Abuse

» jfarris - WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT

We created this site so that you could all talk. I too understand how you feel. I have sat crying and bloody while he laid his head in my lap and cried saying that he was sorry. I understand just as many of these other ladies understand and a few guys as well. Talk. Talk until you can't talk anymore, we are all listening.........

-- posted by jfarris

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» settler - WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT

Thanks for mentioning the guys! I feel very lost and out on a limb on my own. I talked to a lawyer and since nothing can be proven everything is equal and the courts will divid everything fifty fifty. Truthfully most of the stuff I would leave with her and am just fine with that I never cared about it, but the kids are still up in the air and she won't leave them. I don't want to leave them in this situation, but I am going to get out and hopefuly I can take the kids and if not I will do as much for them as I can when I have them.

I have also found a place called hopes door (An abuse crisis center) and am getting some help, but feel just as lose. There is still no way to get threw to her or a court about what she is like.

-- posted by settler

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» jfarris - WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT

In response to WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT posted by settler:

If you don't mind my asking, how old are your kids? If they are 12 years or older they get to choose if not then contact CPS and start a case file with them. Demand that they supervise her and the children and express you desire to raise them if she can not handle it. They will demand that she get counseling and they will watch her. These days with so many people in CPS dropping the ball, they are more careful. Let the courts know that you have opened a CPS file as well. Every little bit helps. Also, before I forget, make sure to get a copy of every thing that takes place form now on. Keep and build your own file copy. This way no one can say that things got "lost". You are in our thoughts. Hang in there.

-- posted by jfarris

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» need_reassurance - will things ever get better!

My fiance just got back from a contracting job in Afghanistan about two and a half months ago and we have been having problems ever since. While he was there he went into my email account and found a love letter from my estranged husband pleading for me to leave my fiance and return to him.The email also talked about how he felt holding me in his arms and making love to me. Before that email I've always denied having relations with my then husband when I went to him to get him to sign the divorce papers. When he confronted me about the email I could no longer deny it. I told him I was sorry and that I was confused. I still had feelings for my then husband and it felt so good being in his arms again. After it happened, I knew it shouldn't have but I couldn't take it back. I lied to my fiance because I knew it would hurt him and I knew it was a mistake I wouldn't repeat. Since then the divorce was final and I taught me and him had worked that issue out. He came home to our nine month old twin babies( yes there his), after being away for a year. He also came home to me being unable to loose the pregnancy weight. Now, since about the second day he's been here we've been having problems. He started criticizing me about the way I took care of our apartment, the cooking, cleaning etc. I told him I have two babies to take care of and when I have time and energy to clean I would. Next, he started calling me foul names and cursing at me. I would either leave the apartment or go to our bedroom and cry, but that wouldn't stop him, he would follow me inside the bedroom and curse some more and yell at me. We would make up ,when all was calm, but about two to three days later it would happen again. A pattern had emerged! I told him that this wasn't normal and that I wasn't use to that kind of behavior. It got really bad after that. If I made a joke that made reference to him,it was an attack on him. For example, We were at the doctor's office for one of the babies' checkup and the nurse walked in while he was changing a diaper and she made mention that not a lot of dads take control like that. I said he's behaving nicely, he usually runs away from changing them. We all laughed, but as soon as she left he started calling me the 'B' word. I told him it was just a joke to break the ice, it was his first time being at the kid's pediatrician but he wouldn't accept that and so we started to argue. I asked him to stop because it didn't look right, us arguing, and right then the doctor walked in. Needless to say I was embarr***ed. Not only do I feel I can't make reference about him, but I feel like I can't talk to him. He always finds a way to make everything out to be my fault. He keeps on saying the reason we are having problems is because of my attitude. Recently, about a week we had a bad fight. I couldn't take the verbal abuse and threats to cut off my finances any more and I decided to take the kids with me and leave on the 1st while he was having surgery on his arm. He looked over my shoulder say that I was looking for tickets online for me and the kids and he blew a fuse. He grabbed and threw away the laptop, tore out the phone and computer modem, stashed my p***port and the kids birth certificates. He was literally turning red! I hid in the bathroom and locked the door, he kicked it in! I ran to the bedroom he followed me in. I told him to leave we were much happier without him and some where between heated words he head butted me and shoved me on the bed. I told him I wished he would die on the operating table so that me and my babies would be free of him and he told me he would rip my throat out, the look in his eyes said he meant it. Just then we heard a knock on the door and it was his father who came to bring him to the hospital the next day. They left for dinner. He returned and after an hour at blindly watching the tv, he turned it off and said we need to talk. He never apologies or thinks that he should, but it was so bad that he asked me what he needed to do. I told him he needed counseling. He agreed. Everything went fine again this time for about eight days due in part to him having had surgery and depending on me to do everything for him including washing his ***. So, I guess he was on his best behavior until he could no longer control himself. I was taking him home after chauffeuring him around town and to his DWI cl*** and then he started criticizing my driving and second guessing my decisions to stop and when to go, and when to use the turning lane. If my driving is so bad I told him to take a cab, I'm not going to run any lights. Earlier that day we had some disagreement about taking the kids with us to run errands and he yelled at me told me I need to use my fat head for thinking rather than eating, told me I was stupid etc. all because I didn't want to let a babysitter watch our kids and taking them along with us did slow us down. All of which would have been avoided if he woke-up when I woke him 2 hours before we had to be there instead of 50 mins before his appointment. again, he still didn't apologies and everything was just building. The next day I ignored him, didn't say a word to him for about three hours until I was going out to run my own errands. He took the car keys and started telling me he needed to be fed, washed, shaved, and dressed, never mine the fact that he ate three slices of pizza 1 1/2 hrs ago. I told him I would be back soon, but that wasn't good enough. I asked him then why did he sit on his *** all day and said nothing until I'm ready to leave, not that I cared I just wanted the keys. I remembered that I was supposed to call the veteran center today to schedule his appointment, so I took the phone to him while he was on the computer, he told me to get the f_ _ k out his face and stop pissing him off. And that what I should be doing is helping call the numbers on the webpage. I ignored him some more. He then made a few calls and needed me to take him someplace. I told him no, he said its important. What about me? Don't I have my own stuff to do. I told him to take a cab. He told me no, yelled at me , told me he stunk and needed a bath I told him to do it himself. he told me that if I'm not going to take care of him he has no use for me that I should leave. I said not without my kids it got heated, he called me sl_ t, wh_ _e ,etc. and that I should go suck a you know what.I told him he needs to overdose on his vicadin and get out of our lives. He grabbed me by the throat with his one good arm and started to squeeze then he shoved me back. I ran to my bedroom he followed me in there yelled some more and hit me with a towel. Now that hes had surgery, I could physically take him on I outweigh him by about 40lbs, as I pointed out to him but I'm not going to harm him, I'm not a violent person. He left the room and I locked the door. I started to cry and and my breathing got louder and louder and heart started to race and I couldn't control any of it. I was having a panic attack. He tried to get in and he couldn't kick the door in this time around due to his surgery. It lasted for about six or so mins and once I unlocked the door and got back into bed he yelled at me some more and threw my arms away from my face, so he could yell directly in my face. He comforted me after and told me we need to be a team he doesn't like arguing with me and that he needs my help etc. Then he left. Drove himself where he needed to with his driving and gear shifting arm in a slingshot2. I still don't know how he pulled it off? then he returned home found me in the kids room and told me that he would call a counselor tomorrow but now he thinks I need to see one too.
My questions are; is it me? Is it my attitude that causing him to abuse me? Is this his way of dealing with the infidelity on my part? Or is it him? And do I need counseling? If he did go to counseling do you think he would change or not? I honestly must say that before he went away to Afghanistan he was the sweetest most loving and caring guy I had ever know.

-- posted by need_reassurance

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» settler - WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT

Sorry I haven't responded this got lost.

The kids are 4, 6, 9. I love them dearly, but want to do what is best for them. Right now she talks like she may let me keep them without a fight, but if she doesn't she will allow court documents to be made giving me extra power to gain control of them. She seems to finally realize that she was way out of line many times and still is. (Less than two weeks ago she decided to try and brake into my e-mail account.) And that she has been indefferent to the kids and me if they came into conflict with her wants.

Maybe the seperation will go easier than the marriage ever did!

Settler

-- posted by settler

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» settler - will things ever get better!

A mistake was made and an even bigger one when you lied, but it sounds like he has gone way over board. I know my and my wifes relation ship looked like that for awhile. She spent years abusing and then had an affair. She said things were getting better even as the abuse continueing and appoligized and said to drop everything becasue it was not going to happen. I didn't let go until she finally really did stop and now things are smoother, but it did take me a month or so to finish burning out even after she had stopped most of the abuse. I can not say it is over do to her having just tried to break into my new e-mail account that i set up to seperate my e-mails from her.

It sounds like our relationship in the physical part as well. I am the male and outweigh her and have a foot more height, but that still didn't stop her from loosing control and hitting me. I do believe that if she was the bigger she would have continued. She stopped only because it was a battle she could not win, but she found other ways to attack.

At the best for your relationship, I would recomend getting out before he recovers any more. Stay away for at least six months of counciling (For both of you as batterer and battered) and to see if maybe there is an improvement. Then keep all contact in open places for awhile and then maybe try it again. Let abuse centers know, friends now, and CPS incase they need to be involved in the future.

Otherwise get out and don't look back.

I will say he had a jolt. A different culture why he was gone that excepts this behavior. That coppled with a major shock of your behavior, but none of that justifis all of this abuse ever. I have deeply regreted what all I did and have verbalized it and shown a genuen regret and gotten help. My wife has only half hearted ever done any of this and I don't trust her. She has very shortly said the words and then wanted everything dropped and never backed any of it up. If he can not verbalize it and talk about it and back it up by working on it, hard, then I wouldn't trust him at all.

Settlers

-- posted by settler

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» sweetnsourblt - What is wrong with my relationship?

What is wrong with my relationship?
My boyfriend and I have been together 11 years. When we met we had nothing. We have a 10 year old and a 10 month old together.
After 11 years we have an apartment that we pay rent for and furniture we bought. He is into music production and has expensive music equipment and a car. For 11 years he has had millions of plans and ideas of getting into a business venture (buying a tractor trailer)and work hard so we can have enough money to buy a house or at least get a down payment. We could never save money because as soon as we get ready to, his mother, has an emergency and tells him he is her last resort, his daughter (from a previous relationship) needs something, (even though he pays court ordered child support) he spends it on music equipment or on car repairs. After all this time I am tired of us always being broke. When he has money everyone seems to benefit and enjoy the money he gives or lends. I have to worry about whether the money being spent is the money we will need next week. I have no problem clipping coupons and looking for sales to save money but he seems so careless with it that it makes me feel that he doesn't love us. All I am here for is to listen to his worries, his 1001 dreams, his complaints, and to have sex, and then when he gets the money to do something about it, he blows it and blames it on everything but himself.
He recently came into some money. It was enough for a down payment on a house or a truck. Well, his mother got into a car accident (no injuries)but she needed money to repair her car because insurance was not enough ;She told him about some land she wanted to purchase to leave in his name when she dies,she needed money for that too. He promised his daughter a $300.00 cell phone, so he bought it . He bought a laptop for us and some computer memory chips. Gave me $200.00 for some driving lessons and bough some things for the baby. He paid some utility bills. His father passed away out of state so he had to fly ,. So all the money is gone. He had a job but walked out of it because I told him I did not think we should be together while we were on the phone, and waited until he spent his last dime to get a pizza delivery job. Am I crazy? Is it normal to be like him? Am I selfish? Is he too generous? Why is it that even though his mother has 6 (all adults now) he is always her savior, and everyone else's hero. Now he is depressed and irritable. We argue all the time. Now , he has fits and acts as if he is going to explode any time I am going to say anything about the money. At one point he said he felt like hitting me. I cannot say how I feel. I cannot save money because we need it or he needs it. I AM REALLY ANGRY! And depressed because I just don't know what to do? I KNOW I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!

-- posted by sweetnsourblt

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» jfarris - What is wrong with my relationship?

In response to What is wrong with my relationship? posted by sweetnsourblt:

In answer to the question what is wrong with your relationship, the answer is "it isn't one". A relationship is where two people make decisions together. It sounds like your husband makes all the decisions himself. I understand that it appears as though he is generous and he may be however he is being generous with your lives and without your permission. Sit down and talk to him and explain how you feel. Give him alternatives and tell him that he is draining you. You have a right to dreams and a life just as he does. Try talking to him first.

-- posted by jfarris

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» settler35 - What is wrong with my relationship?

In response to What is wrong with my relationship? posted by jfarris:
That is good advise from Jfarris. It might take time, but don't spend to much time on it. I spent a long time fighting to get my wife to understand and in the end it seems to have helped change her, but to much fighting destroyed us, anyway.

Settler

-- posted by settler35

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» recruitertoo - WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT

In response to WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT posted by RECRUITER1967:

Recruiter1967,

You may remember me from east brunswick working with Jay.... write back to me at caddyeldorado2@earthlink.net

I've been trying to get in touch for years now.......

Joe

-- posted by recruitertoo

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