Abuse

» leila1030 - Scared to leave, Scared to stay

To Scared to Leave
You been waiting for an answer to tell you that you are loved.
Let you heart be encouraged. You should leave and
remember you are always loved by God Almighty no
matter. Somebody told me to tell you this.

God Bless You

-- posted by leila1030

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» magictouch - Scared to leave, Scared to stay

In response to Scared to leave, Scared to stay posted by leila1030:

Hi leila1030,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.I know how scarry it was get to stay in the relationship and the thought of leaving just makes you want to cry..

I too had never been in an abusive relationship before, and just before I got into an abusive relationship my heart was broken by a normal guy who was not abusive. I just wanted to share that with you. I know how painful it might be for you.

You ended your posting here with 'PLEASE HELP ME!!!' I congratulate you on taking your first step to helping yourself by writing in to this site.WELL DONE!

I am proud that you took time out for yourself to recognize the misery you are in and decide to ask for help.

I'll share with you my experience, I was very close to getting married to my x.He was a verbal abuser. 3 weeks after the sweet honeymoon period, he had his first blow up on me for the silliest reason, just because I had to rush off for an appoinment and could not see him at the specific time he wanted me too, though I would see him after my appoinment.This was the first, things for worse after that, the cycle of his blow ups from 3 weeks escallated to once a week!
At that time, I just thought he had a temper problem, only after 6 months of being with him did I come to learn about Verbal Abusers, thanks to my younger sister who had seen a show on TV about Verbal Abuse.I loved him dearly and I cared for him deeply.We had an incredible connection, and our chemistry was amazing. Today I am still trying to understand what the deep connection was,but what matters MOST is that I am OUT OF IT and I no LONGER cry myself to sleep.:)

When I was with him, my self esteem dropped to ZERO, I developed anxiety and just like you I hardly spent time with my loved one, especially my sisters and mother of whom I am VERY CLOSE too.

It was VERY HARD to leave him.BUT I knew mentally I HAD too.

The first thing that I did was I spoke to my mom, then my sisters and my best friend. All of them were so happy that I had finally decided to break up with him and they could see the misery on my face when I was with him. My mother, sisters, best friend and this website were my SOLE SUPPORT of Strength when I was getting out of the relationship, OVER and ABOVE ALL,GOD carried me through this painful time.

I was SOOOOO AFRAID to leave him, because I thought I would never find another deep connection with a man like that again, plus I believed that he would change.

To proof myself right in believing that he could change, I started doing research on verbal abusers.To my HORROR, I was WRONG!!! Almost all the internet sites state that VERBAL ABUSERS HARDLY CHANGE!! SO thought..nah..maybe these internet sites are WRONG!!! Then I went on to subtly asking around friends, I was surprised when I found out of friends who had been in Verbal ABUSIVE relationships and marriages and how the ABUSE JUST ESCALLATED!!

I finally had to choose between LIVING IN FEAR or LIVING ALONE IN PEACE.

I was committed to finding happiness, thus I choose LIVING ALONE IN PEACE.It has been a few months now since I have CUT OFF all contact with him, he still tries calling, but I do not answer calls nor emails. READ A.J Mahari's Article "Verbal Abuse - The HOOK".It gave me alot of strength. The magic in this article was how it made me see the truth, which was - "MY X DID NOT LOVE ME". The truth really did set me free.

Start reading up on everything you can get your hand on about VERBAL ABUSE, the more you know, the stronger your mind will be!

The question here is, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

magictouch77

-- posted by magictouch

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» kkdenn - Scared to leave, Scared to stay

In response to Scared to leave, Scared to stay posted by leila1030:
I am hopefully only a few days away from finalizing my divorce of 14+ years...living much of what you describe but it progressing slower than your situation. My words of advice, and trust me I have lived it, is it will NOT get better- only worse. And your situtaion progressing so quickly is scary.

One week after getting married the verbal and emotional abuse began- which included being called and being accused of EVERYTHING you could imagine. I tried so hard in the marriage and come from a famiy where divorce was not an option- or so I thought. It progressed through the years and I was made to feel I was crazy- no matter the situation- it was always turned around on to me. I was constantly walking on egg shells and could NEVER do anything right. But I have to say, when it was good (or he was calm) he could make me feel great- like no one eles mattered. The relationship was either black or white for him- I was great or I was the worst person in the world and never did anything right. I would hear how he just wanted me to respect him and be proud of him- although returning no respect and verbally abusing me. In the past year the relationship turned violent which included being choked and having my life threatened when I agreed divorce was the only option. Police were involved and he faced charges- which of course is all my fault.

What I have learned in the past year is he will never change- I will never please him- and most of the actions I was accused of- he was doing himself and projected the guilt onto me. I spent 14 years gauging my happiness and feelings on him- if he came home mad- somehow it was my fault and my responsibilty to make it better- and when I did not- I was not supportive and did not love him. I also have numerous emails stating much of what you wrote- and many with very manipulative statements of how I did not support and was not proud of him. The double standards were unbelievable- his expectations of me unreal. After all he has done- he still feels I should suppport him.

Still to this day, he tries his best to hurt me through our two children or anyway he can thorugh threats, intimidation and the courts. I have even had my attorney/former prosecutor ask me why I think he still wants to hurt me so badly.

So...I can tell you, I have tried for 14 years to change him- and it has only gotten worse- actually very scary. I do admit, there is still a part of me that SO wishes he was the person I met and fell in love with - and he would stay that way a majority of the time...but it has not and will not happen. THe past year has been hell but luckily, I have family and friends who, now that they know what has been going on, support me in so many ways. So tell someone- talk to someone and listen when they tell you that YOU do not deserve this- and the broken heart- I hear you but wouldn't you rather have a broken heart that will mend then a lifetime of what you are experiencing- with the great possibility of it getting worse.

I am 38 years old, ( and boy now I feel old) raising two boys ( who I so want to make sure they do not treat others as their father has treated us) and on my own. It is VERY scary but it is also a huge relief and liberating. I can actually do what I want, when I want ( aside form being a mom). I am still healing and trying to get through my head that he is the one with the problems and the verbal abuse is simply his tactics to put me down..."leveling"

I found this website and it has helped me tremendously to see that I am not the crazy one - which still tries to make me think. I am also seeing a counselor which helps. Talk to family and friends/see where you are headed/don't wait 14 years- you have read that it will not change and heard from others that it will not change. Good luck and take control of your life...you only have one chance at it- be happy.

-- posted by kkdenn

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» magictouch - Scared to leave, Scared to stay

In response to Scared to leave, Scared to stay posted by kkdenn:

Hi there,

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for sharing your story that inspired me and made me feel good about my decision too.

You are one courageous woman!

Just wanted to wish you all the best for your court case!

You deserve only the best.

Best regards,
magictouch

-- posted by magictouch

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» leila1030 - Scared to leave, Scared to stay

In response to Scared to leave, Scared to stay posted by magictouch:

Thank you both so much for sharing your stories with me. It has really helped. I have been in such turmoil. I question myself all the time. I was truly starting to believe that I was always wrong and he was always right. He is a great talker and can manipulate any situation. He calls me selfish whenever I'm not appeasing him. I can see now that he is the selfish one...the one with the problem......NOT ME! I am going to begin the process to get out of it. I know that it may take awhile, and that's ok. I need to (for lack of a better term) get my ducks in a row before I make a move. I'm a little scared of what he'll do when I leave, but I can't worry about that. I have to focus on ME for a change! My heart will break, but I now realize that my broken heart will mend. I would rather have a broken heart that will heal than a lifetime of living like this!
You are both courageous and strong!! I commend you on your decisions!!

Thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- posted by leila1030

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» magictouch - Scared to leave, Scared to stay

In response to Scared to leave, Scared to stay posted by leila1030:

Hi leila1030,

I am so pleased to hear that you're decided to take charge of your life.

After reading your reply, you come across as a very strong lady.

Thank you for your vote of confidence and encouragement, it means alot to me. Your vote of confidence at the end of your posting shows me the kind of woman you are...It Takes a STRONG and COURAGEOUS WOMAN TO RECOGNIZE ANOTHER!

When you are positive about things and you focus on the goal you want, everything will fall into place.Yes, he might beg and cry a river, but keep strong.

Keep strong by reading as much as you can about Verbal Abuse.
I kept strong and won every battle I had against his begging drama's with ALL THE INFORMATION I HAD READ UP ON VERBAL ABUSERS, so I knew HIS TEARS and Confessions of Undying Love were just MASKS that he wore to get me back.

Remember what A.J Mahari said in one of her articles 'Verbal Abusers are NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE, they do not know what love is'.

As hard as this time might be for you, it is the ONLY TIME IN YOUR LIFE where your DICIPLINE is going to be put to the test.

Good things come to those who wait.

I am VERY Proud of you leila1030 for loving yourself and making this hard decision.

Keep close to the website and I know you will pull through as a winner.

magictouch

-- posted by magictouch

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