Abuse

» kkdenn - Scared to leave, Scared to stay

In response to Scared to leave, Scared to stay posted by leila1030:
I am hopefully only a few days away from finalizing my divorce of 14+ years...living much of what you describe but it progressing slower than your situation. My words of advice, and trust me I have lived it, is it will NOT get better- only worse. And your situtaion progressing so quickly is scary.

One week after getting married the verbal and emotional abuse began- which included being called and being accused of EVERYTHING you could imagine. I tried so hard in the marriage and come from a famiy where divorce was not an option- or so I thought. It progressed through the years and I was made to feel I was crazy- no matter the situation- it was always turned around on to me. I was constantly walking on egg shells and could NEVER do anything right. But I have to say, when it was good (or he was calm) he could make me feel great- like no one eles mattered. The relationship was either black or white for him- I was great or I was the worst person in the world and never did anything right. I would hear how he just wanted me to respect him and be proud of him- although returning no respect and verbally abusing me. In the past year the relationship turned violent which included being choked and having my life threatened when I agreed divorce was the only option. Police were involved and he faced charges- which of course is all my fault.

What I have learned in the past year is he will never change- I will never please him- and most of the actions I was accused of- he was doing himself and projected the guilt onto me. I spent 14 years gauging my happiness and feelings on him- if he came home mad- somehow it was my fault and my responsibilty to make it better- and when I did not- I was not supportive and did not love him. I also have numerous emails stating much of what you wrote- and many with very manipulative statements of how I did not support and was not proud of him. The double standards were unbelievable- his expectations of me unreal. After all he has done- he still feels I should suppport him.

Still to this day, he tries his best to hurt me through our two children or anyway he can thorugh threats, intimidation and the courts. I have even had my attorney/former prosecutor ask me why I think he still wants to hurt me so badly.

So...I can tell you, I have tried for 14 years to change him- and it has only gotten worse- actually very scary. I do admit, there is still a part of me that SO wishes he was the person I met and fell in love with - and he would stay that way a majority of the time...but it has not and will not happen. THe past year has been hell but luckily, I have family and friends who, now that they know what has been going on, support me in so many ways. So tell someone- talk to someone and listen when they tell you that YOU do not deserve this- and the broken heart- I hear you but wouldn't you rather have a broken heart that will mend then a lifetime of what you are experiencing- with the great possibility of it getting worse.

I am 38 years old, ( and boy now I feel old) raising two boys ( who I so want to make sure they do not treat others as their father has treated us) and on my own. It is VERY scary but it is also a huge relief and liberating. I can actually do what I want, when I want ( aside form being a mom). I am still healing and trying to get through my head that he is the one with the problems and the verbal abuse is simply his tactics to put me down..."leveling"

I found this website and it has helped me tremendously to see that I am not the crazy one - which still tries to make me think. I am also seeing a counselor which helps. Talk to family and friends/see where you are headed/don't wait 14 years- you have read that it will not change and heard from others that it will not change. Good luck and take control of your life...you only have one chance at it- be happy.

-- posted by kkdenn