I hate being alone but I know that unless I conquer that fear, my choices in people will always be poor. So, right now - I am alone and terrified at the thought of going through this kind of pain again. My childhood was emotionally and verbally abusive. I've sought out relationships that mirror my childhood. The anger that has erupted out of me has been rather intense. I don't want to be the angry and bitter person. I want to be a kind and loving person who is open to good people. Is it just easier to be angry?

-- posted by Stephen1012