Abuse

» RECRUITER1967 - Why does he do that...?

Dear Windsong72
Thank you again for writing back to me'
BOy maybe we can meet one day, maybe our destiny will cross one another.
Where do you live what state?
I am in NJ. I just feel so alone lonley as can be because I have no friends real friends that can understand the way you and other women out there that have been through this. I wish I can meet some friends that are in my situation that we can help one another and talk.
I hope you can call me, maybe I can call you if you do call and leave your number I will call you the first chance I get.
Windsong you say you are in pain see, this is what I am saying: I keep thinking now minute after minute all the happy times we shared together dinners, gifts, caring. affections, etc.
then i have to think of all the bad things he did also. Maybe i need to write a paper
good and bad and see which adds up
But when we know we are finished, it feels like we dont even remember the bad times only the good times. I keep thinking how I tried to learn his indian cooking dishes he is from pakisant/india and he did not like my cooking when we got together, so I learned to cook the way he cooked and liked his food. I was always trying to do the best, always worried if he was happy or not, was that love or not
always worried if he was mad/happy. Wnated to make sure3 he was happy all hte time because it was my first real serious relationship that lasted into marriage.
I wanted to be the best wife to him but i failed
I can give you a whole list a seperate list of what he said is wrong with me and it can take me two days or one long day for me to do this.
I am not kidding.
if it was not one thing, then something else would be faughtone,
He said i grew up in a f----- house if you know what i mean, i did not grow up like him responsible, clean, Windsong, I clean the house once a week and when i was working every two weeks.
Now that I am home, I still dont clean eveyr day
Now he does not want my bags around and so forth
there is always something to pick on me for.
Two months ago, i lost one of our expeniseve forks to our cuttery the MIKASA set, he went into a rage and cursed me, threw things and wsa furious as if we were robbed of our whole house
It was not like a 500.00 set where I can say get angry but he sai dit was the principle of the thing that I am irresponsible and sitll f---- up where my awareness level is not right.

I DID NOT HAVE A JOB AND I TOLD HIM I DID, I WAS LEAVING THE HOUSE EVERY DAY MAKING BELIEVE I HAD A JOB AND WENT TO THE PARK AND STORES TO SHOP AND WALK AROUND SO HE WOULD CALM DOWN
THAT WAS A BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER DID
I AM NOT WELL TO DO THAT. I COULD NOT STAND THE FIGHTING OF ME NOT OWRKING AND I FELT I COULDN OT WORK AND I TOLD HIM I HAD A JOB TO SEE IF HE WOULD BE DIFFERENT TO ME AND NICER TO ME
WELL PART OF HIM DID HE STILL WSA NOT COLD/DISTANT

WINDSONG, WHY IS HE BEING COLD/ALOOF AND DISTANT 100% AND NOT WANTING TO BE AROUND ME, HOLDING ME KISSING ME, HE TOTALLY BLOCKED HIMSELF AWAY FROM ME
HE WONT EVEN LET ME TOUCH HIS HAND
I WILL CALL YOU
I WOULD LOVE TO TALK WITH YOU AND LEARN WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND HOW YOU ARE COPING
I PRAY GOD WILL BLESS YOU ALWAYS AND KEEP YOU SAFE, HEALTHY AND BRING YOU ONLY HAPPINESS INYOUR LIFE.
LOVE MARLA
In response to Why does he do that...? posted by windsong72:

-- posted by RECRUITER1967

» windsong72 - Why does he do that...?

In response to Why does he do that...? posted by RECRUITER1967:

Check your telephone messages...I don't know why he is acting the way is he is, but...his culture alone describes him....tell me, what nationality is he, and what nationality are you..from what I understand, he is Indonesion...Middle Eastern...If I understand, you are American, of some European Decent....am I correct?...If he is the culture that you as suggesting, then there are specific things that they require and expect of a wife...What is his profession?....How did you meet and get married?

Windsong (Nancy)

-- posted by windsong72

» settler - Why does he do that...?

Pytel, you are so right about it being about control. My marriage was fine as long as there was not much going on in our lives and we had planty of time, but with kids comes sacrific, much less time, and looking out for someone else even if you don't want to right now. That is the problem here. As we started having kids and the time got shorter and the resonsibilities piled up they all feel on me, because she didn't want a part of taking care of them. She wanted to know what happened and to tell me how to handle things, but not to directly get envolved.

I homeschooled for years because we both believed it to be the best way to rase kids and her contrabution was to be on several on line groups talking about home schooling and getting ideas. She would then bring them home to me and tell me how great this was and we should do it with them. Then weeks later ask how it was going or something like that. She gave up on the idea of home schooling because she realized I couldn't deal with all the stress in my life and i was falling apart. Even though I kept saying she was at least part of the problem and we needed to work on things see a councilor or something she spent a year trying to tell me that if we jsut sent the kids to school and I get a job then I would be fine. Before that she was addament that I needed to be on depresents and I finally did, but they never really helped much because all the problems were still there.

I have digressed. Now that she has lost control and cannot bully me and push me around and I fight back and treat her the same way and point out when she is doing it and don't believe her when she says it is all me, she is getting colder and more and more distant.

She spends so much of her time being smug and acting supperior to everyone. She kept going on like this tonight as we were playing a game with the kids and then the same game with a neibor. When the questions got answered instead of looking them up she new all of them and would belt out yes your right about that or no your wrong. She would always make a point of when she answered to answer not only the question but expounding on it. At one point she not only answered a question that had several right answers, but continued to give all the right ones and even more information. On this one were she was even more robust than on the others, she was wrong and I knew it. She was being so smug and I was getting so enoid by all of this that I took great delight pointing out she was wrong. As soon as I did she started reaching to prove me wrong and realized she had been wrong and said quickly, oh I was confused, your turn, here's the dice. Just ignore my mistakes and quickly go so we can all continue and I can go back to being smug and always right. In the begining of the second game (it's a new game)there was some ambiguaty in the rules and she wanted them interprated one way and the neiboor and I thought another and she kept on definding her side by that what we said wasn't in the rules, but never admited that her's wasn't either. She finally gave in, but was noticably, for the next minute or two, upset at us not following her lead.

Control and they have to be superior at all times. Most everything they say will be an absolutes. "you are wrong!" That is not the way it was!" Even if you are willing to admit that maybe somewere one of us spoke badly or heard wrong, my wife still always continds that "yes you did here it wrong." I am willing to say that maybe it was you or maybe it was me, I'm sorry if it was me, now lets go on. Her response will be something along the lines of "Ok let's go." No recognition that maybe they could have been wrong and no apoligy since they don't need to since they know they were never wrong.

And yes I have started wondering if she ever was capable of loving.

Sorry this is so long,
Settler

-- posted by settler

» settler - Why does he do that...?

I so understand the not working It took me about a year to realize that I couldn't even homeschool the kids anymore. I was so wrapped up in all of our problems and the abuse that I jsut couldn't function. I am starting now to look for a job and even had a part time job for a few weeks filling in for a person. I am feeling more and more ready to move on and get out. As her power has diminished she is pulling back more and more and I don't care much at all if she does and it is giving me space to find out about me.

For awhile I was having problems coping even with stuff around her and she did finally start doing some stuff, but now she had started complaining that I am not doing the things that I had use to. Very quitly and pointedly how much she is doing and how much she is suffering why being forced to do all of this.

I think I am getting better and coming back, but she is still trying to get and keep control. Just new tactics!

Settler

-- posted by settler

» windsong72 - Why does he do that...?

In response to Why does he do that...? posted by RECRUITER1967:

I have tried your telephone number several times, but only receive the answering machine....hope you are OK..

Windsong

-- posted by windsong72

» RECRUITER1967 - Why does he do that...?

DEAR WINDSONG
I MEANT TO CALL YOU BACK LATER THAT DAY BUT THINGS CAME UP AND NOW MY PHONE IS TURNED OFF FOR NON PAYMENT. I AM TRYING TO BORROW SOME MONEY TO PAY THE CELL PHONE COMPANY. RIGHT NOW IT IS NOT WORKING AND I HOPE TO GET IT BACK WORKING ASAP SO I CAN SPEAK TO YOU AND ETC.
In response to Why does he do that...? posted by windsong72:

-- posted by RECRUITER1967

» jfarris - Why does he do that...?

In response to Why does he do that...? posted by RECRUITER1967:

Did you get the help you needed. It is important that you not go through this alone.

-- posted by jfarris

» SCPalmetto21 - In response to <a href="http:

In response to WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT posted by RECRUITER1967:

I have read each of your responses, and don't say I have experienced it, but live it daily. My sister is 23 years old and I fear for her life. I 21 years old am so lost as what to do. I experienced the horrifying acts of his manipulation time and time again. He is a product of the devil, addicted to crack, and ultimately my worst nightmare. My sister and I were never really close, but at an all time low she reached out, and did I experience HELL! We were threatened, chased with a knife because we would give him money, cars destroyed, and anything of value stolen. So ultimately when he went to prison I assumed I was finally FREE! But over the course of a year him being out he has gained control of her life again. I have tried everything and out of anger have lashed out. I know that it was wrong, but how can i listen to him degrade her like that? How can I watch him hurt her? She is my sister, my best friend and now I fear I've lost her! I established boundaries, he is not allowed in my house, I refuse to see him. It has only made her seperate herself from me. I rarely see her, I feel as though I have no sister. She doesn't see it or want to face reality. He controls her, when I do see her he is constantly calling, leading to arguments. Not sure what but it's based around she's cheating. That's such a joke. What do I do? How do I watch her become a product of his control? I need help! Is there anything I can do to help her? It's so much more worse than I can describe, I need advice......... I'm scared for her life!

-- posted by SCPalmetto21

» dixiegirl10971 - WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT

In response to WHY DOES HE DO THAT AND WHY DOES HE NOT ADMIT IT IS HIS FAULT posted by RECRUITER1967:

I have tried and tried to post a message on here, thinking that if I could say just the right words in just the right way then MAYBE someone wold undertand what I have been going through for the past three years.
YOU said it all! It's like we are living the same lives.
I got online and started trying to find sites that talk about abuse thinking that maybe I could find someone that I could talk to.
The part about you miss him so much- thats me- THATS why I stay. because people dont realize that the abuser doesnt abuse ALL the time, they do have those sweet sides that made us love them in the first place.
I didnt realize that there were other people going through the same thing I'm going through. I guess thats part of the reason i've stayed- I felt like I had failed. I would love to talk to you more if thats possible.

-- posted by dixiegirl10971

» jfarris - In response to <a href="http:

Yes there are things that you can do, first report each and every time there is an incident. It doesn't matter if she wants you to or not, report it. Even if the cops don't do anything, report it. You ahve to get his actions on the record. Report it and then listen to her every chance you get. She will find her way.

-- posted by jfarris