Abuse

» reallydown - Help With Ideas to fight

my ex fiance is BPD. I have been trying to stay away from him, but it is so hard. Right now, I am the problem. I cannot seem to escape the grasp of this. I am so depressed because I was with him for four years and I think the effect of the abuse (verbal and emotional) has taken it's toll on my emotions. It's like a releif to be away, and at the same time a terrible pain. I need to find how to get out of this depression and the thought paterns I have. I am my own worst enemy! I need some skills to do this. I feel like I am never going to get over this, and it has taken over my whole life! Any suggestions would be welcomed

-- posted by reallydown

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» magictouch - Help With Ideas to fight

In response to Help With Ideas to fight posted by reallydown:
Dear reallydown,

I am so sorry you have had such a hard time.

When I read your post, I could relate to what you're feeling.It was a relief for me to after I broke away from my x.
In a very twisted way, we want him to take away the pain and make it better. The truth of the matter is, HE does not even recognize the fact that he has hurt you.

I was my worst own enemy and I lost myself to him. My self confidence was down in the dumps, it has been about a month and a half now since I cut off all communication with him. There are still times when I get weak and miss him. I use to feel sooo silly for missing him!I was committed to UNDERSTAND why I would still miss someone who did not love me. After reading up more about Verbal Abuse on this site, I learnt that it is ok for me to miss him, but it was also IMPORTANT that I realized my ex was not capcable of love as VERBAL ABUSERS do not know what love is. It was this thought pattern that was VERY hard for me to grasp. I could not understand how that he NEVER DID LOVE ME, as I almost married him. Nevertheless, the more I read, very slowly it started making sense. At times of weakness I still slip into a cloud of confused emotions, but I just sit infront of my pc, log into this suite 101 and read to make sure I clear the cloud, sometimes it takes hours to go away.At times, when it gets really bad, I just have to sleep it off.
You cannot HELP THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM, but YOU CAN HELP HOW YOU REACT TO YOUR FEELINGS.

I commend you on taking a courageous step to wanting a better life, I know it must have been a difficult decision to live by, but trust me when I say 'YOU WILL COME AT AS WINNER'!

This is what I did that helped me get through the days and reorganize my thought processes:

1) READ, READ , READ suite 101 and other website on verbal abuse

2)Spent ALL my time with my family. It is important that you spend time with people who have loved you for a long time so you can get back to the person you truly are.

3)CUT off ALL FORMS of COMMUNICATION with him.

It took over my whole life too, being away from him for like cutting an arm off, but being with him was like having him cut my heart out slowly..

I was striken with depression just like you. I also developed anxiety.
At the end of it all, I was not ONLY left with NOTHING, I was also left with depression, anxiety and a broken heart.

BUT

I choose not to blame him, because the more I blamed him, the more weaker I felt. The more I blamed him, the more I wanted him next to me to soothe the pain.
The magical turn came for me when I read an article by A.J Mahari that stated "THE HORRIBLE THINGS HE SAYS HAS NOTHING TO DO ABOUT YOU, IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM"...that's is when I started detaching myself from all the horrible things he has said to me.

You will get over this, the fact that you wrote in here is proof enough that you have what it takes to stand up and be strong.

What thought patterns are you having?
magictouch

-- posted by magictouch

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» magictouch - Help With Ideas to fight

In response to Help With Ideas to fight posted by reallydown:
Dear reallydown,
I am so sorry you have had such a hard time.
When I read your post, I could relate to what you're feeling.It was a relief for me to after I broke away from my x.
In a very twisted way, we want him to take away the pain and make it better. The truth of the matter is, HE does not even recognize the fact that he has hurt you.
I was my worst own enemy and I lost myself to him. My self confidence was down in the dumps, it has been about a month and a half now since I cut off all communication with him. There are still times when I get weak and miss him. I use to feel sooo silly for missing him!I was committed to UNDERSTAND why I would still miss someone who did not love me. After reading up more about Verbal Abuse on this site, I learnt that it is ok for me to miss him, but it was also IMPORTANT that I realized my ex was not capcable of love as VERBAL ABUSERS do not know what love is. It was this thought pattern that was VERY hard for me to grasp. I could not understand how that he NEVER DID LOVE ME, as I almost married him. Nevertheless, the more I read, very slowly it started making sense. At times of weakness I still slip into a cloud of confused emotions, but I just sit infront of my pc, log into this suite 101 and read to make sure I clear the cloud, sometimes it takes hours to go away.At times, when it gets really bad, I just have to sleep it off.
You cannot HELP THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM, but YOU CAN HELP HOW YOU REACT TO YOUR FEELINGS.
I commend you on taking a courageous step to wanting a better life, I know it must have been a difficult decision to live by, but trust me when I say 'YOU WILL COME AT AS WINNER'!
This is what I did that helped me get through the days and reorganize my thought processes:
1) READ, READ , READ suite 101 and other website on verbal abuse
2)Spent ALL my time with my family. It is important that you spend time with people who have loved you for a long time so you can get back to the person you truly are.
3)CUT off ALL FORMS of COMMUNICATION with him.
It took over my whole life too, being away from him for like cutting an arm off, but being with him was like having him cut my heart out slowly..
I was striken with depression just like you. I also developed anxiety.
At the end of it all, I was not ONLY left with NOTHING, I was also left with depression, anxiety and a broken heart.
BUT
I choose not to blame him, because the more I blamed him, the more weaker I felt. The more I blamed him, the more I wanted him next to me to soothe the pain. The magical turn came for me when I read an article by A.J Mahari that stated "THE HORRIBLE THINGS HE SAYS HAS NOTHING TO DO ABOUT YOU, IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM"...that's is when I started detaching myself from all the horrible things he has said to me.
You will get over this, the fact that you wrote in here is proof enough that you have what it takes to stand up and be strong.
What thought patterns are you having?
magictouch

-- posted by magictouch

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» reallydown - Help With Ideas to fight

In response to Help With Ideas to fight posted by magictouch:

Dear Magic, What feelings am I feeling? Hmmmmmm Mostly I feel so sad and rejected. I feel cheated, I feel silly for loving him. I feel I have no sense! I feel something must be wrong with me to ever want such a person. I feel used and abused. I feel unable to cope at times. I feel like the thoughts in my mind are dominated by him. I feel like I have lost the part of me that is happy, content, joyful and trusting. I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. I feel scared and lonely. I feel as if I gave to an empty recepticle who dooped me into loving him. I fell in love with the person he pretended to be, and he is so cold and heartless. My mom died just this past November, and he could have cared less! I had no support from him anytime I had a problem or hearache. I gave all I had to him when he was down. I held his hand and prayed for him. I tried to understand his feelings and comfort him. So, I guess I feel like I have invested my whole self into a lie!

-- posted by reallydown

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» magictouch - Help With Ideas to fight

In response to Help With Ideas to fight posted by reallydown:

:), I smiled when I read your post because I felt just the way too. I thought something was wrong with me to still love such a person and to begin with be attracted to such an individual.

You are not alone.

Well done with expressing your feelings so well and writing them down here, Thank you for sharing.
Though I am not in contact with him anymore, reading your post gave me a boost a strength.

I also felt like I invested my whole self into a lie, and until today, there are times when I wonder if any of time I spent with him was REAL. Now I can only answer for myself, I know my love was REAL.

I also felt like I would be alone for the rest of my life, but after reading more about verbal abusers, I learnt that this is exactly what verbal abusers are set out to make you feel - that there is no way out of the relationship.

Because they have ripped your soul off its self esteem, you feel the way you do.You feel like no one will ever love you again.These are just seeds that the verbal abuser plants in your head to ensure he has full control over.

Deep down inside, that confident, beautiful, intelligent woman still lives inside you and is waiting to come out again, but she is too afraid, because someone told her to KEEP SHUT!

The reason why I know that confident lady still exist in you is because you just wrote a lovely post that indirectly said 'I DESERVE BETTER'.

You invested your life into helping someone that you loved very dearly, believing against all odds that you could make a difference.However, the sad truth is, you did not cause it, that is why you cannot fix it.

Stay close to loved one's and good friends.
My best goes out to you, good things come to those who wait.

You DESERVE to be HAPPY.:)

magictouch

-- posted by magictouch

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